Divergent | No War

17 - Falling apart

Someone gently shakes my shoulders. "Wake up Tris. Initiants don't train themselfs." I hear Chris voice. I open my eyes and look into her smiling face. I just nod and get up. She grins at me. "What?" I ask and rub my eyes. "Did you realise that we are friends for already one year by now." I smile a bit. "That's true. Weird how fast he time passes." I say and stiffle a yawn. She nods and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
After a small breakfast i walk towards the trainingsroom. I haven't seen Tobias in the cafeteria and so i suggest that he already is there. When i enter i see all the initiants apart from Jana. Also i can't spot Tobias anywhere.
At exactly 8 am i say, "Does anyone know where Jana is?" Everyone turns to lucie but she looks just as puzzled as i am. "No. I didn't see her this morning and thought she already went to get breakfast but she wasn't in the cafeteria. I have no clue where else she could be." I nod. "Okay. I will go and search for Jana." And tobias... i add in my head. "You already start with 50 push ups." They all go down to the floor and start while i leave the room. First i go to the dorm again but it is empty. After i double checked the cafeteria and even looked at the chasm i decide to first look for Tobias. Maybe he can look at the cameras in the control room. I walk towards our apartment and unlock the door. "Four!" I yell. Still to angry to call him by his real name. "Four come here!" I yell again and push the door to the bedroom open. The sight inside makes a cold hand grab at my heart. I think i might faint or throw up and tears gather in my eyes. Tobias lies in our bed with no shirt and no pants and next to him Jana. Only wearing her bra and her underpants. Tears roll down my face and i walk over to Tobias and push him while screaming, "How could you? You filthy asshole! I trusted you!" Deep in my head self doubts already show their ugly heads. Of corse he would cheat. Look at that girl. She has curves and log legs and is his height and just perfect. And then look at me... Slowly Tobias wakes up and with him jana. "Out!" I yell at her. Tobias looks at the half naked girl next to him that trys to get her clothes as fast as possible and my face that is full of tears. He realises what is happening only a few seconds later. "Tris, no! Its not what you think!" I can't breath. I can't think. "No!" I yell and rib the necklace he gave me, the necklace i always wore and that means so much to me away from my neck. "You cheat on me! And then you tell me its not what it looks like!" He opens his mouth. He got as white as a sheet. I throw the necklace at him. "I don't want to see you ever again! I don't want to speek to you! Go to your mom! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! We are done! Forever!" Tobias still looks at me in shock. "Tris no..." i hear him say but i am already out of the room. I run to the shop where Mar and chris work. I barg through the door already full sobbing. Mar spots me first. "Tris oh my god! What happend?" She wraps an arm around me and guides me out of the sight of the custormers into a back room. Chris comes and spots us. In the next second she already is by my side. "Deep breaths." Mar says and breaths in deeply. I try to breath with her but i just can't. Tobias cheated on me. He cheated on me. With Jana. I hyperventilate and press a hand to my chest to release a bit of pressure. It doesn't work. Chris and Mar exchange worried glances. "Tris, please tell us what happend." Chris says softly and lies a hand on my shoulder. "F-four ch-cheated!" I sob out. Chris and Mar stare at me. "What? Did you just say that he cheated on you?" I slowly nod. "No he didn't!" Mar yells and jumps up. "I am going to kill that boy! Call uri!" "No!" I sob out. Immediatly chris and mar are next to me again. "What?" "No, p-please do-don't call Uri. I don't..." i trail of because another wave of sobs hits me. "Oh tris..." mar says and wraps me into her arms. "No okay that is enough!" Chris says and storms out of the store.

