Life begins at Night (EDITING! DONT READ YET!)

Thirty-three

Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

Kasalukuyan akong naglilinis ng sala habang nagpapatugtog si ate Anna. Sabado kasi ngayon at simula ng paglilinis. Sinulyapan ko yung kapatid kong tulala nanaman.

Dalawang araw ang nakalipas pagkatapos ng mga sinabi nya. Madalas ko syang nakikitang tulala, lutang at para bang wala sya sa earth. Gusto ko syang lapitan at tanungin pero, alam kong kailangan nya ng oras. Hindi ko mawari kung bakit sya nagkakaganyan.

Pinagmasdan ko syang mabuti, base sa mga kinikikos nya. Tila ba'y pinapakinggan nyang mabuti ang kantang lumalabas sa speaker.

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She's the only thing you've ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

She started to curled into herself, her knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around to her legs. I can see that she is shaking—or even shuddering. Anxiety starts to strangling me. I swallow back the emotion building in my throat—my body.

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

I never expected to seen her like this—like a weak. Sa aming dalawa, sya ang malakas, matatag, matibay. But seeing her to that position—what happened? I almost can't breathe.

Dahan dahan itong yumuko. And, I can see that she is sobbing right now—she slowly breaks apart. Marahan akong napabuga ng hangin. I look down to the white floor, hiding my own emotions.

It's slowly killing me wherever I see this—shit, it's a shit.

Lumapit ako sa kung saan sya ngayon nakaupo. Nasa gilid ito ng kusina. Nakaupo sa sahig. Napakagat labi ako. I run my hands to her shoulders, squeezing it so tightly. I could hardly feel her sobbing.

"Are you alright?" halos bulong kong tanong. Napapikit ako dahil sa tanong ko. Malamang hindi sya okay, Mary Jane! Gusto kong sampalin sarili ko.

Halos labing-limang minuto kaming nasa ganoong posisyun. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. Gusto ko lang naman na iparamdam sakanya na nandito ako. Kung kailangan nya ng kausap, nandito lang naman ako. Hindi nya kailangang suluhin o itago sa loob nya.

Dahan dahan na rin itong humihina sa paghikbi. Damang-dama ko ang mabigat nyang pasan. She slowly tilt her head up—to face me. Her nose, eyes so much red. Ngumiti ako ng malaki.

"Akyat ka na ng kwarto mo." sambit ko. Ilang segundo nya muna akong tinitigan bago tumayo. Pinagmasdan ko lang sya hanggang sa nakaakyat ito. Maingay kong inilabas ang mainit na hangin sa bunganga ko.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpupunas sa mga figurines at glass table. Pinatay ko na rin yung tugtog. Napapaubo nalang ako habang pinupunasan naman ang bookshelf. Grabe ang mga alikabok nito. Pamatay baga!

Napadako ang tingin ko sa lumang piano na nakapwesto malapit sa bookshelf. Ni-minsan hindi ko pa ito nahawakan o nagamit. Naalala ko dati, noong eight palang ako. Mahilig kami ni Wendy pumunta sa apartment nila Mr. and Mrs. Henchard. Napakagaling na musikero ng mag-asawa na iyun.