Divergent | No War

26 - It's my fault.

Tobias
Tris lies there. Hooked to a lot of machines. A constant beeping and a churing sound fills the room. But i ignore all the machines and just stare at her. My tris. My love.
My heart clenches. She is sickly pale and under the night gown her body looks like it would snap in two if you would just touch it. Tears already gather in my eyes. No one else is in the room. I slowly sit down on the chair next to her bed. I stretch my leg with my hurt ankle under her bed. She has a large tube in her mouth that conects to the machine that makes the churing sounds. Breathing machine i guess. She has a smaller tube in her nose but i have no idea what that is for.
There are also other wires conected to her. Four with the heart monitor and the other two with some kind of other machine. She also has multiple iv's going into her wrist, her right side and her legs. Around her fingers she has a bandage that keeps a little machine to them. Slowly and carefully i take her hand in mine and stroke the back of her hand. "I am sorry tris." I mumble. "I saw the shot but i was to late. I couldn't catch him." My voice is barely a whisper and my throat feels like there is a rock inside. I stroke her forehead. "I still love you tris. So much that is hurts. I love you so much." I burry my head in her bed and tears roll down my face. "I am sorry i left you. I am sorry i didn't safe you. I am sorry. Its all my fault. Everything that happend is my fault. I should have protected you better." Her limp fingers in mine do nothing. Nothing happens. The heart monitor beeps. The breathing machine churs. And i don't know what i expected. That she got up and kissed me? Immediatly forgave me? I just cry. I cry and cry.
My tris. The only person i ever really loved. That every really loved me. And now this...
Suddenly the door opens behind me. I turn around and see Uriah and Zeke in the door way. They both wear a gown and a surgical mask but i still immediatly recognise them. "Four!" Zeke exclaims and runs over to me. He wraps me in a tight hug. "Uri told me he saw you. I didn't believe him." I slowly push him away from me. "Can you tell me why she is in this state? I know that she got shot but normally that doesn't lead to a coma!" I say and the giant lump is back in my throat. Zeke and uri sit across from me. Uri roams through his hair. "Its kind of complicated. As you know she was shot in the side twice. It didn't hit any vital organs but a major arterie. She lost nearly half of her blood. Because of that and because her blood sugar and her energy in general was extremly low - the doctors said to get it that low she had to not eat for at least four months - her brain didn't get enough blood and because of that not enough oxigen for a long time. Her brain did the best it could and that was shut down. They tested her for brain activity and she has a bit. They said that they will check every day whether it gets more. At the moment she is at the lowest. They will have to check whether it rises and espacially how much it rises. Then they can say how long it would possibly take her to wake up." I look at him and my brain needs a few seconds to process what he just said. "That means that no one know when she will wake up?" "Exactly." A voice now suddenly says from the door. We all turn around and a middle aged doctor with brown hair stands in the doorway. "Hello i am doctor Jamson. I operated Tris. Who are you?" Before either Uri or zeke can give me away i answer, "John. My name is John." The doctor nods and shakes my hand. "Well John, it looks like you already know everything about the case." I smile a bit. "Yes, well Uriah told me everything pretty precise. I just have one question: is it sure that she will wake up?" Dr Jamson looks at me and tilts his head. "We don't know. We can't say that she will neither can we say that she won't. Right now it all depends on her brain activity. I am here to test that just now. Could you all just leave the room for a few minutes. I'll tell you when i am done." I nod and get up. I get my crutches and hop out of the room. Zeke looks at my foot. "What happend?" I shrug. "Just sprained my ankle. Nothing important." "Well John..." he now says and grins at me. I just want to open my mouth when suddenly there i a shout from the end of the hallway. "Uri, Zeke! There you are!" We all turn around and see Chris, Mar and jonas walking towards us. When they spot me all of their eyes widen. Uri and zeke quickly motion for them to be quiet. "John could suprisingly come as well." Zeke explains. Empathising the word 'john'. They all nod except from Jonas. He just glares at me and in two long strides stands infront of me. "What are you doing here, John?" He spits out my fake name. I slowly and totally calm get up. "There there Jonas. No need to be rude. What is the matter with you?" I have to pretend like i didn't know that he dates Tris now. That he stole my girl. "What the matter with me is? You cheated on my girlfriend. That is the matter." Zeke, Mar, Chris and uri behind him cringe. "Oh." Is all i say. "Yes. Oh." Jonas says. "So i'll ask you again: what are you doing here?" I sigh. "I was there when she was shot. I just wanted to see whether she is okay." Jonas narrows his eyes at me. "You saw that now. I dont want you anywhere near her!" I huff. "You can't tell me anything. What do you want to do? Huh?" "I can do a lot of things and you will stay away from my girlfriend!" "What if i don't? You don't get to decide who visits her! You have no say in this!" "I do! And i tell you that you are not allowed to-" "Gentlemen!" Jonas shouting gets interupted by a doctors shout. "This is the intensiv station in a hospital! Not an arena for chest pumping! Behave or i will have to ban you from the station." The woman says strictly and glares at both of us. I still glare at jonas when i walk past him and bump his shoulder.
