Everyone thinks I'm this put together young actress but deep down my demons are winning against my soldiers.
Even my brain can't fight them. I lay awake at night thinking about things that will never happen. I'm just another person in this world. I have emotions as well.
It's been a couple of days sense I spent that night with Jake. He had to go back to the states because of a siblings birthday. He invited me but I turned him down.
When he left I answered one call from him the others go to voicemail. Texts go unread. He texts like every hour wanting to know if it was him.
At the moment I was curled up on my bed at four in the mourning. I just got back from a run. I took a shower and got dressed in a big button up shirt. I started crying and I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried to stop them. I just payed there silently crying as tears fall'd over the bridge of my nose and mixed with the other tears on the pillow.
I just felt like a failure. That everything I did wasn't enough for anyone.
"There you are." Someone whispered in the dark. I didn't even bother to turn around to see who it was. "Your mother said you hadn't talked to her in a few days and nobody has seen or heard from you." It was my dad.
"What are you doing here and how did you get in?" My voice raspy. He sighed and sat on the bed kicking his shoes off and laying down next to me.
"Easy. I pried a window open and came in like batman." He chuckled. I did t though. "No the back door was open." I took a deep breath.
"You didn't answer my first question." He sighed again.
"I was worried about you. Now that I see your crying and have rarely left your house I guess something up." I opened my eyes and rolled over and hugged him. Just laid there and silently let my tears make a puddle on his shirt. He wrapped his arms around me tight making me feel safe like I used to when he would hold me if I was crying.
"Ya I guess." I whispered.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked racking a hand over my back.
"I can't have kids with the guy I like. Even though I never wanted kids of my own I want to have them because I know it would make him happy to see that he had something made of him. It would make me happy to be able to say that they were our kids." I explained. There was a Short silence.
"Why don't you marry this guy?" He whispered. I shrugged against him.
"Because I can't have kids. It's impossible." I whispered back. My tears were drying a little.
"Is it because your afraid of having kids or that he can't make any?" I sighed knowing I had to tell him the truth.
"No. I had ovary egg cancer and the only solution with out getting sick was to take them out. Along with my whole reproduction system." I explained feeling fresh tears sting my eyes. The feeling overwhelming.
"I know I just wanted you to tell me." He kissed the top of my head.
"Lana told you didn't she?" I asked.
"No Adam and Eddy did. They thought that me being your father I deserved to know. I was going to ask you about it but then I decided that I'd rather let you tell me when you were ready." I closed my eyes taking in deep breaths.
"Runs at two am are harsh. I knew you were a runner but two am?" I chuckled against him.
"Now that is not my fault. My body wakes up at two so I go on a run come back take a shower and go back to bed." I explained sitting up.
"Your mother wants to see you." I looked at him confused.
"Lana? Why didn't she just come with you?" He gave me a weak smile.
"No your mother mother. She wants to see you. She's in Vancouver for the weekend and wants all her kids in one place." I scoffed.
"You think I'm going to go talk to that bitch?" He rolled his eyes.
"I knew you were going to say that." My door opened and she walked in with a small nervous smile.
"What the hell?" I whispered. He got up and kissed my four head before walking to the door. He whispered something to her before leaving us with the door cracked open.
"What do you want?" I growled. She sighed and sat on the chair at my vanity.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry." She looked from her hands to me. I looked at her with pure hatred.
"How can you sit there and act like nothing happened? You knew what happened and did nothing. I kept my mouth shut. And when you found me kissing a girl because Patrick told you what I was doing you kicked me out. And now that I have my career up and running you come find me? No I don't think so. Do you want to know what I've been through?" I growled. She had tears of her own running down her face.
"I'm sorry for not believing you. I'm sorry." She whispered.
"I was beat by your boyfriend and you didn't care. You said I was a liar and pathetic." I paused to calm my rage. "I had cancer that has now made it impossible for me to have kids. I now have a mother that cares about me more than the one that gave birth to me. I can't even look at you and not feel the way I did back then. It hurst to much." I cried.
"I-I didn't think-" I held my hand up.
"I don't care what you thought nor do I now. So if you will leave my house and never talk to me again that would be lovely other wise I'm going to have you removed my police." I threatened. She nodded and stood she walked to the door but paused.
"I love you Emilee even if you don't believe me." I scoffed.
"Why should I believe you if you didn't believe me? Your daughter over your trash of a now ex boyfriend?" Her breath hitched but she left the room.
When she was gone and the front door slammed shut I got out of bed and dressed for the day. There was no way I was going to sleep now.
I pulled on a pair of jeans and cowgirl boots. I pulled on a black t shirt and grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone. I walked out of my room to see my dad in the hall.
"I'm leaving show your self out when you want but I'm leaving." He nodded and followed me to my truck. I got in and watched as he went to his car. He waited till I drove off to leave.
I drove to the stables and went to a buck skin. Her name was Brandy.
I grabbed the halter and clipped it to the lead rope and placed it around her face. I opened the door and walked her out. I looked at my phone to see that it was now six in the mourning. I saddled her and replaced the halter with the bridle.
When she was ready I placed my left foot in the sturr-up and swung my right over and fixed myself in the seat. When I was ready I kicked and walked to the door. When I got out the sun was barely coming up. I took a deep breath before kicking her into a run. I ran down the trail and into the woods.
I'm free.
