Run Away From The Pain

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

"Friends, family, esteemed guests, and loyal followers of his royal highness, King Antonio Alessandri; We are gathered here today to celebrate and remember his amazing life."

I sat in the front pew of a church, with Alesia in my lap, my mother and father to my left, and Antonio's weeping parents to their left.
Everyone was weeping, except for me.
I had no more tears to give.
I've woken up with tears staining my cheeks, and I've cried myself to sleep, every night for the past 3 days.
I sat, dressed in a black maxi-dress, with a black blazer, large black sunglasses covering my face, and a large black sunhat.
Though we were inside, I felt the need to cover up as much as I could.
I couldn't allow the world to see how truly hollow I felt.

The band sat in the row behind us, with Steven directly behind me.
I could feel him digging holes into the back of my head with his chocolate eyes.

I sat staring at the closed white laquered casket, that was placed just before the altar, surrounded by hundreds of flower bouquets.
A priest stood infront of the pulpit, talking about how much Antonio will be missed.
Talking about how he was a great king, father, husband, and friend.

"And now, we invite her royal highness Queen Anastasia to say a few words on her late husband's behalf."
The invitation to speak, broke me out of my reverie.
I couldn't bare to leave my Alesia, so I picked her up, and carried her with me only breifly stopping at the casket to kiss the closed door.

I quietly made my way up to the pulpit, and cleared my voice before I spoke.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, family, followers. I thank you for being here today. Thank you for celebrating the wonderful life Antonio has lead."
I paused, choking up.
I didn't think it was possible, but more tears were on their way, threatening to stain my porecelain skin with running mascara, and ruined red lipstick.
"13 years ago, former queen Isabella, and King Andrew signed a treaty with the former Italian king and queen, Adalgisa and Vinchenzo, uniting our countries as permanent allies. I was fully aware of the treaty, but had no idea of the ramifications it would have on my life. I was given a month to leave behind a life I once clutched so dearly to. I was given a month to meet, and get to know the man that we are memorializing today, before he became my husband."

I paused, shifting my weight as I clutched onto Alesia for support.
"From the moment I laid eyes on Antonio, I knew that the situation I was in, wasn't as bad as it seemed... Antonio and I spent every waking moment together. We learned about each others likes and dislikes, insecurities and fears. He became my best friend, and I became his. We lived what seemed to be the perfect, fairy-tale kind of life, which only got better at the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Alesia Rose. We never fought... Not once. He loved me with every ounce of emotion he could give, and I... the same. We ruled this magnificent country side by side, as best friends, lovers, and parents."

Again, I shifted my weight, and paused, having to take a deep breath and wipe away the tears that were spilling down my cheeks.
"I could speak for hours about the love I will have for Antonio until the day that I see him again, and how much he will be missed, but instead, I'll leave it at this; Antonio does not want us to weep. He does not want us to mourn, or be sad for the loss of our great king. Instead, he wished for us to remember him for all the greatness he's granted us. He wishes to be remembered as an amazing husband, and selfless father. And above all, he wishes that we go on with our lives, living as happily as we can.
I've made vows to Antonio, which can only be broken through death, with the exception of one; I vowed to him, that if this day ever came, I would solemly swear to lead this country with the same modest integrity that he has before me. His influence on me will never leave, and through me, he will continue to rule this soverign nation. Thank you for coming, and may his soul rest forever in the sweetest peace. I love you, Antonio, my sweet king."

As I began to step away from the pulpit, Alesia tugged on a strand of my wavy hair.
"Wait, momma, I wanna say sumptin!" She whispered almost inaudibly into my ear.
I simply nodded and held her up, so she could speak into the microphone.

"Hi everyone..." She paused, trying to collect her words. "My daddy once told me that heaven is a place filled wit white fluffy clouds, and pretty people dat have wings, and can fly. I know dat my daddy is now one of those pretty people. He also told me, dat to get to heaven, you need to go to sleep. I don't know why I go to sleep every night, and I don't get to heaven. I don't know why my daddy went to sleep, and he still didn't wake up. But momma told me dat before I go to sleep, and before I get to see daddy again, I need to get really old, and have lots of babies, and be happy."

