philophobia | j.hoseok

1

i felt the warm sunlight touch my cheek as i laid in bed. it wasn't until such minutes later, i forced my eyes to open. the curtains on the window flowed around lightly since the windowsill was open, letting the light breeze flow in, which would explain why it also felt chilly in here. pushing myself out of bed, i grabbed the blanket and folded it neatly on top of my mattress before going out to the kitchen.

i lived alone. at the age of 18, i left home to be on my own. one of the reasons was that i could not stand the fact of living in a divided household. my mother and father? they got a divorce just a few months i left the house, leaving my younger sister in my mother's care. ever since then, i haven't gone back to visit either my mother or father.

it was at that moment, the memories of my younger years flooded my head, remembering all the times my mother and father would argue constantly. and sometimes the arguments would turn physical. it scared my sister and i. even now, i could still remember the nights where my younger sister would cry to bed as i would hear the stiff cries coming from mom. those memories haunted me ever since. from then on, i promised myself i would make the same choice of falling in love. because of my mother, i only got a taste of what a close love relationship would do to you in the end. pain and suffering.

i was 25 now, living alone in a small one-story house for my likings. my mother would call to check up on me here-and-there, but that was all. i never heard from my father ever since i left, but i guess it was better that way. with just pure luck, i wasn't all surprised when my mother called me that morning. i had just finished cooking me some oatmeal, so i poured some in a bowl after pressing the call button.

a voice spoke up on the other side of the line as i brought my boal of oatmeal to the living room couch. "hello? haesoo-ah?"

"yes, mom?" i asked as i sat on the couch. "it's been a while i haven't heard your voice. how are you? are you doing okay?"

"it's only been a month since you last called.. and yes, i'm fine."
"that's good to hear. your sister misses you. she wants to visit."

a lump formed in my throat. "how is she?" was all i asked. "she's doing better now. she's almost finished with school."

"that's good."
"do you know she has a boyfriend now?"

i choked on my oatmeal. "what? and you're letting her?"

"well, she's growing into a young lady now. i think she's at the point where she can make her own decisions," my mother said. "yeah, but is she ready to get married? if she isn't, then i guess she shouldn't be dating," i said to her.

"and what about you sweetie? have you ever thought of getting married soon? you're 25 now."
"no.. i'm not going to marry. i'm not looking for that at all. never in my entire life would i actually find myself dating or getting married," i spat out rudely just slightly. over the phone, i hear my mother give a sigh.

"how long will you continue to put up with this fear of your's?"

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>:3 it's 12:26am right now. lol, i should be sleeping but im busy typing out this first chapter. and now i have!