The Outsiders: I've Made Mistakes

Chapter Twenty-one

*Night time*

I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I had at least someone left. I wish I had just one, just one, person left. But, I didn't. The house seemed so ghostly with out someone other than me in here. It only felt like this after Mom and Dad died, though, I wasn't alone but it felt like this. I hate it. I hate everything I stand for at the moment. I sat in my bed, darkness swarming me. The only hint of dull light I had was the not-so-bright moon.

"Hey Ponyboy..." Johnny's voice said. Oh no.. "Johnny. Hey..." I say sadly. "Its lonely here anit it?" He says. "Yeah... I'm all alone. I've lost everything. Lost everyone." I say, I look at him. He looked more like how Two-bit saw Soda. He looked more alive. "I know. They're here. I'm so sorry Ponyboy. I can't imagine what this feels like." He says His eyes trailing down. "I can tell you, it really sucks. I never been this lonely..." I say. I felt a cold tear roll down my cheek. "You'll see them again." He says, I looked up to his eyes. I noticed a cut on his head had a slow trail of blood that was trickling down his cheek. I could see patchs of his face going purple and the prints on his neck got darker. 'What- ' I thought. "Sleep now Ponyboy. I want to be able to visit tomorrow." He days. I nodded at my sudden urge of sleep. I closed my eyes. I heard him whisper "can't believe I'm doing this." He says. "Doing what-" he placed his lips on my cheek. I just froze. I froze cause it felt real and he just kissed me but... "Night Pony." He says as he walked out. I just touched my cheek, I processed what had just happened. I had to keep telling myself that he's a ghost, it wasn't real but... I'm still thrown for a loop.

Morning~

I woke up late, holding my pillow close as my cheeks were hot and stained with tears. My mind still floated with what occurred yesterday and last night. I weakly push the covers off me and stumbled out of my room. I yawned even though I wasn't tried, nearly at all. I barely slept least night. I walked into the living room, heading to the kitchen. But when I walked past the living room, something caught my eye. I looked over and saw everyone. The whole gang. They looked alive but they looked exactly how they looked before they died. My eyes widened and my breathing picked up. I saw Johnny, the spots on his face I saw last night was deeper burises and blood, he had blood shot eyes. That's the first time I noticed that, he had a rust color along his collar and spattered on his jacket. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. Next to him was Dallas.

Dallas was up against the wall like how he used to. But he was drenched. Totally soaked and he had rocks poking out of his pocket. His skin was pale, or at least more than the others. I hurt my aching heart when I saw him.

Sitting on the couch by Dally was Soda. He had a single gunshot wound to his forehead that had a crimson line down his face from the hole. The trail went down and on the side of his nose, over the corner of his lips, then drips off his chin. His once laughing brown eyes were just dead. No happiness laid in them. I wanted to scream in pain but a had a knot in my thoart.

Right beside him was Two-bit, that- just seeing him- made it feel like needles in my heart. He was holding the pill bottle that haunted me with that blood coming out of his mouth. I hit the wall behind me, I was terrified.

Next to him was Steve. Oh God, he was the most gruesome one of all. He had a dark wide line across his throat that had major amount of blood that gushed out of his throat, down his neck, and onto his dark gray shirt that's stained red. He had that same helpless look on his face that was splattered in blood. His looked as if the cut had just happened, he didn't look dead, he looked like he was in unimaginable pain.

Then Darry... Stab wounds all over his chest. Several that covered his blue shirt That was swelled with purple. The wounds we're still bleeding, it make me nearly sick. He had a black eye as well.

I covered my eyes, telling myself it's not real but they looked so real. "This all could've been avoided..." Dallas' voice said in a meer mock. "All you had to was run... Just run." Soda say. I finally looked at them through my blurry vision. "I know! I know I could've ran! " I cried. I wished they stop talking. It hurt enough to just see them. "But you didn't! " Two-bit says standing up. I felt like they we're hanging up on me. "Because you didn't make a run for it, you killed us all." Darry says. They all began closing in painfully slowly. "I could've made it if I followed my gut and ran. But you told me otherwise." Johnny says. He wasn't the same, none of them were. Johnny wasn't the Johnny I saw. "Because of you- we're all dead." Soda says. I gripped my hair as I slid down the wall. "And it's all your fault. " they said at the same time. "They killed me because you didn't tell me to run." Johnny says. "I committed suicide because of Johnny's death." Dally says, crossing his arms. "They shot me because Johnny and Dallys death." Soda says. "Make it stop please! " I said in my head. "I committed suicide because I saw Sodas death and gone insane." Two-bit states in a thats-also-your-fault tone. I was gonna explode from all this guilt, saddnes and pain I feel. "We were killed because they wanted revenge on you." Steve and Darry say. I was a total mess by now. I kept saying I'm sorry over and over till I forgot what it ment. "When you break it down." Dally says.
"It's all your falut. You get the satisfaction of knowing you killed us all for the rest of your life." Johnny says. I closed my eyes as I screamed but all it was, was a tight quiet strain.

I closed my eyes tight and it all went quiet. I opened them and they were gone. I panted in severe stress. I know I can't take anymore of this. I raced to my feet and stumbled up into Darrys room. I remembered he had a heater in one of his drawers that he had but would never use. I ran in, bumping into just about everything, knocking down vases and lamps. I grabbed the drawer and ripped it out, I set the drawer on the bed as I threw the shirt out. Then I saw the guns handle. It was a 9mm pistol. I checked if it was loaded and sure enough the clip was fully load. I ran into my room with the heater in hand. I had tears streaming down my face, I didn't try to stop. I finally understood... I really had caused all of their deaths. It was my fault. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and sat and wrote my final note. I wrote the last thing anyone would ever hear from me. I began to write my suicide note...

To: Probably the police. That's the only ones who would read this...
I know, you probably thought it was a murder or something like that. But no. I'm trapped inside this living hell I can't run from no longer.
You probably don't know this, you maybe do. But, everyone I love it dead. My parents, my brothers, my friends.
All gone.
I cause it. (Not my parents but all the others) if that night when Johnny was murdered if I would've ran none of this would be happening.
But I didn't.
They're all gone because of it.
I can't live with that. I won't.
So this is my goodbye to this world. Because I can't live with this weight on my shoulders.
Besides,
I'm next in line.

-Fourteen year old, Ponyboy Curtis.

I pinned the note on the wall next to crime scene photos from Steve and Darrys murder were. I stepped back, looking at each thing I had. As I looked at them a collusion of the flashbacks of all the deaths erupted in my mind. I closed my eyes and brought the gun up to the side of my head. I felt it touch my head as I opened my eyes.

"I'm sorry guys... " I say, Then clinched the trigger.