Ass(ets)

it's ok not to be ok

Ella isn't quite sure how she feels. Or even what she's feeling. All she knows is that at this present moment she is feeling something.

Relatively her life is good, great even. When you stop and think about poverty, world hunger, lack of sanitation, lack of basic human rights and the sheer number of people inhabiting Earth in comparison to that well... everything is wonderful. But Ella doesn't feel wonderful. She wonders if this makes her a bad person. She wonders if she should feel guilty.

In the midst so much death and destruction who really cares if a teenage middle class girl isn't feeling quite right.

It's a first world problem. But it's still a problem.

Ella is listening to herself. Listening to her mind. Listening to her body.

As she walked down a school hallway last week she heard a girl murmur that "girls like Ella just have it so easy". Her friend had replied half laughing "well everything is easy when you look like that".

Ella knows she has it easier than some. But it's not perfect. But what is perfect? What is this "normal" that she do desperately craves?

Ella is tired of being judged by the way she looks. When she says something insightful or does well on a test the condescending line "not just a pretty face" gets thrown about. She's not sure if that's a compliment or not. Her intelligence and the way she looks are not mutually exclusive. So why does everyone see her that way?

She tried to explain this to her mother who just laughed and said "at least your not ugly". Ella laughed too. She didn't find it funny, but mother expected her to laugh.

She has been taught to respond to a situation. You feed off other people and compose a reply. Ella couldn't remember the last thing she said that she actually meant.

The last thing that was her own pure thought was said so long ago she hardly remembers who she is anymore.