Divergent | No War

18 - They found him on the tracks

Somehow i landed in my bed in that night and somehow i wake up the next morning. Somehow i manage the strength to get up and brush my teeth. I can't even think about eating right now. Chris, Mar, Lynn and Shauna slept in my apartment. I guess now its just mine not Tobias and mine anymore. Tears gather in my eyes at that thought.
I sit down on my couch and stare at the couch table. The other girls are already awake and rumourge in my kitchen. Suddenly it knocks. Lynn goes and opens the door. Behind it stands Jonas and he has a expression that i can't really put a finger on. "Morning. What is it?" Chris asks and gives him a small smile. He doesn't return it. He just walks - well more stumbles - inside and falls onto the couch. "I-I don't know how to say this... They found Four on the tracks today." I stare at Jonas not wanting to believe what he implys. "Aparently he jumped infront of a train last night."
I need a few seconds to realise what he said.
My head feels like i was dumped under water. My ears are muffled and i can only see the others moving their mouths but can't hear what they say. Tobias... dead! No! This can't be. He is not dead. He is still alive and will walk into the room and tell me that all of this was a huge prank. This is the only explanation. Only now i realise that everyone is staring at me. Shaunas lips form my name but i don't hear her. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I just get up and run. I just run somewhere.
Eventually i find myself at the chasm. I don't know whether other people followed me. I stare down at the river inside a building. Right now the ice cold trashing water looks inviting. Like its a nice exit out of all of my problems. I lean over the railing. My hands get sprayed with the cold water but i just see it. I don't feel it. Everything inside me went numb. Maybe this is what Al felt like. Standing here. Done with his life - just like me. I already have one leg over the railing when two strong hands wrap around my hip. I turn around and see Jonas. He looks at me shocked and somehow in this moment it feels right to hug him closly. I press him close to me and burry my face in his neck. I cling onto him and for a few seconds i even feel the strong arms that are wraped around me.
Jonas carries me back to my apartment. When i arrive there he sits me down on my couch. The dark red one... It always was Tobias favourite. Thats what death does... It turns is into was. Another person comes sprintig into the room and at first i don't recognise him but then i see Zeke. He holds an envelope in his hand. Somehow his voice is the only that i can hear. "Tris, this is from... from him. He told me to give it to you." A letter from Tobias. Oh Tobias! Its all my fault that you are dead! I said that i hate him! My last words were that we are done and that i hate him! I break down into a wave of sobs and with a quacking hand open the envelope. I pull out the letter and i have to blink a few times before i can read it.
Once i read it I can only stare at the piece of paper in my hands. He is not dead... it was faked! He planed this! All of this! Maybe he even planed to cheat on me so i would break up with him and he didn't have to break up with me. I let the letter fall to the floor. "What does it say Tris?" Mar asks and kneels down. "He is not dead." I mumble. "Tris..." she wants to interupt but i keep going. "No really. It says it in this letter. He told me. He faked it." Everyone now stares at me. "Mar read the letter!" Will says with wide eyes. Mar looks at me for aproval and then picks it up after i nodded. She reads it out loud,
"VI-
First of all: i am sorry. I know that you probably hate me now and you have any reason for that. But what i can assure you is that i am not dead. It was faked so no one wondered why i suddenly disappeared. I went to my mother and am safe.
Love IV
PS: You can show this to the others as well.
What?" Mar finishes and stares at me along with everyone else. "What does he mean 'went to his mother'?" Uri interupts the silence that build up. I sigh. "His mother lives among the factionless. He thought about going there for a while. That is also what we kept on fighting about." Everyone still stares at me. "So he joined the factionless, on free will... And left all of us behind..." Lynn claryfies. I nod. "Yes." I answer and burry my head in my hands. When i think that i wanted to kill myself...
So now he left me... Now he really left me to join his mother. Suddenly the pain that just started to get better is back. He might not be dead but i still won't ever see him again. He might as well be dead. I slowly stand up and under the gazes of my friends walk towards my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and fall onto my bed and then for hours - i just cry.

Tobias
By now Tris should have read the message. My mother welcomed me with open arms and as if she expected me to come today she already fixed a small room with a bed and a small box for my few belongings. I am lying on my bed and cry. That is what i did for the last hours. My mother tried to calm me, so did Jason and even Julia - a girl i barely know - but it all was no use. I miss tris. So much it hurts. I messed everything up. Just because i had to get drunk. I wonder for how long a human can cry untill there are no tears left. I burry my head in my pillow and just sob and cry for hours.