locked [chanbaek and kaisoo]

Chapter 22

After finishing work and finally boarding the bus to go back home, Baekhyun still couldn't get rid of the awful,wrenching feeling in his gut.

It was constantly there, the whole day, with no intention of disappearing or getting any lighter or more bearable. As time passed, it eventually managed to bother Baekhyun to the point of not being able to concentrate on anything else. The whole day at work he was out of his mind because of it, writing wrong things on the wrong papers, unable to hear or even comprehend Jongin's commands. No need to say, his productivity was somewhere near zero today, and everybody noticed.

Not to mention that even now, all alone, Baekhyun also managed to embarass himself because of that unsettled feeling. Right before the doors of the bus he was in closed, Baekhyun suddenly realized that he had to run back to his seat, only to get back the briefcase he had forgotten there. Red all over and already sweating in his suit, he then had to go ask the driver to pull over and let him out personally, because he accidentally had missed his stop. As if he didn't have enough troubles as it was.

And not even trying to be polite about it, the driver cursed at him for being so distracted. He looked as tired as Baekhyun was himself, and as he opened the door for Baekhyun, kept mumbling something about 'not having all the time in the world to pull over for every other fool" and 'this was the last time'.

Honestly, Baekhyun felt like cursing, too.

But he didn't know how to get out of it, this stupid circle of being distracted and feeling bad. No matter how hard he tried to will that feeling away, it simply didn't budge.

And so eventually, Baekhyun settled for the one way to deal with all of this he knew - ignoring it. He simply ignored the feeling, letting it be there, do its thing. He worked, he talked, he asked, and he pretended. The whole day, he pretended to be fine, for Chanyeol, for his co-workers, and it worked.

But then, the act of being fine crumbled to pieces as soon as he stepped into his apartment.

Baekhyun dropped his briefcase onto the floor, not caring about making a mess literally seconds after he stepped into his home. The buckle of his bag slipped open at the force of the fall, and some of Baekhyun's papers spilled onto the floor.

But Baekhyun didn't care for that one bit. He just stared at the white sheets for a second as if surprised of them being there, and then crouched down, sitting on the floor in front of the mess he just created. Tired, Baekhyun leaned his back on the wall behind. He hugged his knees close, and burried his face in his arms.

You're okay, he willed himself to believe, closing his eyes shut.

It's okay.

You did the right thing.

This is going to pass soon.

He knew, Baekhyun knew that it was not going to pass. Half of him was so furious for the way he gave in, and gave up all his pride in front of Chanyeol's father. He knew that if he stays here alone, he will eventually suffocate himself, cursing at his the decision he made, asking himself fearful questions. Eventually he would cry himself to sleep. It was the pattern he lived through everytime a decision like this had to be made, and no matter how badly Baekhyun hated it, it never changed. He blamed himself, worried, and cried.

He learned to deal with it this way since he was really young, a carefree teen back in highschool. After his father left, and Baekhyun suddenly became the man of the house, the only man there who was supposed to take care of his family, he was so scared. Every single of his decisions suddenly counted. Every minute of his time became important and needed. He had to take up jobs, to help his mom with money and chores, with his sister, and all of that came crashing down on his head when he was just a kid. Unprepared, he was unceremoniously thrust into the world of grown ups, and told he had to learn to act like one.