Screams keep increasing as I keep running,
But no matter how fast I go I can't escape.
The bone chilling terrors continue echoing,
Flowing inside and making me constantly relive.
No matter how much I wash and bathe,
I'll never ever be able to cleanse myself.
I will never be whole or pure again,
Filth, digsust and shame flow through my veins.
I somehow feel like it's all my fault,
Like for some ****ed up reason I deserved the abuse.
No matter how many times I'm told otherwise,
I will continue to blame myself and be punished.
Nothing good ever comes from me,
I ruin everything in my path.
My innocence was stolen away from me .
I haven't been fine since that night, I hate myself . I hate him . I told him it hurt . I told him to stop . He continued that is until I said it louder .
Sitting in the middle of the floor in the dark and messy room . The bass of my heart beat vibrated through out the room . It's been days . These are the only four walls Ive seen for three days.
That first night I contemplated if I should make the move . I didn't have the "balls" . Now once again my hand is shaking as a pick up the thin medal blade .
In a brief second I let it slide across my forearm , the sting was almost unbearable . I opened my eyes to see the mess I had made .
It was - ... It was beautiful . The sight of that thick pool of blood sliding down my arm captivated me .
The pain- the pain was gone . For a whole 30 seconds to a minute I has forgotten about my horrible life . I had forgotten about the tortuous emotions I encountered everyday .
I started to feel dizzy so I figured its time to stop the bleeding . I took out a paper towel and put alcohol on it .
I dabbed the scar and wiped up the remaining blood . I put on 2 bandages. I leaned back so that my back was against the edge of my bed .
My eyes soon clouded with tears . No particular reason . It just felt good to cry . Is it weird that I'm crying with a blank expression . I guess so . I grabbed a fist full of the carpet hoping when I awaken It was just a nightmare.
Sleep soon took over my numb body.
*Niall's Pov
It's been days since I've seen his face . Three days ago it was storming . Zayn walked in the house . I saw his face as he walked in . He looked down though. We never made eye contact once . When I saw his face I barely recognised him he looked dead . He was crying loudly .
I know he was aware I was standing there but he left without a word .
I have acted as if nothing was wrong . I force myself not to feel guilty . I go on with my regular life . I was offered a job as a teacher at a high school near by . I'll be going tomorrow morning . It will bring money to the table and it also might help get this stuff out of my mind .
I had a wet dream about that night . Who could have a sexual dream at a moment like this ? Twisted right ? When the dream got to the part where I thrusted into Zayn's virgin entrance it turned into a nightmare . I can still feel his extremely tight walls around me.
Just because I said I can still feel him around me , doesn't mean it's a good memory .It just reminds me of the cruel things I have done . I basically took his in a horrible way . I told myself I wouldn't think about it but that memory and guilt is clouding my soul .
I lay in my bed and look at the ceiling . This is the same bed that the horrible night happened in . Moments later I find myself laying on the couch . I couldn't take sleeping there .
Little tears slide down my face as my eye lids flutter shut .
