The Outsiders: I've Made Mistakes

Chapter Eighteen

Its been a whole week since the accident me and Steve had. Its been outrageously hard to keep my secret from Darry, he's always consured about my stomach pains which I just lie and say it's just upset. He's been buying it so I just hope it can last a long time before he'll ever learn. Steve has been taking me to the DX with him since he needs someone just to watch the register for him since Soda was gone. I didn't mind but it was probably a bad choice on his part. I'm not the friendliest to people like Soda was. I'm not at all as nice as I used to be, I'm just mean to people I don't know.

Like yesterday a girl came in with her Soc boyfriend, she was gonna ask me something when her boyfriend started to tease me about being a greaser you know normal stuff they still did. "Got enough hair grease, greaser?" He said. I slammed my feet down from the counter, and stared him in the eye. "Got enough money, Soc?" I replied. The girl got close to her boyfriend. "Don't get smart with me or I'll jump ya" he said acting all tough like he was better than me. It was probably true but I wasn't in the mood of anything from him. "Don't get smart with me or I'll blade you." I say whipping out my blade and holding it in his direction. His whole additude changed, "I'm not taking any bullshit today buddy." I say. His eyes got wide as he threw some money on the counter and ran out. I grabbed the money and put it in the register and put my switch blade back. I really didn't take any kind of crap yesterday. Im never in the mood when it comes to Socs. They thought they had my number down. Well they should've thought about what it would do to us before they went and kill my friends. Bunch of assholes.

I never told Steve though. He will probably learn through camera footage. Oh well.

Me and Steve were walking home just talking about something. "Who do you miss the most?" I asked out of the blue. He looked at me, my hands stuffed in my pocket. "Who do I miss the most? Out of the gang?" He said. I nodded, "yeah" he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck then left his hand on his neck. I could tell he was trying really hard not to think about them. "Uh. Man, I miss Soda a lot. Its so different with out my best friend bugging me at work." He says, he chuckling sadly as his head went down. He dropped his hand. "What bout you?" He said. I wasn't expecting him to ask me that. I really wasn't, I thought it would've just been awkward. "Oh. Yeah. I miss Johnny. I know I've been saying it so much that it's just words, has no meaning, and is getting annoying but if I saved Johnny, no one would've been dead." I say. He sighed, "Kid, you gotta stop puttin' the blame on yourself. Its not your falut." Steve tells me. "Two-bit told me it was my falut." I mumble. "Hey Two-bit anit here now is he? He can't tell you what to think anymore. You gotta believe me. Hell you might've been able to save Johnny but you didn't and there's nothing we can change about that." He says, leaving towards his house. I didn't stop him, I just stood there. I felt like I was stuck. Frozen. I just tried to understand what he had told me. "You didn't." Is all that was stuck in my head.
"Nothing we can change about it..." the last part was right. Nothing to change it but why would he tell me that? What was Steve tryna say? Or am I just over thinking everything now.

I rubbed my head, I did have a headache from all the liquor I had been drinking lately. I really think I'm becoming a alcoholic . All I do nowadays is drink, smoke, or you know when it's gets to those nights I also cut. I'm becoming Dallas before he died. A Depressed alcoholic. I was swaying lightly, I was only tipsy at this point. I didn't want to get totally drunk because I know how much Darry hates it when I'm like that. But some nights I just can't stop myself. I pulled out a cancer stick and lit it. I took a long drag and blew a light gray cloud. I took a drink from my drink as I walked towards my house. I shook my head, I don't know what Steve was tryna to do me. He tells me it's not my fault then twists his words and tells me it's all my falut. Its all too confusing.

I stepped on my porch and walked inside my house. Darry wasn't home, like always, so I just wondered off to my room. I walked in the dark looming room as I saw Johnny sitting on my desk, swinging his feet until he saw me. "Hey pony." He says in a hurt hush voice. "Hey... Johnny..." I only said it like that because he never comes around any more. Not like he used to. He looked hurt, more than he did, he looks more beat than ever and his neck had more pormted bruises. "What the-" I say. He had his ghostly tears in his eyes. He looked broken. I didn't know a ghost could do that as much as he did. "I'm sorry Pony. This is all my falut. I shouldn't have let this happen to you." He says. I looked at him but he wasn't looking back at me. "Johnny? What the hell?" I say to him but he just stares at the ground. "You probably already know but we miss you. A lot. We want you back. But I know it might not be any time soon." He says as his quiet voice broke from tears. "Johnny! I'm right here!" I say. He doesn't move at all. He wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he looks up than back down. "If it's time. Its time. You don't have to fight anymore. We're by your side." He says, crying in his voice as he did. He gets up and walks past me like I'm not there and disappears in the hall. I stood there, confused past my limt. Was Johnny telling me to kill myself already? I furrowed my eye brows. What was Johnny trying to day to me? He was telling me to die and join him, wasn't he? I just shook my head in disbelief. I needed sleep probably. I laid in my bed and dozed off to a light sleep.