The Outsiders: I've Made Mistakes

Chapter Thriteen

I stoped dead in my tracks. 'Oh he didn't just fucking say that'. No one was gonna talk about Johnny or me like that. I just fucking lost it. I know he wasn't himself but I can't control my rage. I spun around to face him I ran up and swung the bottle at his face hearing it break in contact. Glass shards and beer were on the ground. Two-bit was on the ground as I threw the remaining bottle in my hands on the ground. I was beyond pissed off. I grabbed the other bottle as left him. I left him in the same pain I was in. Him only physically, mine mentally. I can't believe Two-bit would bring up Johnny in our argument, I know I called him insane but he already knew. But I was still battling in my own mind trying to tell myself there really was no way I could've saved him. Now, I could only think how that really was my falut and I didn't save him. "Thanks Two-bitch." I growled as I opened the liquor bottle throwing the cap at the ground angerly.

I felt no smypathy for him. I've never done that before I mean using a pop bottle to any one, nor Socs let alone any Greasers. I was just walking back to my house, taking gulps of alcohol as well. Soon to know I was in tears. Maybe if I was stronger I could've saved Johnny then if I did Dally would still be here and the Socs wouldn't have the cockyness to shoot Soda. They would all be here if I just ran with lil Johnny and ran inside so Darry and Soda could help us defend ourselfs. I was one drunk emotional mess. It was like I couldn't remember any of the good mermories just the bad ones. Like when we found Johnny half beat to death which scarred him for life, or when Johnny ran inside our pleading for help. that day he was hurt and scared not crying but just scared. And the time I was at the park by myself when I heard Johnny calling my name as he ran to me. At the time I new something was wrong-horribly wrong- he was crying. It took a lot to make Johnny cry. I stood up asking him what happened and he ran into my arms as he tried so hard to stop crying. He told me that Dallas hit him, Dally was drunk at the time, I told him I'll make sure Dally would never hit him again. Like I said just bad memories no good ones. It was tearing me apart. I downed the rest of the bottle and tossed it to my side. My head was pound, my eyes were watery and my cheeks were stained with tears. I wanted to go home, But anger I felt just wouldn't go away. I had to put it somewhere. I walked inside my house trying to stay quiet I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife I saw from the moonlight and went into my room. I sat on my bed by my nightstand and sat there for a minute. I raised the knife and slammed the blade on the wood making it stand up. I laid down and tried to sleep through my alcohol anger.

I woke the next morning with a huge headache and no memory of what happened last night. "Ugh, what?" I say to my self asking what happened last night. All could remember was after I grabbed the bottles I went outside and it's a big fuzz after that. I saw on the nightstand and knife literally in the stand standing up ward. "Okay...." something bad must've happened last night. I just couldn't remeber what.

I walked out into the living room seeing Steve, Darry, and Two-bit. Steve was wrapping Two-bits wrist and Two-bit had his head wrapped as well and little cuts all over the left side his face. 'Who the hell did he piss off?' I thought. Darry was handing Two-bit some pain meds when they saw me. "Hey Ponyboy. You sleep good enough?" Darry joked. "Yeah you could say that." I chuckled. I was rubbing my head, "hey can I have some of those meds?" I asked. Darry nodded placing two of them in my hands. "Thanks." I say heading to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass as I headed to the sink and filled the glass enough. I placed the pills in my mouth and added water hoping it would make this headache go away. I walked back to the living room where everyone was. I heard Darry ask what happened to Two-bit and I was peeking around the corner, listening. Two-bit took a deep breath. "Well, uh..." it sounded like Two-bit was hesitating. He sighed in defeat. "I was sitting on a curb all by my self when, *breaths out* when I heard Ponyboy calling my name..." what the hell? I didn't do that. "I could tell he-he had been uh, drinking a little when he came and sat next to me. He had a broken look to him. He was telling me he's not the only one suffering then he told me about Johnny." My heart broke. I didn't want anyone to know about me seeing Johnny. "He told me how he can see Johnny like the last time he ever saw him all beat up and all." Man what all did I say when I was drunk? "Then he asked me If ive ever taken them to see they're own grave. I was shocked when he said that. Really." I mentally face palmed myself. Again I didn't want anyone to know. "By then I could tell my meds were wearing off. I guess he got a little hot and took off his jacket and wrapped it around his waist." Oh I'm the biggest idiot ever. "I saw the scars on his wrist and for some reason I just lost it. I started to yell at him and just losing my mind. Then he started to yell back and I broke a beer bottle and put it up to my wrist, I was taunting him as I slit my own skin, I know I said something about he does it for attention." I was just listening at this point. "He started to yell back and he began to storm away. He yelled I think 'at least I didn't go insane' or something and I don't know what I was thinking but I yelled 'at least I tried to save Johnny!' Then next think I know he runs up and hits me upside the head with a bottle full of beer that broke and he just walked away." I gasped at my own actions. I didn't think I had the strength to do that. "I regret that night. I do." He says. By this point I was standing out in the open. Now that I think about it, he deserved being hit in the head with a bottle.

I didn't want to face Darry about me drinking for the first time and me being way under age too. I wasn't ready for his reaction. But now? There's no escape. I can't run to anyone, I can't run to anywhere. I was trapped.