She paused, as she began to cry.
I kissed her tiny forehead, and whiped away her tears.
"You'll be okay, baby." I whispered, giving my daughter strength.

"I miss my daddy so much, and I don't know why he's not waking up, and I do know dat I won't see him for a long time. All I wanna ask, is dat you all pray for daddy, dat he wakes up soon. Tank you."
I have never heard something so heart-wrenching come out of my daughters mouth before.

Her speech made the entire audience, including me, burst into tears.
I couldn't bring myself to leave the side of the casket.
I just stood there, with my right hand resting on top of the casket, while I clung to Alesia, who was balling into my neck, with the other.
I stood there for a few moments, just sobbing into my daughter's hair, before Steven, Isabella, Claudia and Andrew all came to my side, helping me back to my seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat at the garden table, all by my lonesome.
I wasn't thinking.
Wasn't blinking.
Wasn't breathing.
What am I doing?
I'm waiting.

I'm waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
I'm waiting for Antonio to come outside and sit with me in the brisk October air, with two cups of hot cocoa.

I'm waiting for the winter to come around, so we can sit out here, being warmed by the glass gazebo, with those same two cups of cocoa.

I'm waiting for the spring. I'm waiting for the flowers to blossom and the grass to grow green again, so we can take away the glass gazebo, and we can sit out here eating the ripest peaches we could find.

I'm waiting for the summer, so I can creep up on him reading his favorite novel, and spray him with the garden hose.

I'm waiting for him to come back to the palace and surprise me with random gifts from his travels.
I'm simply waiting.

"Hey pretty lady." Steven's soothing voice broke me out of my painful reverie.

"Please don't sit there..." I murmered, stopping Steven dead in his tracks, from sitting in the seat Antonio always sat in; the seat directly across from me. "That was his seat...anywhere but there...please."

"I'm sorry." He sighed, chosing the seat to my right. He grabbed my hands, playing with my ice cold fingers.
We sat in silence for what seemed like ages, before Steven spoke.
"Your speech was beautiful."

I couldn't answer, just simply nodded.

"It get's better you know." He kissed the back of my hand, trying to soothe me, almost as if this was 15 or 16 years ago, just after I met him.

"Does it?" I asked, never taking my eyes off of the seat across from me.

"I promise." He sighed.
Again, I just nodded.
"You're right, you know..."

"About?" I asked, never breaking contact with the empty seat.

"He would want you to be happy." He smiled sadly.

"Happy?" I questioned. "I haven't been happy for some time, now."

"Well, what makes you happy?"

"Everything I can't have..." I felt a tear rolling down my smooth cheek.
Just when I think I'm done crying...

"Like what?" He pushed, trying to get for from me than just a few syllables.

"You... Antonio... My old life." It wasn't gonna happen that easily.

"What makes you think you can't have me?" He asked, intertwining our fingers.

"Aren't you married?" I asked, nonchallantly, making him bow his head in shame. "Exactly."

"But I think Theresa's cheating on me..." He sighed. "With some contractor or contruction worker or something. We're getting our hourse re-done, and well... She's probably fuckin' him as we speak."

"Theresa... like the twin that yelled at me for snorting her coke all those years ago?" I snapped my attention to him, in astonishment.

"Guilty." He shrugged. " Anyway, I really think she's cheating."

"Doesn't give you a right to go and cheat on her." I scoffed, as Steven smirked, leaning in close to me.

"I think it does." He chuckled a little, his hot breath making my lips tingle.

"Steven..." I sighed. "Don't"

"Why?" His smile faded. "I'm in love with you, and you're in love with me... I know you're hurting, but you can't deny you still care. Antonio want's you to be happy, so why don't you just fucking let youself be happy for once?"

"Because, Steven! Damn it I have an obligation to my country. This would just never work." I sighed, getting agitated. "You'll be on the road all the time, and I have to stay here with Alesia and run an entire country."

