Winter's Fire → Game of Thrones

liii. Acceptance

There was only a few days left until Tyrion's trial by combat. I had been keeping in contact with Oberyn and offering to train with him, but he was unbothered. He was so confident and sure that he was going to beat the Mountain. It was quite hard to argue with that kind of self-assuredness.

I suspected that Oberyn was sure he was going to win because he was going to poison his blade. Whether or not Oberyn survived - which he was also sure he was going to do - he would still win. The Mountain dying of a horrid poison would be a victory. He would also take out Tywin Lannister's mad dog and the strength of the Lannister army would fall down a peg.

This trial by combat was making me nervous. I was nervous because I had allowed myself to form a friendship with Oberyn Martell. I was also nervous because after the trial would be the best time for me to escape. I had a lot to lose here, but I had a lot I wanted to gain by leaving. It was all difficult.

The garden in the Red Keep was an ideal place to think. They were usually quiet if you were away from the pavilions. They were clearly royal gardens and were set out and designed to reflect the wealth of the King. Something about them was not quite right though. It was like the gardens held the bloodshed King's Landing had seen within them.

In a way they did. That horrid statue of Joffrey standing over a dead direwolf still stood. It should be torn down, but that would never happen now. I wanted to tear it down, but I could not. Everyone would claim I was disgracing a dead, prick of a king.

I did not really come to the gardens for the gardens themselves though. I came to look upon the ocean. It reminded me of the simpler days when I was still in Pentos. As much as I hated my exile at the time, I now longed for such simplicity.

Living in exile in Illyrio's manse was so much easier than being essentially a prisoner of the Lannisters and kept in a large gilded cage. I was passionate and filled with fire and was on my way to falling in love. I knew nothing of the cruelties I would face in the future. The only pain I knew was missing my family and my home, but at least it was one I could overcome.

Every night I still had nightmares of what happened at The Twins. It has been called the Red Wedding, but it felt distasteful to use that title. I was there and calling it a red wedding does not show the seriousness of what happened that night. It was a slaughter perpetrated by Houses Frey and Bolton - with House Whitehill joining House Bolton midway through - on the orders of Tywin Lannister.

Flashes of everyone I loved that I saw die appeared in my dreams. Sometimes they still appeared when I shut my eyes for just a few moments. I would see Viserys, then the blood between my thighs when I lost our child, then my brother and his wife, and then my mother. I did not expect it to ever end. It was maddening.

It was even more maddening to know that I had lost my father, Bran and Rickon, and that I could not be with them in their final moments. I also had no idea what happened to Arya and now Sansa. Then there was Daenerys, who I wanted so desperately to see as a sister, but life did not go to plan. It was honestly all so crushing.

Sometimes I felt so alone in the world. It was hard to not feel like I had nobody because I had lost most of the people who meant something to me. It felt like every time I was about to get close to someone, or once I did get close, I would lose someone again.

Daemon and Lucien were really the only people I was sure I had left. There was also Oberyn, but I feared for his life in his upcoming battle, so I was not sure he was someone that I still had. Everyone else was either dead or missing.

I took a deep breath to stop myself from shaking and I blinked back the tears in my eyes. I could not be seen as weak because I was crying in the gardens. No matter how alone I think I am, no one is truly alone here. There is always someone watching or someone who will find you in your worst moments.