Everyday Thoughts. Collection of writings and poems.

Anxiety

Beep beep beep. Wake up, that's the alarm. Oh god, what if I set the wrong time? I'll be late. Damn it.. Oh nevermind, I'm early. What if I fall asleep again? I can't. I have to go downstairs. What if it isn't today? Did I mess up the planning? Is it actually tomorrow? Or was it yesterday, and I missed it?

Incoming text: Boyfriend.
Hey baby. Are you up yet? Still hanging out today?

Why'd he say it like that? Does he actually want to hang out still, or is he dreading it? I'm probably overreacting. Yeah. He'd say if he didn't want to... Probably

Outgoing text: from me
Yes love. I'm up. I'm getting ready.

Do I look good enough? Is this okay? I think so... Ugh my acne is so bad. What if he's embarrassed to be seen with me? Oh god. I'm not good enough.. No, I'm fine. I'm attractive. I think. Maybe I'm not...

Incoming text: boyfriend
Okay. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. Let me know when you leave. I love you.

He's cute. If he's honest. He is. I think. He wouldn't lie. Probably. He makes me smile. Do I make him smile? Do I make him as happy as he makes me?

Outgoing text: from me
We're leaving now babe.

Does that sound too harsh? Maybe I should have said baby instead of babe. I should have I loved him back. Damnit

Outgoing text: from me
I love you too baby.

Okay. Better. There we go. Yes. Wait. What if I sound too desperate? We've been together so long now but I don't want to seem too clingy... He said he likes it but there's a limit. I suck with limits. I'm provably messing everything up.

Boyfriend is typing

I hate that. Why's he taking so long to type? What was he going to say? Is he regretting planning on hanging out today? Did I say or do something wrong?

Incoming text: boyfriend
(:

Oh my lord. It was a smiley face. Okay. Okay I'm fine, I didn't do anything. But what if I did and he just decided not to say anything? Ah I'm dying. I just need to do my makeup and get ready. Look as good as I can. Calm down. Relax. He loves you, you're fine.

Outgoing text: from me
:)  I'll see you soon.

Yes. That's a good response. Yes. Good. Keep a conversation, that's okay. I'm good right? Yeah I'm fine, I'm fine.

Incoming text: boyfriend
Can't wait baby. Tell me when you're close.

Can't wait? Or 'I' can't wait? There's a difference. If you say " I can't wait" it means something different then "can't wait." Right? What mood is he in? Is he happy? Did I mess up? No, it's fine. He didn't mean it in a bad way.

Outgoing text: from me
Me neither. Okay.

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Outgoing text: from me
We're here.

I'm so nervous. I've seen him 50 billion times but he still makes me feel like this. He's so special. I hope I'm as special to him as he is to me.

Boyfriend." Hai."

Hugs. Hugging. Good, yes. You can't mess up a hug. Oh. You hit the door with your hip after you backed away. Good job me. Idiot. Why'd I do that. Oh god I look stupid. I'm in pain, my hip hurts. He's laughing a bit. He's judging me. Oh my. No. Nah, it's fine. All in good fun. I'm fine.

Me." Hai, how are you?"

Boyfriend." Good, you?"

Were sitting in the car and he puts his arm around me. Instant comfort. I love that so much. I don't think he realizes that's how I perceived affection. I'm a "hands on" person. I want to tell him that. No, don't. It sounds so perverted. That's not what I mean. If he's distant I just don't feel the love as much... Got that sounds so wrong.. That's not what I mean. I'll keep my mouth shut.

Me." I'm good too. I missed you."

So much. I stress over how much I missed you. But I don't think you know that. You don't. I don't want to tell you either. What if you think I'm weird or something?

Boyfriend." Good baby. I missed you too."

Kiss. Kisses are nice. He loves me. I love him. Am I good enough? Yes. He makes it all better. He makes the intrusive thoughts better.

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