(It's technically 2:30)
It's 2 a.m. - I miss you...
But that's not a new thought, is it? I know I should try sleeping but my mind is too busy shuffling through as many of our memories as I can possibly recall since the day I met you. There are tears, I'm okay with admitting that to you. I guess you could call this sadness because I'm so nostalgic over the times we laughed so hard our stomachs burned that I feel my heart beginning to break a bit.
It's 5 a.m- I wish you were here
Because my heart is racing a bit too fast and I'm so afraid that I'm not even aware that I'm gasping for air. The nightmares were getting better but lately they're worse. You've never seen me wake up from one, I'm thankful for that because I'm a fucking mess. But that doesn't stop me from wishing you were here so maybe I wouldn't be crying into these sheets. Your comfort is the only one that stops my crying, if I'm honest. He tries but his comfort could never substitute yours. He doesn't mean half as much as you do to me.
It's 1 p.m. - And that song is playing
I didn't have the heart to change it. November feels like the longest month but only 5 days in it's getting harder because I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. I see you nearly every day but now it's fleeting and my mind is telling me everything is wrong, is it really? Anxiety tells me you hate me lately, but do you? God, it's killing me because I need you but I don't want to anger you and fuck I'll just give you space to breathe because maybe that's what's best? I mean- I'm rambling. You probably don't remember why I hate November but I should still say thank you for what you did for me.
It's 6 p.m. - She isn't you.
So I don't know why I thought hanging out with her would distract me from thinking of you. I've heard the summaries to fifteen stories so far and talked about the variations of poetry formats with their best uses but I'd rather you were calling me a fucking loser because I got excited over Harry Potter again. I miss our long random conversations but I haven't done anything about it so I can't complain, can I? I never do anything lately. I not sure what I would even say and I guess I'm scared to bother you since I'm not saying anything important.
It's 2 a.m. again - I miss you even more
This song you used to like a lot is playing and I remember how you would play it a lot in my room. Pulaski at Night, you know by Andrew Bird? I forgot about it until right now when I heard it. Didn't you say it was from How I Met Your Mother or something? But it's over now and sad songs are playing and fuck I miss you. We have a lot of great memories, don't we? The only problem is that thinking about them when you aren't here with sad songs playing in the dark makes for terrible loneliness. And everyone is asleep so I can't talk to them about you. That's also why everyone used to think I was in love with you, because of the way I talked about you. My friend from dance last year had said "Damn, I want the guy I marry to talk about me the way you talk about her." We used to find it funny. But at least people stopped thinking that I love you that way expect for the occasional uneasy joke from him. He isn't uneasy anymore though. He said I had this fire in my eyes Tuesday and my hands were shaking and I was on the verge of going off on our friend mentioning the things you said on Hallowell. Maybe I was a bit too wound up but it's over now. So are the songs. Now it's just quiet and I miss talking to you in the dark and your hyper laughter over nothing. It's cheesy but I miss your smile. But I just- I miss you. And if I wasn't a stupid bitch then I'd actually do something about it. I don't remember the last time I told you I love you in person or without adding goodnight before it. That means it's probably been too long. fuck. Whatever this is, I love you. I miss you.
With Love,
The Sleepless Kid Who Calls You The Bes Friend She's Ever Had.
