you & i

thirty-two » confidence

dear infinity,

i'm sorry. i realize the error in my ways now. it may have taken my sisters and even your brother to convince me that i was wasting my time and that i was merely pushing my unwanted feelings onto you, but i know now that i can't expect you to fall in love with me anymore. i lost my chance when i let you slip away.

i just miss you. i miss us. you and i were a great team together, in my opinion. we understood each other perfectly until we just didn't. but that doesn't mean we can't be close like that ever again, does it?

honestly, i don't know exactly what i want anymore. on one hand, i just want to be with you again. i just want the security of knowing you're mine and i'm yours and we're meant to be together. on the other hand, i don't want to pressure you into a relationship you really do not want.

maybe i just want you to be happy. maybe i just want to be happy myself. and maybe i just think that we could both be happy together, despite what all of the statistics or rumors or whatever else is out there that is opposing the idea of us says.

i miss hanging out with you. i miss talking for hours on end under the night sky. i miss our conversations about art and about astronomy and about math. i miss you, infinity. i wish we could be close again. i don't really want to care about what bad history we had together. there are times when i see you so exhausted by the world that all i want to do is gather you up in my arms like i used to and wipe away all of your tears. i wish i could just be there for you like i used to.

is that so wrong?

to be honest, i don't even know if i care about being a couple anymore. i know i've been trying to make that happen for almost four months by now, but it's true. i've come to realize that i just want to be close to you again, whether that's romantic or platonic or some other sort of love. you and i converged, approaching a finite limit with frightening speed, but i wish we had diverged instead, stretching toward infinity without the slightest hint of hesitation. i want us to still be together, even if that's not together.

i know i'm not making sense. the only thing that's clear to me now is that i miss you. i just miss spending time with the beautiful person that you are. and i'm sorry for taking that for granted when we were together. i wanted you to match up to this ideal version of you that i had imagined all on my own, and when you couldn't—only because you are gloriously and utterly human—i blamed it all on you and started putting too much stress on our relationship.

i was so blind, infinity. and i'm sorry. i really am. can we just ignore the last fifteen months or so and be close to each other again? i promise i won't mind if you go to parties and sleep with other guys.

i just miss you, infinity. i really do.

sincerely,
beyond