Run Away From The Pain

Lean On Me.

The moment the car stopped infront of the grandiose marble steps of the palace, I sprinted out of the car and up the steps. I needed to get to my daughter as quickly as I could. 
I pushed open the massive marble doors, and dashed through the foyer.

"Alesia?! Alesia!" I called out, sprinting up the spiral steps, only to be stopped half way by someone answering me. 

"Anastasia, darling!" My mother, Isabella, called to me from the foyer. 
I turned around and sprinted back down the steps and up to my mother, taking my child in my hands. 

"Alesia, my baby girl, I'm so sorry I was away." I held her close to me, trying not to let any tears escape, and obviously failing, as a steady stream carved itself down my cheeks. 

"It's okay momma!" She smiled, kissing my cheeks where the stream of salty tears has been made. 
I heard the footsteps behind me, and realized that everyone else, meaning the band and Claudia, piled into the foyer.

"Ahh, Steven, Joeseph! How good to see you again!" She went over to say hello, leaving me in the center of the room with my child. "Bradley, Tomas, and Joseph Kramer too! Lovely to see you boys again, of course, how aweful the circumstances are, but still lovely to see you again."

"Momma, who's dat?" She asked, pointing to Steven as she still clung to me. "Where's daddy? When's daddy coming home?"
Everyone heard the child's question, and it was obvious that they all tried to mentally prepare themselves for the heartbreaking screams of a child missing her father. 
As tears continued to pool in my eyes, I sat down, cross legged on the marble floors of the foyer, and sat Alesia in my lap.

"Baby, remember what daddy said," I paused, taking a deep breath, before I began to sob. "Remember what he said about heaven?"

"Yeah! It's a happy place wit lots a fuffy clouds, and pretty people with wings and crowns!" She giggled, proud that she remembered. 

"Okay, well do you remember what daddy said about having to get there?" I asked, wiping tears from my eyes. 

"Daddy said, to get to heaven, you need to go to sleep, right?" She asked, trying to wipe my tears for me, with her tiny little hands. "Is daddy asleep?"

"Yes honey, Daddy's asleep." I cried a little harder, holding her close to me. 

"Don't cry momma!" She smiled, wiping away more tears. "Daddy will wake up soon… Right?"
I couldn't answer her without breaking down, leaving me to simply shake my head, no.

"Den… den, I could go to sleep too, and I'll see daddy, right?" She curled into a ball in my lap, and closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep. 

"No, honey. It doesn't work like that." I picked her up, as she opened her eyes; her golden orbs reflecting the same pain that was rooted in mine. 
Tears began to well in her little eyes, spilling over onto her sun-kissed cheeks. 

I wiped her tears away, and hugged her close. 
"Alesia, I promise you that one day, you'll see daddy again, but first, you need to grow really old, and be surounded by lots of grandkids, and you need to live a long, happy life." I sobbed, squeezing her close. "Okay?"

"Okay, momma, I pwomise." She cried, hugging her little arms around my neck. 
We sat there for a few more minutes just crying, before Isabella came over to us and picked us off the floor. 
I stopped crying and wiped my tearss, then wiped away my daughters tears, and kissed her forehead. 
"I'm still here. Momma's still here." I smiled at the angel in my arms. 

"Tank you, momma." She hugged my neck even tighter, and then looked at the crowd before us, who were all in tears. "Who's that, momma?"

"These are all of my friends." I went down the line in order of which they were standing, introducing everyone. "You already know Claudia."
"Hi Claudia!" Alesia giggled, waiving to my best friend. 

"This is Joey, he's a drummer!"

"Hi Joey da drummer!" She waved at him, as he waved back, smiling. 

"This is Tom, who plays the bass."
"Hi Tom da bass player!" 

"This is Brad, and This is Joe. They both play the guitar."
"Like you, momma?" She turned her attention from the men, towards me.
"Yes, like me." 
"Are they as good as you?" She asked, making everyone chuckle. 
"No, but they'll be upset if I say that, so let's pretend that they are." I whispered, audibly enough for everyone to hear. 

"And this is Steven. Steven likes to sing." I explained, as he grinned widely at the gorgeous child in my arms. 
"Steven's got big lips, momma!" Alesia gasped, making everyone laugh out loud. 
"Yes, he does, baby." I smiled, kissing her on the cheek, as Steven gave me a nostalgic look. 

"So, what do you say I make you some lunch, and then we'll go visit Spades, okay?" I asked, watching the light dance around her golden eyes, which were so similar to mine, it terrified me. 

