Winter's Fire → Game of Thrones

xi. Winterfell's Festivities

As the sun rose behind the manse, I watched it reflect off the sea, the light pink and orange tones changing the sea to a similar colour. The waves seemed to be lightly caressing the shore, lapping over each other gently. It was calming and beautiful, and there was yet to be any noise coming from anywhere but the sea and the distant chirping of birds.

It was going to be a beautiful day, which comforted me slightly, but not much. It is the day of the small festivities held in Winterfell to 'appreciate the gods'. It is really just another reason for men to get drunk and eat a lot of food. Father used to go out and pray on this day, while Mother would be left to host everyone because she believes in the Seven.

I believe in the Old Gods, but you cannot pray without a Heart Tree. There is no point, as the Gods will not be able to hear you or help you. The Seven are much the same, although I think people have small carvings that they carry around to pray to. I do not think carrying around a tiny sapling and trying to carve a face into it will do much good, as the gods are meant to be connected to the earth too.

The Heart Tree in Winterfell was out in the Godswood, surrounded by oaks and sentinels and other trees and bushes. There were hot springs throughout the Godswood, but the water near the tree was actually just a pond that had fish swimming around in it. Because of the hot springs, it was always warm, but it was also usually empty because not many people prayed there anymore.

Weirwood trees - which is the type of tree that the Heart Tree in Winterfell's Godswood is - have pale bark and red leaves that used to remind me of bloody hands, but no longer do. There is a face carved into it that is melancholy and long. I believe that the face only looks melancholy due to the red sap that leaks from the deep-cut eyes, which runs down the tree and stops a little bit after the face.

Now that the sun was slightly higher in the sky and it was light enough to say it is no longer dawn, the manse began to wake up. I just stayed standing where I was, watching the waves lap against the shore. The noise calmed me and made me feel a bit better about everything that was happening, and what I was missing.

One of the serving girls found me outside and told me that breakfast was ready, and I felt bad because she must have been worrying that she would have to tell Illyrio she could not find me. That, and it was quite a walk from my chambers to out here. I apologised for it and let her lead me to the table that was set up outside for once.

I was the first one there, after Illyrio of course, and he offered me a small smile. We both sat in silence, waiting for Daenerys and Viserys. It was not comfortable, but it did not feel uncomfortable either. That was what I wanted - an in-between. I do not get many of those anymore, but I suppose that it is a good thing.

When Viserys and Daenerys joined us, neither of them looked at me. I just focused on the food that was set in front of me. I had lost my appetite last week when Viserys and I screamed at each other, but I have been trying to be polite and eat as much as I can. I know that I cannot just stop eating, as that could end horribly for me.

Viserys must have convinced Daenerys not to talk to me, and Alios has been busy, so I have been alone a lot. My thoughts are not especially kind to me, so I try and keep myself busy by reading. I even began to sow something, just to distract myself. My mind is trying to battle itself, and I do not know how to explain it further than that because that is what it feels like.

One side of my brain - the unkind, doubtful side - is telling me that Viserys is right. It is telling me that everyone hates me, as well as that I will never be loved. Ever since this fight, it has been allowing me to hate myself, just like everyone else hates me.

The other part admits that I was wrong, but it also insists that Viserys was too. I am loved, and the letter from my family saying goodbye proves that. Alios took some time off yesterday to visit me as well, which further proves that point. Viserys was just as cruel as me, too, which should not really be much of a reassurance, but it is.