Run Away From The Pain

Hole In My Soul

I sat in a black pair of skinny jeans, with a black lace top, and a black blazer keeping me warm. 
Though it was 80 degrees in Samarinia, It felt as though it was negative 20. 
My long chocolate hair hung down in front of my face, cutting me off from the rest of the world. 
My make-up was light, which completely contrasted the ghastly bags under my eyes. 
I looked like death itself. 

All eyes were on me, as I sat on a chair in the grand pannel of the court room.
"Richard Hainsworth, you have been found guilty of stalking the royal family for more than 20 years, as well as the kidnapping, torture, rape, and attempted murder of the Princess. You are also found guilty for the murder of Rafael Vasquez."
Even saying Ralph's name, sent a chill up my spine, and a nauseating clench around my heart.  
Commander James Cooley stood infront of my captor, addressing him, as well as the audience.

"For your crimes, you are to be put to death, by the royal firing squad."
My breathing hitched in my throat, once I realized the enormity of this moment.

He was finally going to get what he deserves. 

As happy as I was, I couldn't show emotion.
Emotionally, I'm hollow. 
I couldn't breathe, couldn't smile, or frown, or even move for that matter. 
Like all the other times in my life that something catasrophic has happened, I had gone completely catatonic. 
I was a statue.
But this time, I didn't know when I was coming out of it. 

Members of the S.A.F.E lead a handcuffed R.H out of the court room, and eventually, everyone dispersed, leaving me alone in the vast room. 

I hadn't realized It, but the muffled thuds and bangs I heard were the sounds of bullets being fired from a gun, and I knew he was gone.

I continued to sit there, staring into space.
If it's possible at all, I didn't have a train of thought.
I was a vegetable. 

I could see Steven opening the far door to the court room, as he made his way to me, keeping his hands in his front pockets, and his head bowed low. 
I knew he was hurting just as much as I was, and it killed me that I couldn't bring myself to be there for him; to comfort him. 
He made his way up to the stand where I was sitting, and knelt down infront of me. 
"Ace..." He sighed. "We have to go."

I couldn't respond. I couldn't even turn my face to look at him. 
I just continued to stare into oblivion. 
Understanding exactly what I needed, he pulled me into his arms and carried me, bridal style, out of the court room.
He made his way down the marbled steps of the Justice Hall, and placed me into the leather seat of the black cadillac, then made his way to the other side of the car, and clambered in next to me. 
We drove to the cemetary in silence, with Steven's arms just wrapped around me, protectively. 

I didn't want to do this. 
I didn't want to go say goodbye.
Maybe, If I just squeeze my eyes shut hard enough, when I open them, it'll all be a terrible dream. 
If only it were that simple though. 

The car rolled to a stop along the soft field of green grass that stretched across the length of the cemetary. 
It's funny; the idea of a cemetary. 
The grass is so full of life... So green and so lush.
Isn't green the definiton of life?
It's the one thing so closely associated with the living, yet it's residing in a field filled with the dead. 

I managed to get out of the car on my own, as Steven came around to my side, and slid a sturdy arm around my waist, leading me towards the black tent set up above the burial site. 
I couldn't help but to stare at the green carpet beneath my black heels as Steven and I made our way to Ralph's final resting place. 

I only peeked up when I got there, to see a laquered mahogany casket, with a bouquet of white roses lying on top of the closed wood. 
Standing in a row were Joe and Claudia, Tom and his wife Terry, Brad, and Joey, wearing pristine black suits. 
6 pairs of puffy, red eyes all peered down at the wooden bed, containing our dear friend. 

The minister showed up about a minute later, and lead us through the ceremony.

When he was finished, each of the band members said something kind about him, and laid a single flower on top of the white bouquet already placed on the casket. 
All eyes shot to me, expecting me to say something, but I just stood in silence, swallowing the lump that was rising in my throat, threatening to burst leaving me mute.

All I could do was fall to my knees as close to the casket as I possibly could, without falling into the grave that was dug beneathe it. 
I rested a cold hand ontop of the wood, as the tears burst free and began to stream down my cheeks. 

"March 16th, 1976.." I whispered, barely audible. "Is the day I lost my best friend... My protector. I keep wishing I could just open my eyes, and escape the nightmare that this has become... But... but it just wont go away." 
I sobbed heavily, heaving for air in between the words I managed to choke out. 

"Please.... just come back, Ralph." I gasped. "Please.." 

I continued sobbing, and didn't stop. 
Eventually, everyone left, except for Steven and I.
I stayed in the same spot I have been for hours now. 
Steven stayed with me, letting me sob into his shoulder, my tears staining his silk shirt. 

Without a word, he picked me up, and carried me back to the car. 
Again, the trip back to the palace was silent, and I remained catatonic. 
Steven carried me throughout the castle, only putting me down on the smooth silk sheets of my bed. 
He took off my jeans and replaced them with sweatpants, as well as replacing my lace dress shirt, with a baggy t-shirt. 
He climbed into bed next to me, and pulled the covers over the both of us, as he wrapped an arm around my waist, closing in the distance between my back, and his front. 

"I love you more than life itself." He breathed into my hair. "Please don't ever forget that." 

"I won't." I exhaled, and softly lulled into the unconsciousness of a better place.