you & i

twenty-seven » variable star

dear infinity,

you have been insufferable for the past couple of months. not only have you become a party animal, but you have also cheated on me and then disregarded my feelings like they weren't important to begin with. yet, somehow, you still manage to allure me with your lack of a plausible solution. i can't figure you out, and somehow that keeps me coming back for more. i still can't bear the thought of losing you.

and it doesn't help when you go and do things like you did yesterday. things that make me feel like you actually do have a heart, that you actually might love me back, that you and i weren't just a cheap lie to amuse you until you found something better. i know that my thoughts are irrational and that everything doesn't quite add up anymore, but maybe that's because you just confuse me like my math homework does. no matter how many questions i ask, no matter how many times i think i understand, no matter how many hours i spend working away, i just can't seem to grasp any understanding of either.

but maybe i don't need to understand. there are times when i feel like talking and understanding would solve all of our problems, and there are times when i just want to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy the entity that is infinity.

i still love you, infinity. and i still hate you, finn.

i hate you for the times when you make decisions for our relationship without consulting me. i hate you for the moments when you fool me into thinking you love me back only to tear down my grandeur illusion. i hate you for the hours that i spend just marveling at you.

but then there are days like yesterday when there is no reason to do anything but marvel at you. you were actually the one who asked me out on a date. you may not have said anything about the arguments or the cheating, but i didn't think you had to. (it probably would have just ruined the evening.)

the date you had planned wasn't anything we hadn't done before (a movie and ice cream cones in the park), but it was special because it was the first time in two months that we'd managed to spend time together without ending a conversation on the verge of tears or yelling at each other. it was simple, and after the last two months, simple was welcome the same way simple addition is a refreshing breather from finding the volume of a solid formed by a line that is rotated around the x-axis using integrals and calculus.

we spent hours on end after we finished our ice cream just talking a whole lot about nothing. and i loved every second of it. it was so easy to get lost in you again, to let your presence engulf me for the night, to fall asleep with you in my arms like so many times before.

and it scares me at the same time because you have let me down before as well. you make me feel too much sometimes, to the point where i'm too overwhelmed to even react. but i guess i have no choice but to hold onto this good memory because i don't know when the next will happen.

sometimes i just hate what you do to me.

sincerely,
beyond