Ass(ets)

the end as we know it

It's days after their argument. They are standing on Ella's roof terrace. They have distanced themselves from the world they are look down upon. All that matters up her are themselves and the whispering breeze.

James reaches for Ella's hand and she flinches. It's an automatic reflex. She shrugs her shoulders almost apologetically but makes no move to reassure him.

"Your housekeeper let me in. She said you were up here." James says. He feels as if he has to explain his presence in his own girlfriend's life. He's never felt uncomfortable with her before. But now... now he's cautious to even meet her eyes. He feels unwelcome. He feels like a stranger intruding upon her life.

"I came up here to get away for a while." Ella says after a long pause.

"Get away from what?"

"Everything. Everyone."

Hesitantly James asks "Would you like me to go?"

Turning to face him Ella smiles, but it's a mocking smile. Her mouth is upturned and it's as if she's laughing not with him but at him. She's not outright ridiculing him but the hints are there under the surface. "You're here now. You may as well stay."

"You haven't replied to my calls or messages."

"I wanted a few days to myself."

"I was worried." As James says these words the light hits his face. He seems to glow in an almost angelic manner. He's her golden boy and Ella feels as if she's the complete opposite. She's a force of dark energy that can't help but corrupt everything she touches. But then she remembers that no one is perfect, not even James, he's always been just as flawed as she feels. He's just better at hiding it.

Ella rolls her eyes "Sorry dad. I didn't realise I had to check in with you."

"Don't." He reproaches. "Don't take your anger out on me. What's happened?"

"Who said I was angry?" Ella says with a raised eyebrow.

"I know you. Stop pushing me away."

"What difference does it make? You're leaving soon anyway."

"This is about Yale?" James asks running a hand through his hair.

"No. Yes. It's about everything and nothing all at once."

"You're scaring me. Talk to me."

"After our fight I realised I don't think I like the person I've become. And I realised something about us too." Ella says the last part softly.

"You're breaking up with me aren't you? After everything we've done to get to this place you're just going to let us go. We could have had months more together. Hell we could even have had forever together. I liked Yale, but I love you. You may as well know now that I applied to universities in the city too. I was going to stay with you."

"I would have never have let you chose me over Yale."

"It's never been about you letting me do anything. I wanted to stay with you and I would have done it regardless of what anyone else said."

"How romantic." Ella says her voice dripping in sarcasm. "You can't put your life on hold because of some girl."

"You're not just some girl."

"No, I will forever be the girl you fucked while she was with your bestfriend."

"I love you. Stop being like this. Stop picking apart every aspect of our relationship and turning it into something it's not."

"We had a wonderful time together, but at what cost?"

"You're talking in the past tense and we haven't even broken up yet." James says angrily.

"I don't want to be together. I don't want to constantly juxtapose my happiness when I'm with you with this broken trail we're leaving behind."

"What could be so bad? Tell me. What have we done that deserves all of this."

"You make me feel frightened of being alone. When you broke up with me I was a shell of the person I once was. I was so scared that I latched onto the next person who showed me any kind of affection. And I ruined him."

Ella pauses for breath. They look over the railing onto the great expanse of sky around them.

"Why did you and Lucy break up?" Ella asks coldly. She's had an idea floating around in her head, but she can't quite believe it to be true.

"I wanted you back."

"So you broke things off to pursue me? Even though I was with Noah at the time."

Pause

"Yes." James says reluctantly. He's resigning himself to the fate they set apart for themselves.

"This so fucked up. You ruined your friendship and you did it intentionally. It was only a matter of time to you right? So why wait and salvage your relationship with a boy you call your 'brother'?"

"Because I wanted you back. I'd made a mistake breaking up with you and I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was."

"And you knew I'd come crawling back to you. Because I'm weak and a part of me will always love you."

"Love is not a weakness. Maybe, if I could go back I'd wait until you guys were no longer together. Or I'd have told you how I felt and let you decide. But I can't go back, so what's the point in thinking it over?"

"What's the point in anything?" Ella trails off before regaining herself in the conversation. "Was it worth it? Was any of this worth it?"

"The time we've spent together will always be special to me no matter how you try to taint it."

"You're not good for me James. I'm scared to leave this rooftop and be alone. I'm nervous to be without you."

"So don't. Stay with me."

"I can't do that to you. I'm stuck with all the memories of how we reached this point. I'm angry with myself and I don't want to be reminded of that. I need a fresh start, but it's not even from you it's from myself."

"So you're just going to cut me out of your life because you're on a path to self renewal?"

"In the summer I'm going to have access to my trust fund and one day I'm going to up and leave without looking back. It's an organised chaotic plan and it's what I want, no need, to be doing."

"What about me? Where does that leave me? Where does that leave us?"

"A girl and a boy trying to find their way without each other."