Tobias
I wake up to someone yelling at me and pushing me. At first i can't really understand what the person is saying but then i make out single words. "Asshole... trusted you..." i slowly open my eyes and look around. Jana the candor transfer runs around our bedroom and searches her clothes. Tris stands infront of me and has tears streaming down her face. Just then i realise that i am only wearing my boxer shorts. Tris yells, "Out!" at Jana and Jana nearly falls down as the runs out of the room - still not wearing pants. Jut then it clicks in my head and realisation hits me like a brick in the face. Oh no! I shake my head. "Tris no! Its not what you think it is." I start but even in my ears that sounds weak. "No!" She yells and ribs the necklace i gave her from her neck. "You cheat on me! And then you tell me its not what it looks like!" I open my mouth and feel myself getting paler and paler. She throws the necklace at me and i catch it with one hand. "I don't want to see you ever again! I don't want to speek to you! Go to your mom! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! We are done! Forever!" Tris yells and more tears run down her beautiful face. "Tris no..." i start again but she already ran out of the room. I look at my clothes that lie on the floor and sink down on the bed. I look at the necklace in my hand. The small engraving i let this guy do just for Tris. I still can't really process what just happend. Did i reall cheat on her? I was so drunk that i didn't even realise what i did. I can even only barely remember what happend. Oh god! I just lost Tris! Tears start dropping on my face. I have to get her back! I have to! I jump up but stagger a bit and hold the wall for support. I slowly walk towards the kitchen and get myself a glass of water and an aspirin. This can only be a nightmare. I didn't cheat on her. I mean why would i? I love her! And only her. I shake my head and slide down the kitchen wall. This can't be true. It just can't! I don't know when i started crying but when i do i am not able to stop. Sobs rack my body and i press the palms of my hands in my eyes to make myself stop. To make the pain go away but its no use. It creeps into my heart. My limps. My head. Everywhere. The pain rushes through my body with my blood.
Suddenly the door flys open. "Four!" I hear an angry voice. "Come here you bloody asshole! You little cheater! You filthy nothing!" I hear Christinas voice. Oh no. I don't think i can handle her yelling now. I just roll myself to the smallest i am able to and rock myself back and forth. Maybe she will go away and then i'll wake up and have tris in my arms. My heart clenches. I want Tris in my arms so badly right now. I lie my head on my knees. "Four! Four come here..." her voice trails of and i know that she saw me. I hear her walking over to me. "Four?" Her voice now asks directly next to me. I don't look at her. "Euh... are you crying?" She asks shocked. I only shake my head. "Oh of course not..." she pulls at my arm. "Stand up! Stand up and tell me what happend!" She instructs and pulls harder. I slowly stand up and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand but its no use. The tears don't stop. "What. Happend." Chris demands. Helplessly i shake my head. "I don't know! I have no idea! All i remember was taking a few drinks with Zeke. Maybe a few to much and then i only remember falling into my bed here. I don't remember sleeping with Jana." Chris raises her eyebrows at me. "Jana? Your initiate?" I nod. "And then?" I look at her helpless. "Then i woke up. And tris yelled at me and threw this at me and said that we are done." I hold up the necklace i gave her after she chose her job. Chris looks at it. "Oh this is the one Tris always wore." I nod and close my fist around it. "Christina please help me! I need her back! I am nothing without her!" She looks at me carefully. "I don't know whether that is possible." That is enough for me. I run into the bedroom and start throwing random clothes in a bag. "Leave me alone now!" "Four, please don't do anything stupid now. You are pretty flusterd and shouldn't rush anything." I shake my head and try to stop the tears. "I am not doing anything stupid." "You don't want to kill yourself... right?" I shake my head again. "No i won't!" "Okay. I'll leave then." I nod and finally she leaves. Tris hates me! I hate me! This whole life here is worth nothing without tris. After i packed my things i sit down at our kitchen table and get myself a piece of paper and a pen. I start writing a goob bye letter for tris and put it in an envelope. I take it in one hand and my bag in the other and then run towards the control room. I knock multiple times untill Zeke finally opens the door. He doesn't seem to be informed yet. "Hey man. Whats up? No offence but you look awful." I just ignore him. "Please give this to tris. But only tomorrow. Promise me that no matter what happens or what you will hear you just give this envelope to Tris." He slowly nods and looks at me concerned but also confused. "Are you okay? Are you going somewhere?" He points to my bag. I wave it away and lie my hands on his shoulders. "Promise me that you will give this to tris no matter what." He nods. "Okay i promise." Another wave of tears hit me. I am not only leaving tris behind but also my other friends. But this life just doesn't have anything for me anymore. "Good bye zeke. You have always been a good friend." He looks at me even more confused and i pat his back. "Bye..." he says and i feel his stare in my back as i run towards the exit of the compound.

Tris
Mar managed to calm me down a bit by the time Chris returns. She looks pretty confused. "What did he say?" Mar asks. "He said that he didn't know what he was doing. That he was drunk." I start crying again. "Of course! He was drunk and just then let out that he deserved someone better than me. Someone more desireable than me." Chris and mar look at me in shock. "Tris no! That is not the truth." Chris says but i shake my head and rock myself back and forth. "It is true!" I burry my head in my hands. This is to much for me. All of this is to much for me. I can't take all of this. Tobias cheated on me! I break down into sobs again and i feel how both of them rub my back.

Only fifteen minutes later we are back at my apartment again together with all of my other friends. All together we put on new sheets on the back and i was allowed to burn the old. I noticed that Tobias took a few of his clothes with him. Wherever he went. I don't care where he went. But i know that it is not true. Every part, every muscle inside of me strains towards Tobias. I want him to hold me and tell me that all of this was only a bad dream. A nightmare. The others just sit around me while i rock myself back and forth. I feel like i would explode any moment. Just in that moment i suddenly remember the initiates. "What about the initiates? Who took care of them?" I ask panicked and jump up. Uri lies a hand on my shoulder and Jonas carefully sits me down again. "Lauren took them to her and trains them together with the dauntless borns." I nod. "Okay. Good." I stare into the flames that burn in the middle of our living room in a large pot. I guess after this its ruined but who cares. I feel so empty. So incredibly empty. Something vidal is missing. Something i need for living. I know what that something is. Who that someone is but he is gone. I break down into sobs again and Jonas wraps his arms around me while the others watch helpless. And all i do for hours is cry and cry and cry.