TW: MENTAL ILLNESS TOPICS ARE PRESENT.
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Five years in the view of a life span is little to sacrifice so my teeth find their way back into the indents molded into my raw bottom lip because that is a better grip on reality than what my hands can grasp
My hands will grasp for anything destructive they can hold onto but i'm not falling back down there, i won't go back because you only get one second chance don't waste it
All i need to do is give this time to fade again, i know this is only temporary and that the low points will always be the hardest to encounter but what if i grow tired of riding roller-coasters every morning to see if i can find a reason to keep my lungs breathing,
My heart beating is the only thing i can hear besides the constant worrying of not being what is required of me in every little aspect of this life but i know that these thoughts were born to be manipulating enough to block out the rest of the positivity trying to spread through the crack in my windowsill, maybe that's why my drapes are always closed but i don't have the energy to open them anymore
I can barely bring myself to walk out of the door every morning though i know i have to i just can't find it in myself to care about consequences anymore because this "sadness" has drained every ounce of energy i used to possess
I shouldnt be tired when my body barely moves from this bed so what does a grade matter to me when i can't find the value in my life without guilting myself into breathing one more hour until the hours add up to weeks of dull existence that are more than just boredom
I shouldn't be sad and i shouldn't wallow in this because they say just give it time to fade, sadness always fades, we all get a little sad sometimes and five years isn't that long to be sad when you have a lifetime
So ask for help but asking for help made things worse last time nothing more came out of it than the spreading of worry at the slightest abnormal behaviors so does working for the greater good apply to mental health as well because if so i can swallow these slight struggles to save a few more worried minds from examining mine every day of their life
This is not so bad its just chemical imbalances weighing heavy once again so what need is there for worry because this is just sadness right?
And we all get a little sad sometimes, we all worry sometimes, what do you mean its not normal to worry all the time?
you're right i must be exaggerating because you can't tell when you look at me that i am in this constant state and i have no problems so how sad can i really be if you tell me 'chemical imbalance, don't give you that excuse' because everyone gets a little sad sometimes.
everyone worries sometimes.
everyone cries sometimes.
everyone gets stressed sometimes, lies about their health sometimes, wants to fucking kill themselves sometimes, it's just a fucking a phase so don't become a statistic over your so-called depression because no amount of prescription pills or blood tests or suicide prevention pamphlets will ever excuse you,
You're too young to know the meaning of depression and you don't understand anxiety, its just another trend so get your lazy ass out of bed right now otherwise they might begin to pity you yet scorn you for ever not being happy
I'll be damned before i ask for help again even if i so desperately need it because we all get a little fucking sad sometimes don't we? five fucking years is nothing right? excuse my language i think i'm just a bit sad again, i have been and it never really changed but you must understand this since you know how it feels to be sad sometimes and it's the exact same thing right?
Right, yes i think i understand this now. my bad i forgot that depression and being occasionally sad are interchangeable phrases to your preprogrammed tongue and your ears hear synonyms where they can't be found. my fucking bad i guess you must be right. i'm just a bit sad but i'll be better when i realize that my life isn't so bad and i'm just feeling sorry for myself, oh yes you know me so well please tell me again so i can tell you:
"No, don't worry. I just get a bit sad sometimes."
A/N: to be clear i didn't write this to somehow romanticize mental illness. nothing about that is romantic and if you understand what it actually fucking feels like, you know there is nothing cute or romantic about it. i wrote this because i needed to write it and not because it's 'cool' or 'cute'. don't fucking romanticize mental illness. this isn't edited and the format is terrible but i couldn't care less right now.
