you & i

twenty-three » hubble's law

dear infinity,

guess what? i'm tired of everything, too. maybe you have more tragedies to deal with in your life, but that doesn't mean that i'm not struggling to survive, either. just because your two plus two equals four doesn't mean that my one plus one doesn't equal two. either way, whether one has a greater amount or not, it all adds up to struggles. adding was never a good way to measure the experiences a person goes through, anyway.

it's not a competition. we aren't all aiming for first prize in the my-life-sucks-i'm-a-mess contest. we all have to deal with certain things, and we all deal with certain things differently. so, please, don't discredit my pain by saying you have it worse. worse for you does not mean worse for me, and vice versa.

i suppose i'm just disappointed. i thought you were more understanding than that. i didn't expect you to explode in my face like that. that was uncalled for, honestly.

however, i do admit that i could have handled the situation much better. i yelled back at you, and that was uncalled for as well. my anger and hurt had just added up to one huge mess, only to come crashing down on me and overflowing onto you. i never wanted that to happen, but i suppose it had always been bound to do so.

i'm not going to apologize first, however. why would i apologize for something i don't regret? of course, i regret actually having an argument, but i don't regret the things i said. because they're true. i know they are, and you know they are as well. you have been distant and unreasonable. i don't like that the only real interactions we ever really have anymore are when we're in bed at a party and you're drunk beyond comprehension. we've been falling apart, and i'm positively livid that you aren't doing anything about it.

i only regret the way i said them. it was unnecessary for me to spit those words out at you like they were venom and you were my prey. i was being as irrational as pi, and i suppose i could apologize for that.

but that doesn't change the fact that you have some apologizing to do as well, finn. what happened? i was looking through my old letters, and i can pretty much trace back to the event that completely imbalanced our equation. it was your brother's party from way back when.

do you remember it? i definitely do, and i definitely hope you do, too. we gave ourselves to each other in a way we never had before that night. but apparently that means nothing to you now. the only thing that matters to you now is that you're tired of having to deal with so many problems, and apparently i'm one of them. even after i've loyally stayed by your side, even now, i am nothing but a problem you don't seem to want to solve.

well, if i'm that much of an issue, why don't you just break up with me?

but i don't want that. because every couple has their maximums and minimums, and this just happens to be a relative minimum for us. that doesn't mean we have to end here. there's still more of the function to be graphed, and i want to see this through to the end with you, infinity. i can only hope we're an odd function, starting from nothing and continuing on to a future of a positive infinity.

love,
beyond