pathetic |/ ON HOLD

n i n e

also i trigger warning for the whole of this chapter i'm really sorry, pretty much its just iris going through what it's like when she's really upset. the next chapter will not be anything triggering, just a bit of arguing. again i'm really sorry xx

iris |/ pov

i leant back from josh, not wanting to be near him anymore. he listens to me talk about my most intimate things. things that i barely tell anyone. i can't believe i trusted him enough to get to me. i know that i have only known him for a while, but we got on really well, our personalities fitting together. do i not know him well enough?

"a girlfriend?" all i could muster was a whisper, as i looked up at him, tears threatening to spill over my eyelids.

"moon i'm sor-" he started.

"i don't wanna hear it josh," i started shaking my head, not believing what he just told me, "don't call me moon either, only friends can call me that"

"iris, don't jump to conclusions, let me explain" josh couldn't even look me in the eye.

"let you explain? explain what josh?! i trusted you, i've told you my secrets, i let you in! i never thought you would be this kind of person" my emotions were getting the best of me, like they always do. tears flowed freely down my face, dripping off my chin and onto my lap.

"i- i don't know, i jus- i really like you iris, a-and i am dating someone, but i like you too.." i slowly looked up to see josh staring back at me, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes.

"why are you crying? your trying to play the victim here, don't make this all about you and your 'problems'" i spat, getting angry.

josh's shoulders slumped, his almost tears now falling too. the man in front of me looked so broken, so upset. but he brought this upon himself. he should have said something. done something. all i could feel was my body crumpling up inside of itself; completely different to the feeling i had not even 5 minutes ago.

"get out" i whispered, not wanting him around anymore. he looked up, his once bright eyes, now dull.

i got up and walked into the kitchen, not bothering to show him to the door. i sat by my kitchen island, slumped against the cold marble, crying. did he not even think about how i would feel when he told me? even after we kissed? it's such a selfish thing to do, putting your feelings before someone else's. he chose to 'like' me, because it made him feel happy at the time, he didn't think about how i would feel when i found out.

the marble was cold and smooth against my skin, soothing me, yet making me feel worse. it felt like i was isolated, on a tiny island in the sea of all the people. all around me were waves thrashing peacefully. on the shore were remnants of my torn up thoughts, wrecked by the storm of my mind. my ears had been blocked by the salt water, drowning out the noise of the outside world. the soft ticking of the clock. the gentle hum of the radio. everything was blocked out. 

everything except the voice in my head. 

the voice that gave me nightmares. the voice that hurt me. 

the voice of which i had nothing to fear, but to fear nothing.

rasping and wheezing, spluttering to life. it was the boat that would drag me further out to sea, further away from sanity.

i would listen to it from time to time, let it guide me out to shore. let the currents drag me away. but that was when i was tired. other times i would thrash and kick and scream out for it to let me go and to leave me alone. i didn't want it here, and yet 'here' was where it would stay.

i could feel a hand lace with mine, dragging me away from the kitchen, dragging me to the depths of my mind. i knew where it was taking me. and yet i was too weak and tired to care.

i drifted as it pulled me through the sea of hands, to a tiny island where i would be isolated and alone. although the hands seemed relaxed and inviting, i knew they were anything but. if i was to dip even my foot in to them, they would grab me and they wouldn't let go.

this was all too familiar.

the blood started next. it started pooling around the edge of the sand island, making the sand disintegrate until there was a circle just around my feet, barely enough for me to stand without losing my balance.

i pleaded, and screamed. nothing can hear me, but it chooses to ignore me. the hands move with the blood pushing it forward, they were clawing at my feet now, trying to pull me off. i knew all too well what was to happen next. the hands started digging through the sand, as the so often do, trying to get to me sooner. masses of limbs pushing forward to get to me. the sky cracked open with lightening, the rain oozing out of the cuts made in the sky. the water didn't seem to bother the hands though, they kept digging. i could feel the sand start to wear away at my feet.

i continued to scream. praying that someone would hear me. save me.

the sand had almost completely gone and i knew what would happen next.

i'd fall away.