The Outsiders: I've Made Mistakes

Chapter Four

Dally, he may not have been a real great role model but he was on hell of a friend. He didn't give two hoots about the law or if he broke it, he just had fun. He could turn from getting in trouble to getting away with it while pulling jokes. He was a jokester but he was a fighter. You just didn't mess with Dally. I thought nothing in this world could bring him down or melt that smile off his face. But there's always something to tare you down. Always. No matter how much of a badass you are, no matter how many times you go to the gym, no matter how much you can lift. You can get a trainer to help you get stronger physcailly, but nothing can prepare you for emotional pain. Nothing can, no amount of work, no amount of preparation, nothing can prepare you. But I didn't think even that could take down Dally. I figured it out when after Johnny died, Dally wasn't the same. Like I said he began drinking out of control, Dally once told me when he was in a break down (he came to me) 'you know kid, alcohol is like steroids for your mind. You think it makes you stronger but in realtily it only makes you weaker. People drink to forget, but they only think about what they try to forget, like I said it never works. It only makes it worse. But your mind just tells you other wise.You can only drown so much in alcohol' he told me. At the time I thought he was saying something just to say something but that now has meaning.

I held that paper close to me, I wish they were still alive, I wish those Socs didn't have to ruin everything we thought was good. I prayed that this would be the only thing that would destroy me and my family but I was wrong... I was so wrong.

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- Two weeks later -

Darry let me skip a few days of school till I was healed properly. Today would be the first day of me heading to school after both deaths. I kicked rocks in my path as my head hung low. I walked alone because all the other greasers didn't go to school unlike me. I was the only one in my gang to go. I could see the campus only yards away, happy laughing teens were every where. I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. I just walked past the teens and waited for the bell to ring. It rang right as my foot hit the steps. I continued to walk as others ran inside. I walked in the hallways, my mind was cloudy and I couldn't feel emotions right now. I looked up and 20 yards away was Bob, Randy and others Socs by the lockers. (They were waiting for trial) that's the last thing I want to do. Walk past killers. I put my hand on my pocket with my switch blade in it. I only prayed they didn't see me. But they did.

Bob looked directly at me, then he tapped Randy's shoulder and whispered something to him. Probably telling him that I was coming. I knew that because Randy looked back at me. Then grinned. Once I was arm length from them I could see out of the corner of my eye, Bobs arm coming to shove me. He pushed on my shoulder but I had my blade out. I could feel hot tears in my eyes. "Haven't you done enough?! I lost two people because for you Asshole!" I yelled..it went quiet... I just stromed off to my class leaving that basterd speechless. I didn't want to hear him speak again or I might cut his throat out.

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Its been at least two months since the deaths of two very close friends. Us, hell, we'll never be the same, we haven't. I even called Johnny and Dallys name before, forgetting they were dead. I've been wearing my jacket more often, as in every single day. I finished wrapping my bloody forearm as pain stained my face. I never told Soda what I've been doing, nor Darry. I can't find strength to do it. I haven't really found strength to do anything. One night Soda asked me what it was so I had to lie and tell him it was a dog bite or something.
Sometimes at night, I remember those days. Both of them. I only could think 'what could I have done to prevent it?' I don't know why, but I just want to take those days back and have my friends back. With Johnny's Attack, I could've told him to run and don't look back and we would be safe in my house. But I didn't... with Dallys suicide I could've told Dally to stay with us for the night and not take no for an answer. But I didn't... and I can't change that. Its too late for that.

I pushed my sleeve down hiding it. I walked out of the room seeing the gang out in the living room. They have been trying to move on, but I just couldn't see a reason to move on. I couldn't. Thats why I had to take my saddness and pit it somewhere so I can at least try to forget it. "Hey Ponyboy." Two bit says. He must've been in a good mood since his tone of voice he had. "Hey two-bit..." I say, not even trying to hide the fact I'm sad. "Pony? You okay?" Darry said, pushing his newspaper down. "I'm fine. Perfect." I say, pushing my fake happiness in my voice. I turned on the sink and washed the blood on my blade.

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I climbed in to bed, all I wanted to do was sleep. I heard Soda come in as I pulled the covers over me. I heard a soft sigh then he laid beside me. He was sitting up when he said "Pony? How long are you gonna keep the wrap on?" I bit my lip. "Uh... Im not sure." I say. "Its been at least a few weeks." He says, "so?" "I just don't think you we're bit. Pony, just be honest with me. I'm just worried." He says, I didn't know what to do. Lie again or tell the truth. Then again he might tell Darry and Darry would probably flip if he learned I was cutting myself. I sat up, looking over at Soda. Worry filled his eyes, you can only hide so much for so long with Soda. I just shook my head. "No what?" "I-its not a bite. It never w-was." I managed to say. "Pony? What was it?" It was like he knew what I was trying to tell him but just didn't want to believe it. I took a deep breath. I couldn't find the words to tell my dear brother so I grabbed my blade and just showed him the red tint on it. He held the blade in his hands in a mix of shock, horror, fear and, Sadness. "Are you cut- cutting yourself?.." he said looking up at me. I just nodded. "Oh Pony-" "don't tell Darry! He'll flip out please." I pleaded. "Ponyboy. How long have you done this?" He asked, ignoring my statement. "After Dally died." I say looking down. He hugged me, held me closely. "Pony don't do this. I can't take another funeral." He says, "just don't tell Darry." I say, hoping he wouldn't blow it off. He sighed. "Pony he'll find out one way or another. Sooner or later he will." Soda told me. I knew that. I just didn't want to tell him now. I don't know what he'll do about it either. I'm just scared. "Why are you doing this?" He said as I turned away tucking my legs to my chest. "Pony? Why?" He asked. I couldn't find a way around this, I didn't want to say anything but Soda's known to not give up. "Everything's just happening too fast is all." I say, sobbing as well. "Two people ripped out of my life that I cared and loved! They died in less than two months! I can't just take that like no big deal like the rest of y'all!" I raised my voice. I didn't mean too really. I just wanted it all over. "You think the rest of us haven't had our griefs over this?!" Soda said loudly back. "You weren't there Soda! You weren't there when Johnny was murdered! I could've done something and he would still be alive!" I cried out. "What happened happened! We all wish we could've done something to stop this but we couldn't have!" He says. "If it wasn't for my weakness both Johnny and Dally would be alive but I didn't save either of them! I could've!" We were yelling at this point.We got lucky that Darry wouldn't be home for anthor hour. "We all could've done something but we didn't know what the future held! We can't know what happens next okay? I do-... *sigh* I don't want to see you in a casket pony. I don't. I can't." He says. Tears were in his eyes. "Life always has it Downs. We can't escape it. But it has it's ups too. We just have to get it back. I know it seems like we'll never recover from this Pony. But I know we can. I know we can. I know we will." He says, I looked up at him. "You remember when Mom and Dad died? We thought it was the end. We thought that everything had gone straight to hell but we found a way to build strength again. Thats what we need to do now." He says, holding me close. "You think I can?" I say, I personally don't think I could ever heal from this.