you & i

twenty-four » ursa major

dear infinity,

i honestly can't believe you. you've really hurt me, finn. i'm just—i'm just so shocked that you would even think to betray me like this. no set of data nor any calculated probability could have ever prepared me for the pure betrayal and raw pain i'm feeling right now. this was all because of you; this was all because of him; this was all because of you and him.

i warned you, didn't i? i heard all the rumors about what he wanted to do, about what he was going to do, about what he has already done. yet you never listened—as you never do—insisting he was just a friend who joined you in partying when i was too tired to go with you. but now, now he's something much more, isn't he?

was it because you spent "quality time" with him rather than with me? was it because you "connected" with him through experiences i could never imagine and in ways i could never understand? was it because he's everything new and exciting while i am only something old and familiar? well, then, let me apologize, finn, for not being current enough to keep your interest, for not doing more to win your heart, for not scrambling to keep my place in your heart secure as always, for not being enough for you.

but please, explain to me exactly how i was the one who drove you to this point, finn. point out to me the exact moment in time that i sinned enough to somehow cause you to become everything i was convinced you would never be. tell me the reason why i have to prove myself to you over and over again just to make sure that i am still number one in your heart.

it's unbelievable. i don't know how time has passed since i found out, but ever since i heard about your stupidity, your ignorance, your infidelity, i have done nothing but replay the events that must have occurred. i can do nothing at all but imagine how everything must have happened.

you and he were at a party, weren't you? you must have gotten drunk out of your mind as you always do. (i think i'm the only one who tries to stop you anymore, not that i attend as many parties as i did before or as you do now anyway.) when you're drunk, you act as irrationally as pi, performing as many idiotic stunts as there are digits in that very same number.

and this must have been just another one of those stunts. because why else would you choose to dance with him like you did? because why else would you let him whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he led you upstairs? because why else would you dare to forget about me, your boyfriend, and instead sleep in another's arms like you did that night?

it hurts, finn, and i can't pinpoint the pain to an exact spot so i can fix it. no, instead it's an excruciating ache all over my body, stretching from my heart to my head to the rest of my body. it doesn't ebb in or out like a trigonometric function either. no, instead the pain is as constant as the slope of a straight line, with no endpoint in sight.

i just can't believe you would act so... i don't even know what to call it anymore if i'm going to be honest with you. (that's something you apparently lack.) we'll say undefined because i have no way to measure the amount of evil you have committed and the amount of pain you have caused me. to me, you are now an undefined function stretching to who-knows-where (aka infinity, because you apparently aren't content by my side— no, you just had to find someone else to warm your bed that night) with no limits and no boundaries and definitely no sense of morality.

i know i've said this before, but i'll say it again: i can't believe you cheated on me.

you, of all people. i just had to give my heart to you, of all of the seven point four billion plus people on this earth i could have given it to. i believed in us, in you and me. i thought our love could be as infinite as you seemed to be. and now look at what you've done.

do you feel sorry? do you feel any remorse for what you've done? perhaps your ribs were always an empty cage; your feelings for me, as nonexistent as the value of zero divided by zero. maybe that's why you let me give you my heart; you needed it to fill the void left by your dead, still one. but you can't have it because i want it back.

sincerely,
beyond