"Okay, momma! I saw Spades with Daddy yesterday morning, but I don't mind seeing him again!" She smiled and kissed my cheek, ensuring to me that everything was going to be okay. 
Showing me that we're still a family. We're still here. 

I carried her into the kitchen, and sat her down on the island counter top, as everyone followed us, taking a seat at the large table placed about 2 yards from the island. 
I rumaged through the fridge for a moment to find a large bowl with seran wrap, and a note on it.

"Isabella, I made some lunch for you and Alesia. It's homemade Gnocchi with a bolognese sauce. It's hers, and Anastasia's favorite. Heat in the over for 20 minutes. - Antonio."

I took the bowl from the fridge, and set it on the counter next to Alesia, never tearing my eyes from the perfect caligraphy of Antonio's script.

"Hey baby, look." I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes, which I managed to blink back, with a smile on my face. "Daddy made us homemade gnocchi…Our favorite!"

"Thank you, daddy." She smiled, looking up at the ceiling. 
I very carefully took the note off of the seran wrap and quickly ran it out of the kitchen, and placed it on the large mahogony desk that was in the study… that was Antonio's desk. 
I knew It wouldn't be moved, or harmed there, and I wanted to preserve it as much as possible. 

I made my way back into the kitchen, and popped the large bowl into the oven to heat the food up. 
"Mom, can you take the pasta out if we're not back in 20 minutes?" I asked, picking Alesia up off the marble countertop. 

"Of course." She smiled. "Where might you be going?"

"We're going to go change quickly, so we can head right out to the stables after lunch." I sighed, adjusting the child's weight, in my arms. 
With that, all eyes were on us as we walked out of the kitchen and made our way up to the master bedroom. 

Everything about the palace seemed a little bigger, and a little less like a home, and more like a prison without Antonio. I mean, If you're going to be married to someone for 13 years, you're going to get used to them being in every aspect of your life. 
You're going to cherish all the things that they've done for you, and helped you through, and you're especially going to cherish every waking moment you've spent together. 
Now that his presence is no longer here, I feel cold, and empty, and alone. 

The bridge seemed like a walk towards death row, rather than a walk to the wing holding the sleeping chambers. 
The light that used to illuminate dancing dust particles, now illuminated how dreary and dirty this place seems without him. 

And the master bedroom… It was empty and dark. 
The bed was made perfectly, and it seems as though no one has been in here for years. 
I sat Alesia down in the chair that sat infront of the small desk on the right wall, closest to the bathroom, as I walked towards the grandiose closet. 
I opened the doors slowly, still expecting Antonio to pop out and terrify me like he did every morning, after my shower. 
I still expected him to attack me with his bottle of cologne, simply because he knew I hated the smell of it. 
Now that I think of it, the entire closet smells of his cologne, and I couldn't get enough of it. 

I walked over to his side, where his white dress shirts, polos, slacks, leather jackets, t-shirt, suits, and tuxedos all hung perfectly. 
I delicately pressed my nose to the soft fabric of one of his polos, and inhaled the intoxicating scent of his natural smell and cheesy cologne, that I have a new found appreciation for. 

I stepped away from his side, trying to preserve as much of it as I could. 
I quickly rummaged through my side of the closet, throwing on a pair of jeans, ironically, an Aerosmith t-shirt, and my western boots.
I then grabbed Alesia's clothes, who also shared a closet with us, seeing how we had extra space, and she didn't have many clothes. 

I snatched a pair of her jeans, and her mini riding boots, which matched perfectly to mine. 
As quickly as I could, I closed the closet doors behind me, locking in Antonio's scent, and I got Alesia dressed and ready for riding, then we headed back down to the kitchen where the delicious scent of Antonio's final cooking left me drooling. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alesia and I sat on Spade's saddle, with me in the back, and her taking up very little space in the front, as we strolled around the palace grounds. 
Everytime we would pass the garden, or the back balcony window of the palace, I could see Steven and my mother just staring at us, obviously deep in conversation. 

"Momma, what's gonna happen to daddy's horses?" Alesia broke me out of the thoughts and forced me to think of a suitable answer. 
I actually totally forgot that Antonio and I bought two more horses just after we got married; Ginger and… well, being the Aerosmith fans we are… Sukie Jones. 

"Honey, I think Daddy would want you to have them." I smiled, kissing the top of her head as we continued to trot through the garden. "Which one do you want to be yours? You can only truly take care of one, and have a connection with that horse." 

"Uhh… Ginger!" She giggled, excited about finally owning her own horse. "But what about Sukie?"