Only a few minutes later Dr Jamson comes out of tris room. He wears a slight smile. We all jump up and gather around him. "And? What did the test say?" Mar asks. Dr Jamson looks at all of us. "The test was positive. Her brain activity rose 2 percent." I sigh a breath of relief and Jonas glares at me. "If her brain activity rose 2 percent every day, how long does it take for her to recover completly?" Uri asks. "That is a good question uriah. Since the normal percentage of an average adult is at about 2000 percent it would take about three and a half year." We all gasp. "Three and a half year?" I ask shocked. "That is a lot of time!" Zeke exclaims. Mar and Chris clutch eachother tightly. Dr jamson nods. "Yes. But that is only the case if her brain activity raises 2 percent every day. In most of my cases it was different though. Most of them started with 2 percent and in the last months before they woke up it were 50 percent, every day." "How big is the chance that that will happen with tris?" I ask now - my voice shaking. "Pretty likely. Of course there is no garantee that that will happen but i had a pretty simular case before and that was exactly what happend." I fall onto one of the chairs and my head spins. "What do you think is the least amount of time she will need?" Mar now asks but somehow i only listen with one ear. "At least two months. But that is very unlikely. Normal with those injuries are about seven to twelve months." My heart clenches. Another whole year without my tris! I don't think i can survive that. I squeeze my eyes shut and rock myself back and forth. Someone lies a hand on my back and rubs it. I look up and see Christina. She smiles at me weakly. When i look around i see that the others already left. "You know i always knew that you still loved her." I slowly nod and look st tris' best friend. "I never stoped. I tried to foget her. I admit it. But i couldn't. She is brand marked into my brain. Her smile. Her lips. Her eyes. Every little detail. For her it aparently was easier to move on..." i say with a bitter taste in my mouth. Christina shakes her head. "No. No i don't think so. I think that it wouldn't have been for jonas she would have done something to herself. You didn't see her. She was barely herself anymore. She laughed, yes, but it never really reached her eyes. Jonas and the other don't know her so well so they couldn't have noticed but i did. She was devasted for about two months and i think from then on she decided that she wasn't allowed to grief over you anymore. That she hasn't got the right anymore." Christina lets her head hang. "I feel like this is also my fault. I should have taken better care of her. Should have forced her to eat. Then her condition wouldn't be so bad." I carefully lie a hand on her back. "I think we all are thinking it was our fault at least that is what i do. And i think it was my fault. Obly mine. I-I cheated on her and then just left her. I broke her." Tears prick behind my eyes but i push them away. "You know i will just have to live with that now." Christina looks at me. "Why did you cheat in the first place. You love her so much. Even after months of seperation you still do." I squeeze my eyes together to keep the tears inside. "I don't know. I was drunk and stupid. I just... i don't even remember sleeping with that girl." Christina gets silent. "Well maybe you didn't." She says and her voice is only a slight whisper. "But-" i start but she interupts me. "Wait a second. Tris said that you still had your boxershorts on and jana still her underwear. Maybe you just kissed her but then fell asleep before anything more could happen." I shrug. "We will never be able to find out..." chris smirks at me. "Yes we are."