you & i

twenty-six » accretion

dear infinity,

i might be growing to hate you, even if i still—still, despite how you've wronged me—love you in some cruel twist of fate. it's not fair that i can see it in your eyes that the only remorse you feel is because you were caught. you would do it all over again, wouldn't you?

you didn't even apologize to me when i tried to talk to you again. you just said that i was being unreasonable and it wasn't even a big deal and i needed to calm down. you want me to "calm down"? even if it didn't mean anything to you, it meant quite a lot to me, thank you very much. i don't think you've even considered how much pain that you have caused me. because having a good time has torn my heart out of my chest. because making a mistake has shattered my heart to dust. because something that will never happen again has made me never want to love again.

yet i can't stop. can't you see? you may have stolen my heart, and you may have broken it so much that it can't possibly be recognized anymore, but you still have it—you still have me, and i need to somehow get my heart back before you can hurt me again. i traveled too close to the sun i so admired, and now i've been burnt. but i can't stop; my course has been set; my function has been defined.

i want to stop loving you and start hating you, but it's an asymptote i can move closer and closer to yet never touch, never reach, never accomplish. it's like an equation i will never solve. and maybe i don't want to solve it.

but we'll never get anywhere if you continue to refuse to talk to me about it. all this arguing and throwing the blame back and forth will never resolve anything for us. all we're doing is piling on the negative constants instead of actually solving the equation, and i'm getting tired of it. math might come easily to you, but i need more time to think about it. i need help understanding what we're doing, and your blasé attitude isn't helping me but rather hindering me.

maybe i'm at as much fault as you are for the arguing, but can you really hold that against me? you cheated on me, and now i'm hurt, and now i'm broken. yet you won't even acknowledge my pain except to say i'm "overreacting" and "being unreasonable." i had so much faith in you, my beloved, cruel finn, but you betrayed that faith and refuse to even validate it.

and now i keep turning in circles, unable to come up with a clear solution, trapped between hating you and loving you yet doing both at the same time. this state of limbo is a very dangerous one to be in, i think, because while i can't help but marvel at your beauty, i also can't help but hate you and your hands and how they somehow grabbed hold of my heart and won't let go anymore. the nerve of you.

now, because i so believed in your positivity, because it had been an undisputed axiom in my proof of life, i can't even trust the textbooks when they try to convince me that one plus one is two or that fifty minus five is forty-five. how can i trust those when i can't even trust my own heart to steer me right or my own mind to make sound judgments?

i'm so tired of everything. i just want everything to go back to the way it was, before we ran into these troubles i thought we could face. before i gave you my heart. before i realized you wouldn't give me yours.

sincerely,
beyond