Never be the same (Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier)

Chapter 11

"You are not dead, but you are not alive, either. You are a ghost with a beating heart."

I don't think I got any rest that night. My body nor my mind just wouldn't shut off. I kept tossing and turning throughout the whole night and I knew that he was watching which wasn't making it any easier to close my eyes.

He never said anything about it though which I was quite thankful for. I don't think he slept either, he just sat on his chair and stared at me or whatever else he found interesting enough to stare but I never saw him close his eyes for anything more than blinking.

It was then, when the daylight broke, that I noticed he had a small window in his room. I laid on my back speculating whether to sit up and face the day or to keep lying down until I get told to get up. I finally decided to just face whatever it was that they had planned for me today so I sat up. His eyes landed back on me as soon as I had sat up and he quickly stood up. I stood up as well.

"Could I use the bathroom?" I asked him cautiously, he just nodded at the other door in the room.

I used the bathroom quickly. While washing my hands I finally managed to see myself in the mirror. I gasped silently when I saw myself. I was a mess. My hair was tangled and I had a huge bruise under my chin. I had always thought that my eyes were dull and boring but looking at them now, I didn't even recognise them. I had dark circles underneath my eyes from the lack of sleep, I looked ill. I couldn't stare at myself any longer, I felt sick, I wanted out. I walked out of the bathroom as quick as I could, combing my fingers through my messy hair along the way.

He motioned me out of the room as soon as I was finished. We kept walking along the hallway to who knows where. When we arrived at our destination I found myself back at the room with the metal table. As soon as I stepped into the room I knew exactly that I was gonna get tied up again. It was becoming somewhat usual already. So I made my way towards the table and sat on it, waiting.

"Did you rest well?" I heard the man come towards me with his usual cheery voice.

I decided not to answer his question. I just kept looking in front of me, staring at the people who were running around with different coloured serums in their hands. After a while I got told to lay down so they could tie me up again.

As soon as I got tied up I expected to get injected with the serum that made me sleepy. It didn't happen though. What happened was so much worse than an injection to the neck.

I felt them put two IV bags in me. I looked up at them and the IV bags contained some navy liquid. Well, that didn't look good.

"What is it?" I managed to ask right before the liquid reached my veins.

My veins felt like they were on fire, my whole body felt as if it was burning. I started screaming and tossing as best as I could. Everything inside me felt like it was being burned to ash. Everything hurt so much, I cried out, unable to open my eyes, due to the amount of pain I felt inside. They stuffed some cloth into my mouth to muffle my cries.

I finally tore my eyes open to see people staring at me. No one was there to help. In fact they were there to make it even worse. More injections in my ribs. More pain. More muffled cries for help.

I had no idea what the injections were supposed to do with me, but something inside of me kept telling me that the injections were meant to turn me into someone like the asset. Into some emotionless slave just like him.

I cried and cried that day. After the first IV bags were empty I thought that was gonna be it, but no. They kept replacing the bags with new ones as soon as the old ones ran dry. I kept receiving more injections every once in a while.

That night I spent on that table receiving various serums and crying my heart out. I kept hoping that somebody will come and save me, but no one did. It was my only solace though, to keep pretending that somebody was out there, coming for me.

The next few days didn't go any differently. I spent my days tied up, getting injected. I had no idea how many days had passed since I came here anymore. I still had no idea what the different serums were supposed to do but each time it seemed to hurt less than the one before. I don't know if it was just my body growing used to them or why it was like that but whatever it was I was thankful for it. It still hurt, yes, but I didn't feel like my body was trying to burn from inside out anymore which was definitely saying something.

I felt stronger rather than weaker, which seemed weird as I had been lying on the table for god knows how long now. My senses seemed to be heightened as well. I could only bet that it was all because of the serums.

I had ran out of tears a few days ago already, so now I was just staring blankly at the ceiling above me. I kept trying to remember little things most of the time, like the names of my family and friends, my own name, what I like and don't like. Some days it felt harder to remember certain things like that, my mind kept turning more and more hazy as the days went by.

But there was one thing that I knew for sure. I had given up on hope that somebody was coming for me.