The Light behind your Eyes (My Chemical Romance)

Chapter 18 October

October

I lay prostrate on the bed I shared with Eddie. I wanted nothing more than to pull the blanket up over my shivering, naked body. Eddie had forbidden it, however, so I lay there with my teeth chattering. Earlier, Eddie had thought I'd been trying to hide my naked form from him so that's why punishment had been to lay naked in the frigid room, until he gave me the okay to put clothes on and cover up. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture my family, but it was so hard and even Aiden's face had blurred in my mind. I wanted to cry or get angry, feel something, but I'd shut my emotions off long ago. Feeling things only got me hurt. At first, I used to pretend that when I was in bed with Eddie late at night, it was Frank next to me or even Dominic at times. But I had to stop doing that. It had driven me to the brink of insanity. I'd never see any of them again anyway, so it was best to forget about them. Mary had been right about everything. Forgetting was the only way to survive. My punishments had become less and less severe the more I thrust myself into this new world. The punishment I was receiving at that moment was nothing compared to others...I forced the thoughts out of my mind. Nothing had been worse than that night; the night we had to leave because of me. No one forgot it. Roger would still hit me if he were reminded of it. He'd been so angry. I had been beaten within an inch of my life; beaten so badly that I wanted the escape of death. I begged for it. From that moment on, suicide crossed my mind daily. I couldn't live like this forever, if I didn't find a way out, I'd find another way out and I would do it soon. Frank's face floated in my mind. The look he'd given me that night would be forever burned into my heart. For the first time in a long time, I felt tears begin to sting my eyes. It was because in my mind, Frank's features were muddled. I had forgotten him. Of course, this was all thanks to Roger and Eddie as well. I never, ever spoke his name or anyone else's from my past. If they even had an inkling that I was thinking of one of them I'd regret it. All I had to do was stare off into space for a moment and they'd jump on me. I'd quickly learned to keep my eyes cast downward, like Mary. In fact, I copied most of Mary's mannerisms. Mary never got hit or hurt, so my goal was to follow in her footsteps. It was the only way to avoid black eyes, bloody lips and noses, burns, cuts, and everything else.

Eddie suddenly burst into the room, and I tried to hide my guilty face.

"Lilly! I'm so sorry, I forgot all about you, I didn't mean for the punishment to go on for this long. You can cover up now." With absolutely no expression on my face, I sat up and slowly began to put my clothes back on. Lilly. Yes, they'd changed my name. I'd get punished if I didn't respond to it, so I tried my hardest to get used to it. Roger thought it best to change my name as he had Mary's, to wipe away my old identity completely. I had no idea what Mary's real name was.

Eddie sat down on the bed and watched me dress. The clothes they made me wear were hideous; they looked like grandma clothes. Or Mary's clothes.

"So do you feel pregnant yet?" He asked with a grin.

I shook my head wordlessly.

He squinted his eyes at me. "I don't get it, Lilly. We've been trying so hard. You know how important it is to Mom and Dad to have a grandchild."

I cleared my throat and spoke evenly. "Sometimes these things take time."

"But how much time? Dad is getting impatient, because Mom's been harping about a baby. You do want this, don't you?"

My insides recoiled, but I plastered a smile on my face when I looked at him.

"Of course, Eddie. I can't wait to carry your baby." It was hard not to choke on the words. I knew I wouldn't get pregnant any time soon. My period had become so irregular from the stress and weight loss that if would be next to impossible. Every single one of my ribs showed and my cheeks were sunk in and sallow. This was what Eddie had wanted, though. He'd thought I was a little too fat when they'd first taken me. THAT had been taken care of. The thought of holding another baby made my arms ache for Aiden.

Eddie smiled, reached out and took my hand. "That's what I thought. Dad said he suspected you were doing it on purpose."

"Eddie," I said softly, "Why would I possibly do that? I want this more than anyone."

He leaned in and kissed my lips lightly. "I knew it. Okay well, mom said to tell you that supper is ready. She was kind of mad that you weren't out there helping her, and that's when I remembered that I left you in here." I nodded, stood and smoothed out my flowered top, and followed him into the kitchen.

Immediately, I took my place next to Mary behind Roger. Each meal went this way. Mary and I had to stand and wait for them to finish before we were allowed to sit down. If Roger or Eddie needed something, it was nearly a race to see who could provide it first. If I beat her to something, Mary would be mad, but if I let her do it, Roger angered. I'd decided not to worry about Mary long ago. Roger could hit much harder. The meal went the same as any other. Neither of us spoke unless spoken to, and followed orders as quickly as we could. When it was finally our turn to eat and Roger and Eddie had retreated into the living room, Mary started in on me.

"Eat up, my dear. You haven't gained hardly any weight back. How do you expect to be able to give birth to a healthy baby with that little body? I know the men like skinny little girls, but you don't have to worry about that anymore, now do you? You're a married woman now."

I didn't say a word, instead obeyed Mary's commands and started eating. She rambled on and on about her 'grand baby' and my uselessness at reproduction thus far. She went on to complain about an imagined spot she'd found on a plate I had washed.

"That's why I wash, Lilly. You shouldn't be able to mess up the drying tonight, right?" When I didn't respond, Mary harrumphed. "Maybe I should speak to your father-in-law on the matter."

Great, I thought bitterly, another ass-beating. I finally turned and spoke to her robotically. "I'm very sorry, I was careless. It won't happen again. If you want to wash, that's fine. I'll do my best to complete the housework up to your standards from now on."

Mary looked doubtful. "If you promise..."

"I do. I promise."

"Okay, I suppose I'll give you another chance. But you've got to be more careful, Lilly. I don't think you understand how important it is..." Mary continued on, but I tuned her out. Instead, I began to entertain fantasies of the things I'd like to do to Mary. It would be so much fun to reach across the table and throttle the life out of her. Or later, while we were doing the dishes, I could shove her head into the dishwater and drown her in her own sink.

"What are you thinking about?" Mary asked loudly, interrupting my daydreaming.

"What?"

"You were smiling." Mary's voice took on an accusatory tone.

"Oh, um..." I shook my head quickly. "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of the baby."

Mary clasped her hands together. "I think about it all the time too. Won't it be wonderful?"

I nodded, my face full of mock-enthusiasm. "I know. I can't wait!"

Exhaling deeply, I said a quick prayer that I'd dodged that bullet. Mary continued with her baby talk, oblivious to my hateful thoughts. It was the only thing they couldn't fully take away from me. They thought they could, but if I kept a straight face, I could get away with most thoughts. I lived inside my own head most of the time, but that was even getting hard. I had to giggle to myself about how long ago they'd have killed me if they could read my mind like they thought they could.

While we cleaned up that night, Mary complained about not being able to see out the windows, just as she did every night. I could almost recite this rant I'd heard it so often.

"It's all your fault, you know. If you weren't such a flight risk I wouldn't have to live with all my windows boarded up. Why would you even want to leave?"

I had to admit that I missed looking outside as well. I hadn't been outdoors since the concert with Julianne. Thoughts of Julianne came often as well, but I always pushed them away. Worrying about Julianne's well-being did me no good. I made myself feel better by imagining that Julianne was fine, doing great in fact. She probably had a new boyfriend by now and was blissfully happy.

We finished the dishes and cleaning the rest of the kitchen quickly. Mary then sat down to do some sewing, baby things of course. I retreated to my bedroom to wait for Eddie to come and in and try to impregnate me again.