Divergent | No War

14 - Never leave me

"I won't go with you. I will wait right here and watch you go through it though." I say and squeeze his hands. He slowly nods and walks towards the room. He gets out the small black box and just wants to inject himself before he stops and hand the syringe to me. "Can you do it?" I smile a bit and nod. He leans down a bit and i press the long needle in his neck. He doesn't flinch. I quickly peck his lips. "Be brave." I whisper before he steps into the room.
Watching Tobias go through his fear landscape is hard. Everytime his face twist in shock or fear or he covers in a corner because of the small spaces my heart clenches. One time it is extremly hard. He starts pounding against an invisible wall and sinks to his knees. He sobs and cries and pounds against the wall again and again. Suddenly the wall seems to be gone because he runs towards a goal that only he can see. The scene that comes now is even harder to watch. He kneels on the floor and tears flow down his face. He cries and cries and holds something on his lab.
I want to know what he fears that much. Maybe i'll never find out.

After about ten minutes he dives out of the simulation. I already stand in the doorway and as soon as he sees me he wraps me into his arms. He holds me tight to him and kisses my head and my face again and again. "Thank god you are here." He mumbles and presses me towards him again. "I am fine. I am okay. I love you." I answer and hold him as tight. "I love you too. Never leave me." I press him even closer. "Never." He kisses me again and his face twists in pain. "Lets go home." I say and take his sweaty hand in mine. He nods and so i guide a still shaken tobias towards our new apartment.

I sit him down on the couch. "Wait there. I'll be back in a second." He nods and lies down. I look at him kind of worried. I am really curious what botherd him that much. I won't pressure him though. He will tell me if he wants to. I make both of us a tea and then return to Tobias. I stand infront of him and gently lift his head then i sit down and lie his hand on my lab again. He adjusts his position a bit and then looks at me. I stroke the hair out of his forehead and let my fingers glide through his hair. He sighs and closes his eyes. "I made us some tea. Do you want some?" He slowly nods and sits up a bit to sip his tea. Then he lies down with his head on my lab again. After a bit of silence and both of us sipping our tea occasionally he suddenly starts talking. "I still got four fears. But one... one changed. My fear of heights didn't change and neither did my fear of confinement but the fear of killing the innocent is gone and was replaced by another. But the fear of-of marc- of my father didn't change. Its still the same." He makes a short break and i know him good enough to know that he will continue soon. And sure enough after a sip of tea. "My fear of killing the innocent turned into another one. One that is way more frightning." He shakes his head as if he wants to get the picture out of his head. "I-I had to watch..." he takes a deep breath. "I had to watch you die." He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head again. "I was behind an invisible wall and these guys..." his voice trails off. "You screamed for me and i couldn't help you. You screamed and all i could do was watch. Slowly watch you die. And then the wall was gone but it was to late. I held you in my arms when you died. Right in my arms." By now tears flow down his face again. He sits up a bit and i wrap my arms around him tightly. "I love you Tobias. So so much." He holds me close towards him. So close it nearly hurts but i don't complain. His tears wetten the top of my head. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch Tobias die infront of my eyes. Its one of my worst nightmares. He holds me tight towards him for a lot longer and i lie my head on his shoulder. "Please promise me that you will never die." I laugh a bit. "I can't promise that. We will all die eventually." He sighs and presses me closer to him again. "Then promise that you will die after me." I laugh again. "I can't promise that either. Also: do you want me to go through the pain of loosing you?" He sighs. "Its way to complicated. How about we just die at the same time." I laugh. "Okay." He kisses my cheek. "Okay."

After a while we stand up and make us a dinner together. "We need to use our dinning table." Toby jokes and laughs a bit. I laugh as well. "Yeah we do." I set the table while he watches the noodles.
When the dinner is set we sit down at our table and start eating and talking. "So do you want to spray paint 'fear god alone' on the wall again?" I ask and take a bite of noodles. He chews on the inside of his cheek again and lustless pokes his fork in the noodles. "Maybe. I have to think about it." I nod. "I will be okay with both options." He smiles a bit. "Thank you."
After dinner we both get dressed for the first night in our new apartment. Before we go to sleep we open our huge living room window and stand next to each other and look at the city. All the lights are already out only the trains spend a bit of light. Tobias and i look at the stars and the nearly full moon. I shiver a bit and he wraps his arm around my shoulder. Immediatly warmth flows through my body and i lean against him. Suddenly i see a shooting star. I point at it and say, "My mum always said that if you see a shooting star you have to quietly wish for something. And if you don't tell anyone your wish comes true." Tobias smiles and looks at me for a few seconds in which we both wish for something. And i am pretty sure that we both wish the same: that we will last forever.
"What did you wish f-" i silence him with a finger on his lips. "Don't ask or tell anyone or it doesn't come true." He sighs but a smile plays around his lips. "Okay then..." i give him a quick kiss before we both turn to look at our city again.

In the night i wake up by shuffeling next to me. Tobias turns again and again and kicks his feet a bit. He probably has a nightmare. Outside i hear rain drops popping against our window and filling the room with a slight but constant noise. The alarm clock shows that its only 3.17 am. Tobias starts trashing around some more. "Tris!" He mumbles and reaches his arms out. I take his hands in mine. "Tobias wake up. I am here." "Tris!" He sounds more panicked now. He trashes around more and i shake his shoulders harder. "Tobias wake up!" I say and finally he opens his eyes. But only a little bit. He spots me and i sigh a breath of relief at the same time as he does. "Tris..." he sighs. I lie down next to him again and he wraps his arms around me tightly. I burry my head in his chest and wrap my arm around his waist while his head rests on mine. "Tris..." he mumbles again and holds me even closer before he drifts into sleep again.