The Outsiders: I've Made Mistakes

Chapter Seventeen

Nightmares...
The thing that children fear and adults as well. Children always fear about the monster in their closet that could come and kill them.
Their parents can say they went away and the child would believe them...
But what if the monster is the air you breathe, the ground you walk on.
What if it's the life you live?
How do you make that disappear?
How do you just make it go away?
The answer is...
It doesn't.
It never will...
You can wake up from nightmare but you can't escape reality as it is.

I wrote on a piece of paper, I pulled it out of my notebook and pinned it on the wall. Tears continued to rolled down my wet cheeks. I turned off my lamp on my desk, looking up at the note. I slammed my head down on my arms, crying hard. I wanted to cut myself... I wanted to. I caused his death. I needed to. I wanted to drink. I wanted to forget. I needed to. I bit my lip trying to stop the tears in my eyes. But I just couldnt. I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to, like cut myself because I have Darry always checking on me. But at the moment, I don't give a damn. I pulled my head up, my eyes red and puffy. I reached over for my blade and flicked it open. I wanted to die, I really did. I caused Two-bit to commit suicide, not Darry, not Steve, not even himself. Me. I did. I even said in the note. It said I was the whole reason he pushed through it. Its impossible to just go on with that always pulling me. I can't move on. My brain wouldn't let me.

Its all my falut. Just one accident costed a dear friends life, and it's all my falut. I got bored of cutting my wrist. It didn't make me feel the way I want to. I pulled my shirt up, exposing my stomach. I placed the blade towards my side, pushing down as I drug it across. I gripped my shirt and bit my lip in utter pain. This is what I wanted. Though I needed to stay alive for Darrys sake so I couldn't push all the way through like my mind keeps telling me to. I painted more crimson cuts with my blade, not even caring if Darry was standing in the door way. He may not be. I don't care, I just need to put this pain somewhere. I tried so hard not to scream out in pain, but I just kept going. I kept cutting till I could feel like someone just cut out my stomach. The once shiney metal blade is forever stained red. I set the blade on the table and looked down.

Red.

Red lines everywhere.

I had lines crossing over one another as more tears streamed down my face. A few feel into my cuts. I couldn't even move to my bed, so I just slid down to the ground. My hands splattered with blood as it trickled down my wrist. I laid back, closing my eyes softly as tears leaked through. I could feel the cold going blood slowly dragging down my side from all the cuts. I felt like I was dieing. I wanted to die but my mind and Darry wouldn't let me go through with it. I wanted to escape the world I was living in but I did want to end up like Dal and Two.

It wasn't my fault for Two-bit. No, it was my fault for each and every death. I could've told Johnny to run and we would've made it, then if I did Dally wouldn't have fell into a deep depression and killed himself, then the Socs wouldn't have the cockyness to shoot Soda, and Two-bit wouldn't have lost his mind from that and he wouldn't have hurt me which led him to commit suicide. Its all me. All my fault. I pounded my fist on the ground in anger and sadness. I then heard my door open. At this point I didn't care who it was.

"Ponyboy? What the hell?" It wasn't Darrys voice at all. I opened my eyes to see Steve walking to my side. Once he got closer he saw my stomach. His eyes went wide. "Oh my God! Ponyboy what did you do!" He says loudly but not to loud. Like he gives a damn about me. He never liked me in the first place, why all of a sudden is he gonna care about me now. I groaned in irreation. "What do you want?" I say, sitting up as pain was stabbing my stomach. "Ponyboy? What is this?" He says eyes still on my stomach, "I cut my stomach what does it look like?!" I say, I don't know why I was getting so angery with him, I just was. "Ponyboy, why are you doing this to yourself?" He said in a soft voice. "Why to you care? You never cared about me, nor even fucking liked me." I say, he didn't say nothing. He looked shocked. "Reason why? You want to know why aye? Oh maybe because all this deaths were my falut!" I yell, standing up while holding my stomach. "It wasn't your falut." He says trying to calm me down. "You want me to give you my list of reasons it's my falut! Because I sure can!" I yell again. I didn't give him the chance to answer. "Its my falut Johnny died because I didn't tell him to run! Because of that Dally killed himself because I didn't save Johnny! Then the Socs thought it was just so fucking fun that they'll do it again to Soda! That made Two-bit break and then he killed himself! How would you like that always haunting you?!" I was crying at this point. I was upset, I really was. "Ponyboy just breathe, calm down please." He says, he was trying so hard to calm me down. I took a deep breath, which made me stomach hurt. I turned away from him, I looked back at him. "What did Darry send you or something?" I say, clearly still upset. "No actually. I came to see who you were doing. You not doing too well. And I came because I felt bad for you." He says, I turned back to him. "So you came to pity me." I say more as a statement than a question. He sighed in frustration, trust me I could tell he was trying to hide it. "No, I came tell you you're not alone." He says. I didn't believe him. Not even a little. I narrowed my eyes, "huh, is that so. Why don't you make your friend die for once then talk to me." I growl. Steve he never liked me, he thought I was a drag and always had something to complain about. I'm not a drag, Soda used to ask me to come along! Thats why I never liked him. He hated me for no reason. Thats why I'm being like this towards him

"Pony it wasn't your falut already! Why won't you listen to me!" He says clearly getting furstated with my stubbornness but I was right and he won't change my mind. "Because I know it's true!" I say. I felt bad for some reason, my mind was tossing my emostions. I was sad, anger and know sad again then I'm crying because I feel bad. Ugh I hate my mind so much.

I looked up at him. I know he was just trying to help me but just mind my thought other wise. "I know I never liked you, I get it. But with almost all of us gone I can't stand alone anymore. There's only three of us, you see that right? I can't do this alone anymore." He says, my eyes got watery. "I'm sorry." I whispered through tears as I ran up and hugged him by surprise. I finally realised he was right, there was only three of us left, I would have to let the past go and start over with Steve. "I'm sorry. Its what happens when I'm like this." I say, I let go of him, I noticed he had some blood on his shirt now. Whoops. "I get it. Just please don't blow me off anymore." He says, his hand on my shoulder. I nodded as I wiped a tear away. "Don't tell Darry please. Please don't tell him." I plead. "I'm gonna have to at some point." He says, "just not soon. I don't want him to do anything to me." I say, Steve nodded. "Lets get you patched up." He says, I smiled weakly as I followed Steve to the bathroom where he cleaned my wounds and wrapped my stomach. "Thank you." I say, "I'm sorry for everything I said back there. I was out of control I will admit it." I say, "don't stress about it. I understand." He says.

I really think me and Steve can start off new again and have it last a long time. Or I hoped it would last.