you & i

twenty-eight » supernova

dear infinity,

i have no words at this moment.

actually, you know what? scratch that. i have tried and tried time and time again to fix this, to fix us, but you have refused every single one of my attempts. you push me away, make light of everything that's happened, and refuse to acknowledge that we're having problems just so that you don't have to deal with it.

so you were only looking for some fun. so i got too serious too quickly. why didn't you say anything to me about it earlier? you could have been totally and brutally honest with me before. maybe i would have been hurt, but at least i still would have trusted you.

but i know you're being honest now, and because we're being honest now, i think i ought to tell you that it hurts more to know now that i have been trapped thinking you wanted our relationship as much as i do and you cared about this relationship as much as i do when, in reality, you wanted nothing more than a good time together. i can't believe i wasted so much time pining for you, so many nights thinking of you, and so many of your namesake loving you more and more. though you demanded my love, you never truly wanted it.

yet you have the nerve to argue with me that none of this was your fault. as if you never did anything wrong. as if i'm the one who caused every single problem in our relationship.

you know that's as far from the truth as negative infinity is from positive infinity. i gave you the honest truth about what i was feeling and thinking and wishing for. i was completely and utterly committed to us. i wanted to make us work to the point of exhausting myself just so that we could stay together.

but you spat that all back in my face. you said that i was clingy. you said that i was needy. you said that i wasn't loving but rather possessive and jealous and controlling and everything i worked hard not to be. you said that i needed to lighten up, that we would be fine if i would just learn to let things go, that you didn't agree to be my girlfriend just for me to become a tyrant.

i am not a tyrant. you may think so just because you're so reckless and foolish all the time, but i'm really just looking out for you, for me, for us. i don't want you to die in high school of alcohol poisoning. i don't want you to be raped while drunk out of your mind at a party. i don't want to hear more rumors about how you're cheating on me at every single party i don't go to. i don't want to look at you and feel like i might not be enough because you don't say "i love you" unless i say it first. i don't want to worry that i'm not as good as the last guy at making you happy and satisfied when, clearly, i should be the only guy. i don't want to feel like i'm giving you one hundred percent of me only to receive nothing in return.

i don't need to put up with this. i really don't. you may be the slope of my line, but i've realized i'm fine with just being a constant because at least i know i'm not being lifted up only to be dropped.

sincerely,
beyond