you & i

thirty-three » friendship

dear infinity,

you will never be able to imagine how relieved i am that we are friends once again. i honestly felt like not being friends with you was like walking through the fields of punishment for my sins against you or having to do extra math problems because i didn't do well on the last test (which has actually happened and will probably happen again).

i hope that conveys my relief that that pain is over. i am so grateful to you for forgiving me for destroying our relationship before and taking me back as a friend. i've been so lost without you, and i've missed you so, so much.

we've been hanging out a lot more lately, and i love every second of it. i forgot how easy it is to just be around you. no matter how many times i flub at conversation, you're always there to diffuse the situation. i'm so grateful to you for putting up with me.

i've realized that our dynamic is better when we're just friends, anyway. i may still miss the perks of being your boyfriend, but i agree that we work better as close friends.

because now i realize why you didn't seem to work as hard to keep us together as a couple. (i mean, i may or may not have just realized because you told me earlier.) i'm so sorry that i hadn't seen it before, but i know now that you are afraid of commitment.

i know i should have realized that when i was the one initiating every hug and kiss and "i love you." i know i should have realized that when you refused to treat our relationship seriously (because it really wasn't to you). i know i should have realized that a long time ago, but i didn't. just be glad that i do now.

so this is part of the reason why we work better as friends. friendship can be less of a commitment than romance if we want it to be. we don't have to worry about things breaking us apart because it shouldn't matter to me if you sleep with another guy. (even if it does, i won't feel the need to break off our friendship just for that like i did when we were together.) the vinculum dividing us was no one but ourselves, anyway. now we have no reason to do so.

it's relieving to know that i can still call you up and ask you to go somewhere and you'll probably agree because that's what friends do. i forgot how much fun it was studying with you: i teach you astronomy and art while you teach me math and art history. and we both study history together.

we make a good team. i'm so sorry i almost threw that away for a relationship that you couldn't commit to, anyway.

sincerely,
beyond