"I'll take care of Sukie Jones until you're old enough to have two horses." I laughed a little.

"Momma, I like riding with you, but I wanna ride Ginger!" Alesia turned her little head around to peek up at me, with hope glimmering in her eyes.

"All by yourself?" I asked, proud of my baby girl. 

"Yeah Momma!" She giggled like crazy. 
Just as I was about to turn Spades around, Isabella and Steven came out onto the garden balcony, and called out to us. 

"Where are you two going?" Isabella asked us. 

"She wants to ride Ginger by herself, so we're going to tack her up!" 

"Mind if I come?" Steven called out to us, hoping for a yes. 

"What'dya say, Alesia? Can Steven come?" I asked, bending down slightly to look at the little girl sitting infront of me. 

"Yeah!" she laughed excitedly. 
"Come on, Steven!" I called out as he sprinted down the balcony steps, and made him way over to Spades. 
I scooted up in the saddle, and had Alesia sit on my lap, as I pulled Steven up into the saddle behind me. 
He was so close to me I could feel him and his body heat pressed against me, like the way it was almost 13 or 14 years ago. 
He lightly held my waist, probably to balance himself, which sent shivers up my spine. 

"H-hang on." I gasped a little, as I clutched onto my babygirl and spurred on Spades, breaking him out into a full gallop. 
Within a matter of minutes, we made it to the stables, where I slowed Spades down to a canter, then a trot, then a walk before finally stopping him. 
First, Steven hopped off the saddle, then I did, ony to help Alesia safetly reach the ground. 

"Let's go tack up Ginger!" I laughed holding her little hand as we walked…well, I walked, and she tried sprinting… into the barn. I held Spade's reins in my other hand, leading him into the barn so he wouldn't wander or run. 

Ginger's stall was the second on the left, which is right next to Spade's. After I lead him into his stall, I opened Ginger's stall and lead her out to the hall, where roped were attached to her bridal, so I could properly tack her. 
The Akhal-Teke that stood before us was a magnificant horse, standing at about 16 hands, and was a gorgeous caramel-beige colour, with a shining coat, which is exactly why we named her Ginger. 

"She's gorgous…" Steven gasped. 

"Thank you." I smiled as I put the saddle pad, and then the saddle, on her back. "She's an Akhal-Teke. Antonio and I bought her, from a breeder in Turkmenistan, just after we bought Sukie."

"Sukie?" Steven raised a playful eyebrow, and I knew instantly, that I shouldn't have said anything. 

"Yeah, third stall down, to the right, is Sukie Jones." He laughed as I said the horses name, obviously amused. "She's a Bay Arabian horse."

"Why'd you call her that?" He walked down to the stall I pointed him to, to check the horse out. 

"Well, We got her around '77, like just before Draw The Line, but just after Rocks; and Antonio's a huge Aerosmith fan… And well…" I didn't know how to say this without confusing Alesia, who I'm not sure was even paying attention to our conversation. "He didn't realize at the time that I'm Sukie Jones… So he named her that after hearing Back In The Saddle." 

"When did he realize that you were Sukie?" He asked, now humbled by the affections of my late husband. 

"After that concert back in '85, when you first met him." I sighed, reliving that gut-wrenching night. "I told him everything after that."
I finished tacking up Ginger, and helped Alesia climb up into the saddle. 

"Do you wanna ride Sukie?" I asked, trying to make that sound as innocent as possible, knowing what Steven's dirty mind would instantly translate that to.

He smirked, and then sighed. 
"Sure." 

I just shook my head and then lead the Arabian out of her stall, and tacked her up in no time. 
I quickly showed Steven how to guide the horse, and then we were off, trotting around the palace grounds, just like a decade ago, when the boys first came to Samarinia. 

Everything was so simple back then. 
There was no treaty. No dead husband. No little girl to look after… Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart, but I miss being well… a kid. I miss being able to curl up in bed with Steven and know that everything was going to be okay. 
I was just a girl in love with rock n' roll, and in love with a rockstar.
Then everything had to go and change. Everything had to be made complicated. 

I hadn't noticed that the sun was beginning to set. 
We've been out with the horses for that long?

"Guys, let's bring them back in, it's getting late." 
And we did just that. 

After all the horses were sucessfully untacked, brushed down and fed, Steven and I were leaning up against the Sukie's stall door, while Alesia was petting Ginger.
I should be terrified that my 3 foot tall 3 year old is standing next to an 8 foot tall animal that could easily crush her, but I knew that Ginger is a sweet animal, that loves Alesia and would never hurt her. 