"So why don't we just be happy for the time we have left with each other?" He was so desperately trying to find a loophole.

"Because I don't want to get hurt again! I don't want to be alone, and missing you with every fiber of my being, every fucking day!" I couldn't help but to yell. "I don't want to have to give you up for the third time in a row! It's just not fair!"

"Ohh..." He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry.. It doesn't fix anything." I snapped, wiping tears from my eyes.

"Well, I don't know what else to do! I want to fuckin' be with you more than anything, but since I have no other way of helping you, the only thing left to do is say sorry!" He huffed, crossing his arms.

I sat there, just thinking about everything that's happened these past few days, and something particular came across my mind.
"She's knows, ya know." I folded my arms, looking up at the garden balcony where Alesia was looking down at us.

"Who knows what?" Steven asked, getting annoyed.

"Alesia..." I turned to him, with a small smile dancing across my lips. "When I crawled into bed last night, I thought she was asleep, but she wasn't. She told me how she knew that you and I loved each other."

"She's a smart kid." He chuckled a little, and smiled faintly.

"She also said how Antonio would want me to be happy." I looked into his eyes, which sparkled like the ocean in the moonlight.

A shiver was sent up my spine, and my heart began to beat faster and faster.
My whole body went numb, and some how, I couldn't breathe.
My heart pumped faster and faster, feeling as though it was going to burst at any given moment.
Was I having a heart attack? Was I dying? What the fuck is going on?
In moments, my world went black, and my heart stopped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up wrapped in my white silk sheets, panting.
"What a wild fuckin' dream..." I gasped as sweat dripped off of my forehead.
I looked around my cherry red room before I climbed out of bed, making sure I was still in the palace.

As quickly as I could, I scrambled to the vanity in my large bathroom and looked at my complexion.
My long brown hair pooled at my waist, and my flawless reflection beamed at me.
I quickly took off my clothes and hopped in the shower, examining every part of my body.
No scars... Thank god.

After showering quickly and getting changed into my favorite jeans, my rolling stones t-shirt, and my combat boots, I brushed and braided my long hair, quickly put on a little eyeliner and mascara, and then sprinted out of my room.

The bridge was illuminated by the morning light, and the palace seemed almost empty.
I dashed through the foyer, the back hall, and finally into the kitchen where my mother and father usually sat at the breakfast nook.
To my dismay, it was empty.

"Mom?! Dad?! Nick?!" I called running towards the balcony that hung just above the garden.
They weren't in the garden either.
I sprinted back into the house, and nearly ran into someone.

"Jesus, Claudia, I'm so sorry!" I darted out of her way just in time.

"Oh, no problem Ace. I was just coming to see if you were awake yet..." She smiled cheekily.

"Ohh... okay." I paused, needing to know one simple thing. "Claudia, what's the date?"

The perplexed look she gave me even made me think I was going crazy.
"It's December 15th, 1975."

"Thanks..." I muttered, kind of in a hurry. "Where's my mom and dad?"

"They're waiting for you in the the grand study..."
I raced past her before she could finish her sentence, making it to the study as quickly as I could.
I barged in, not even bothering to knock.

"Mom! Dad! I had the most wild dream last night! Oh my god!" I practically yelled. "I dreamed that you guys gave me up at a young age, and then I was kidnapped like 10 years later or something like that, only for me to escape and meet Aerosmith and tour with them and find out I'm a princess, and then I came here and because of some treaty you guys made me marry some Italian Prince, and oh my god, it was so real… So life-like! And absolutely fuckin' wild!"
Somehow, I managed to squeeze that all out in one long breath, making me gasp for air as I finished my excruciating run-on sentence.

"Darling, where are your manners? We have guests!" My mother, Queen Isabella moved to the side, so I could see the 5 men sitting on the couch before me.
Due to my already short breath, I almost stopped breathing all together.

"Princess Anastasia, I know you're a big fan, so I'd like you to meet Aerosmith; Brad Whitford, Tom Hamilton, Joey Kramer Joe Perry and..."

I cut her off, almost an inaudible whisper.
"Steven Tyler."