Divergent | No War

19 - Starring at walls

Tris
The next day i lie in my bed and stare at the wall opposite from the bed. I don't even know why. I just stare at it and can't take my eyes away from it. For hours i just lie in my bed. I don't even know the time. It could be noon or morning or evening. I don't really care.
My friends visit me. Everyone once. They talk to me. Bring me food or offer me a shower. Jonas is the last to visit me. He sits on my bed side. He doesn't smile like the others he just sits there and looks at me while i look at the wall. After a while i manage to take my eyes of the wall and look at him. He still doesn't smile and i am glad for that. "What is it with the wall?" He asks totally serious. I feel a lump in my throat. "He wanted to spray paint something on it." I answer. I think its the most i talked today. Jonas nods. "Ah ok." He just says. After that we both are just quiet and stare at the wall together. "Its a good place for a spray paint." He says and tilts his head. I nod. "You can always see it. From the bed and from the couch." I nod again.
We are quiet for a while again. "Do you want to take a shower?" He asks carefully. I glance at him. "Not with me. You can do it alone of course." I slowly nod and stand up. He guides me into the bathroom and then closes the door. A shower... why not. I step into the shower and turn on the water. I don't even notice whether its cold or hot.
I just stand under the shower and let the water rush down my body. After a bit of time it knocks. "Tris? Are you okay?" I hear Jonas voice. I don't answer and so a few seconds later it knocks again. "Tris? Tris!" He sounds alarmed by now. "I am here." I say with the strongest voice i can muster. I hear him sigh a breath of relief. "Don't worry I will just open the door a little and throw in a fresh pijama. Okay?" "Yes." I just answer. He opens the door and lets a shirt and a pants fall on the floor.
I get out of the shower and dry myself before i put on the pants. I pick up the shirt and stumble backwards. Tears rush in my eyes and i let if fall down. Its Tobias! Its his favourite shirt! I clap my hand over my mouth to stiffle a sob but it still is pretty loud. Jonas knocks on the door. "Tris? Are you crying?" I wrap a towel around my torso and hold the shirt out of the batroom. I feel how jonas takes it out of my hand. "Its his." Is all i say before i close the door again. "Shit!" I hear jonas curse before i hear his steps going away and then coming back. He knocks again and i open the door - still sitting on the floor. He lets the new shirt fall to the floor. Thit time it is one of mine. I slip it on ansd step out of the bathroom. When i come back into the bedroom my bed is made and i just fall into it again. Jonas comes into the bedroom. "I am sorry about the shirt." I just nod. He lies a hand on my arm but immediatly pulls it away again. "God Tris you are cold! Did you shower this whole time with cold water?" He sounds shocked. I shrug. "I don't care." I mumble. He sighs and wraps me in the blankets. Then he walks out again and tells the other that i would need a warming bottle.
He comes back in and his hand strokes my hair. It feels just like Tobias hand. Oh Tobias! Why did you cheat on me? Why did you leave me? I cry into my pillow and then drift into an uncalm sleep.

When i wake up again Uri sits on the couch next to my bed and has a book in his hands. "I didn't think you could read." I say but my voice sounds emotionless. Uri looks at me grinning. "Well its nice to know that i can still suprise you." He steps next to my bed. "How are you feeling?" Tobias used to ask me that. Whenever i was sad. Tears rush in my eyes and i turn away from him. "Okay wrong question." Hesitating he lies a hand on my back. I sob into my pillow. He is gone. Gone forever. I will never see him again. My tobias. The boy i love. Aparently he didn't love me enough. I wasn't enough to make him stay. I burry my head deeper in the pillow while uris calming hand rubs my back. "You know Tris, you are like a sister to me." I feel my sobbing slowly getting better. "Yeah its true. You are always in a good mood and you are so clever and so brave. That is why it kills me to see you like this. So sad and broken. Now he conpletly wraps his arms around me and i turn around and cry in his chest. "I already miss him so much uri. I don't know what to do." He strokes my head and holds me close while i cry into his chest. He smells so different to Tobias. And in general he just is the exact opposite. Maybe that is what helps me at the moment. That he doesn't remind me of him and that i can just cry without remembering tobias in every second. He always knew how to calm me. He knew how to make me happy. He brought me flowers although the amity compound is hours away. He knew what i needed and when i needed it.
I get thrown out of my thoughts by a loud groan coming from the livingroom. "Oh my god!" Mar says shocked. I look at Uri and he looks back at me. We both stand up and uri steadies me a bit while i walk. We open the door and see Zeke whith shauna in his arms. She clutches her stomach. Chris turns to Uri and me in shock. "Shaunas water just broke!"

We all sit in the waiting room of the erudite hospital. Jonas wraped his jacket around my shoulder. Shauna, Zeke and Lynn are inside and help Shauna. Occasionally we can hear a groan but or something like that but other than that its pretty quiet.
Then after nearly an hour you can hear a loud wail. We all jump to our feet and only one minute later the door opens. "She said she wants to see you all." The doctor announces. We all squeeze in the small room. Shauna lies in bed and Zeke and Lynn lean over her. Then another quiet wail goes through the room. Zeke carefully takes the small baby that is wraped in pink blankets out of Shaunas arms and holds it to his chest. "Hello everyone. I present the one and only Lya Julia Liner." He holds the baby out for uri and then the little baby girl gets passed around. I am the last one to hold the baby. I look in the big blue eyes and smile. A real smile. This is a little human that just now saw the light for the first time. The little baby looks up at me and seems really interested. She plays with my hair and her little hands grab my shirt. "Hello Lya. You are a beautiful baby girl." I say and carefully stroke a few strains of her baby hair out of her face. Then i hand the small baby over to shauna again. She smiles at the baby lovingly.
I step back a bit and lean against the wall. Jonas steps next to me. We both just look at the little newborn and don't say anything. After a while of more cooing over the baby Chris gets out a camera. We ask one of the nurses to take a group picture and all stand around shauna. Zeke presses his lips to her forehead and Jonas wraps his arm around my shoulder. And for the picture i even manage a smile.

Tobias
My arrival at the factionless house doesn't seem to be a suprise for anyone. They all behave like they expected Tris and me to break up within the next days. Tris. My tris. I miss her so much.
I barely got out of bed this morning. Jason brought me something to eat but i barely looked at it. I just stayed on my bed. Tris always knew how to cheer me up.
I remember one time i was ill and she cooked something for me and read a whole book to me just so i would feel better. I hurt her so much. I cheated on her and left her. What am i supposed to do? How am i supposed to live? What did i think by just running? Now everyone at dauntless thinks i am dead and i can never return. I will never be able to talk to tris again and my last words at her were 'tris no...' so pathetic.
The sun is shining through my dusty window - laughing at me. Telling me that everyone else is happy and i deserve to be devasted. And its true.
It knocks on my door. I turn my head and try to at least wipe my tears away from my eyes. "Yes?" I say. My voice sounds strangled and weak. The door opens and Jason steps in. "Hey tobias." It still feels weird that everyone know my real name. "Hey." I answer and look away from him. "Do you want to come with us? A few of us will go to the amity compound today to see whether we can get some food." I shake my head no. "No thanks. I will stay here." He frowns and turns to leave but then turns around again. "You know tobias. Just because you are the son of evelyn you can't just sit around and let other peoole do the work. You will have to get over that girl of yours and the fact that you left the dauntless compound. And you better do that fast." He slams the door shut and i hear his fast steps on the stairs. I just fall on my bed and start crying again.