"So, are you okay?" Steven asked, leaning in a little bit closer to me, closing the distance between us. 

"No, but I will be." I sighed, looking down at my hands. "I've got to be, for Alesia." 

"You don't have to be so strong all the time, you know." He chuckled, longing to bring back a time in which the circumstances would be different. "You can always lean on me… I'm always here."

"That's what you said last time…" I rolled my eyes and looked away, gazing at my beautiful daughter who was in utter bliss, ignorant to all the pain around her. 

"It was different then, and you know it." He sighed. "I'm sober now."

"Well that's good." I smiled, happy for his accomplishments. "God, I can't even remember the last time I had something…"

"I'm proud of you… You know, you just scream resiliance. Life hands you the toughest shit, and you just make the best out of it." He smiled, grabbing my hand and intertwining our fingers. 
The spark of electricity ran through me at his touch, and I knew at his gasp, that he felt it too. 

"Thank you." Was all I could mutter. I looked back through the door of the barn to see trees whistling from the cool October wind. It was dark, and I knew that I had to get some sleep. "Antonio's parents are flying in tomorrow for the funeral, so I should probably get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to an exhausting day." 

I unwrapped my fingers from his, and strolled over towards my baby girl.
"Alesia, darling, we need to get you to bed, okay?" All she could do was sleepily nod and yawn. "Do you wanna sleep in your room, or with me, tonight?" 
Again, she nodded sleepily, which I'm assuming means she didn't want to spend the night alone either. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I put Alesia to sleep in my bed, I kissed her goodnight and promised her I would be there soon. 
Something compelled me to make sure that Steven was settled in alright, so I mustered up as much courage as possible, and I knocked on the heavy wood doors of his bedroom. 

"Ye-" He paused as he opened the door, probably not expecting to see me. "Hey, Ace."

"Hi." I smiled lightly. "I…uh… I was just coming to see if you were settled in okay."

"Yeah, I am. Thank you." He mimmicked my awkward smile, and then stepped back from the door. "Wanna come in?"

"Uhm, sure…" I took a wary step past him into the familiar quest room of the palace. "Only for a minute though, Alesia is waiting for me."

"Ace…" He sighed, closing the door behind me. 

"What?" I asked, turning around to face him. 
Not knowing the proximity of how close he was to me, I turned right into him.
With his amazing reflexes, he caught me before I could lose my balance, and he held me close to him. 

We stared into each others frightened and confused eyes, with our lips were only inches from each other.
"Steven, I…" I paused, not knowing what to say.
I missed him terribly, and though I technically wasn't married anymore, I couldn't do this to Antonio.
I couldn't disgrace him like this. 

He leaned in just a ittle closer, testing me. 
"Steven, I can't do this…" I breathed, almost inaudibly. 

No matter how many times I would try to bring myself to step back, or to push him away, I couldn't do it. 
I just couldn't bring myself to leave him… It's happened too many times before. 
He and I both knew there was no way out of this situation. 
There was no such thing as will power; this was fate. 

He leaned in, closing the last few millimeters between us, interlocking our lips. 
He was kind and gentle and his plush lips made me feel at home. 
His sweet breathe was a taste I've missed for so many years, and the sparks I felt from his lips being against mine, drove me insane. 

I pulled back, panting, and stepping away from him. 
"Steven, this isn't right." I sighed, as tears pricked in my eyes. 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it." He grasped my hand with his. "I still love you. I get stoned on you girl."

"I still love you too…" a few tears streamed down my cheeks. "Just… just give me some time. I need to think things over."

"Okay, love." He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight Steven." I smiled as I walked out of his room, and made my way back to my own.

I softly shut the door to the master bedroom behind me, and made my way to the grandiose king bed that stood in the center of the room.
Even though Alesia was staying with me tonight, the bed still felt so much bigger now that Antonio's not here to share it with me. 
I do truly miss him with everything in me, but on the same token, I love Steven.
Antonio was right, that night I confessed everything to him outside of the concert in 1985… Loving Steven will haunt me to the day I die if I don't do something about it. 

"Steven likes you, Momma." Alesia, sleepily mummbled, rolling over in my arms. 

"How do you know that, baby?" I asked, kissing the top of her head. 

"Cause I know." She yawned. "And I know you like him too… Daddy wouldn't mind, momma. Daddy would want you to be happy."
Her soft words hit me like a ton of bricks, making silent tears spill down my face. 

"I love you, Alesia."
"I love you too, momma."