you & i

twenty-nine » singularity

dear infinity,

i can't believe it. it's finally over. we broke up. we finally broke up.

to say i'm relieved is an understatement. i finally feel free as the domain of a line, a quadratic function, a cubic function, a quartic function, or basically any function with a domain of all real numbers. there are no limits to what one can plug in for x in those functions, basically. (i know you know this because you're a math person, but i just needed to drive the point home that now i am the value being plugged in for ex.)

i am finally rid of our fighting and our arguments and my pointless worries over whether you thought i was enough for you. (i guess i wasn't.) i don't have to deal with the parties or the other guys or even your breakdowns of a one night stand gone wrong. rumors about you and me are a thing of my past.

but as much as i am relieved, i'm also heartbroken. we had something good going on for a while, but we lost it, and now it's gone forever.

honestly, i miss the times when we would just lay in bed and talk for hours. not having sex, not kissing, not even any romantic physical contact. just talking about anything and everything that came to mind. i lose myself in memories of simple dates when we just enjoyed the other's company. i relive the moments when we had fun figuring each other out. i guess you figured me out long before i figured you out, and i guess you grew tired of me once you did.

we were supposed to be infinite, you know, like your namesake. we were supposed to last a lifetime, finn, but you ruined it all with the parties and the cheating and the apathy. i might have hated your apathy the most.

i have realized that you and i might have never existed. there might have been a you, but perhaps i was as i has always been: imaginary. perhaps i was just a placeholder for a number in your equation that didn't exist. perhaps our function never touched the x-axis at all, and that's why we didn't work out. if this is true, then i'm sorry for having wasted your time trying to find a solution that didn't exist.

but that's all in the past now. and i have decided that, regardless of my heartache and longing, i am relieved and unrepentant now that we are no longer together. i don't need the suffering and pain you made me endure. it doesn't benefit me at all, unlike the arduous math homework i am assigned in school every day. practice did not make perfect, but it wasn't my fault. i was the one working hard; you refused to lift a finger.

i just don't understand why you didn't want to help me make us work. maybe if we had just talked everything out properly—meaning that we actually listen to what the other has to say instead of dismissing it as overreaction—and worked together to find a solution, we would be a happy couple.

i've never been great at problem-solving. (you've seen my math scores.) but i work hard to understand the concept and to find the answers.

but for you it's different. problem-solving is almost second nature to you. (why else would you enjoy math so much?) you don't have to work all that hard to get your answers. so the moment things between us became difficult, you didn't know what to do with yourself or with us besides nothing. nothing was exactly what you did. and i'm not going to lie: i'm disappointed, finn. i thought you were better than that.

then again, i also thought we would last. but regrets don't matter now, do they?

sincerely,
beyond