Divergent | No War

23 - Coming late

Tris
Loud knocking on my door wakes me up. I frown and look at my clock. Immediatly i sit upright in bed. Its already past eight am! I jump out of my bed and run towards the door. I rip it open. Jonas stands behind it grinning. "Hey Trissy..." his voice trails off when he looks at my strange outfit. I am still wearing my pyjama which is a to big sweat pants and one of Tobias shirts. I hope that Jonas doesnt notice what the second one is. He frowns and softly strokes my cheek. "Are you okay? Have you been crying?" Just now i realise that my face is wet. I inwardly groan. I guess i cried while i slept again... "Yes i just overslept. And I just shoved some water in my face so i would wake up faster." He laughs a bit and then kisses my cheek. "Okay then. I will already go to the pire. I will tell dannie where you are." I nod and then quickly shut the door. Phew. That was close.
I quickly slip on a pair of propper pants and a zip hoodie over one of my loose shirts. I carelessly slip into my shoes and then run towards the pire.
On my way i meet Chris and Mar who are heading to the pit as well. I nearly run into them. "Oh sorry." I mumble. "No problem. Oh hey Tris i nearly forgot." Mar says and holds me back by my arm. "Mh?" I say and turn around again. "Uri and i are having a party tonight. You are of course invited as well." I smile a bit. "Maybe i'll say hello." Mar pouts and chris laughs a bit. "I hope you do more than just say hello." I manage a small fake smile. I dont want to annoy my friends. "Okay maybe i'll even drink a water or something." Mar grins and hugs me quickly. "Okay perfect." Then she already starts walking. Chris still stands next to me though. "Hey Tris..." she looks at me. I turn towards her and try to not look as tired and exhausted i am. "If you... If you still habe a problem... you know because of fo- of him. You know that you can come to me, right?" She looks deeply concerned. I smile a bit and squeeze her shoulder. "I know Chris." She smiles as well and hugs me. "Okay then. See you tonight." I nod and then walk towards the pire.
Well maybe the party will distract we at least a bit although i am already sure that i won't drink a bit of alcohol.
Jonas and Dannie already wait for me. "There you are!" Dannie says. "I am sorry, I..." "Yes yes. Jonas told me. And now come. We have important plans for today." As ever he shoves about five files in my arms. I nod and follow him. Jonas stays behind at his desk. Tobias would have takes the files for me every morning... No! I already want to punch myself again. He is not tobias! He is not tobias and i have to stop comparing these two!
"Ok Tris. Because of you we are already behind the shcedule. We have to make up for that time." I just nod. Suddenly i feel a bit dizzy and stumble to the side. I try to remember when i last ate something and i think it was an apple yesterday morning. Dannie frowns. "Are you okay? I don't want you to faint when we are meeting the abnegation leaders." I quickly shake my head. "No. No i'm fine. I just didn't have breakfast." And dinner. And lunch. I add in my head. He quickly nods and hands me a bottle of water. "Here you go. We will have to see whether we can find soemthing to eat for you there but now we have to go. The leaders are already waiting." I nod and follow him. The bottle balancing on top of the many files i am carrying.

It knocks on my apartment door twice. Quickly i open the door. Jonas stands infront of it grinning. He presses his lips to my cheek and it painfully reminds me of Tobias lips... No! Border! "Hey Tris." He whispers. "Hey jonas." He smiles. "Are you ready?" I nod. "Yup." And close the door behind me.
We walk towards uri's apartment and already two hallways away i can hear the loud blasting music and feel the beat hammering in my chest. In the last minute i can supress a loud sigh. I don't feel like partying right now. I feel like crying. But that is nothing new at the moment anyways...
Jonas doesn't notice anything. Tobias would have- i nearly groan loudly. I really have to stop this! I really have to! I shake my head as if to get the thought out of my head.
Then we are already standing infront of uris apartment. Without hesitating jonas opens the door and pulls me in with him. Inside the smell of sweat and to many people in a close space hit me. I stumble backwards. Oh god it smells awful in here! Jonas didn't even notice my stumbling and just walks straight towards the little bar. Hesitantly i follow him. He purs himself a cup full of tequila and hands me a bear. I shake my head. "I don't drink!" I scream over the music. He shrugs and puts it away again. In one gulp he downs the liquid and then grins at me. I am unsure. I never saw jonas drunk. I don't know how he will behave. Just then i notice that i don't really trust jonas. I mean i trust him that he won't rape me or hurt me but still. I will never trust him as deeply as i did with Tobias. My heart clenches. I would have lied down my life for him in a heart beat and would still do it. Would i do the same for Jonas? I am not sure.
Jonas takes me by my hips and pulls me towards him. "Come on baby. Lets dance." The alcohol makes his tounge heavy and he already lalls. Oh god... i think. Jonas holds my hips pretty tight. Not so tight that it would hurt but still so tight that its not easy to get out of it. "Jonas..." i start and try to push him away. Suprisingly he actually moves. "What is it babe?" He looks at me and his eyes roam over my body. I am glad that its not his hands...
I push him away completly. "I will go now." I turn around and he just lets me go. I find Will and tuck at his shirt. He turns around and smiles at me. He was just talking to a slightly smaller blond girl that looks at him with a smirk. I frown. "Oh hey tris. Whats up?" "Could you tell the others that i left early? I am not feeling so good." He nods and lies his hand on my shoulder. "Of course." I smile a bit and turn around again. A few meters away i turn around again and see that Will now leaned even closer to the blond. I fight with myself but then turn around and walk back to him. I lie a hand on his shoulder and pull him away from the girl. "Will, where is Chris?" He looks at me confused. "Didn't you want to..." he trails off and just now notices the hidden message behind my question. He smiles a bit. "Tris, this is Jamy. Aparently she is my cousin. I just found out today." I feel how a bit of weight lifts of of my shoulders. I smile at will and shake the girls hand. "Hello Jamy. I am Tris." Jamy nods and shakes my hand.
Then i already turn around and walk out again.

When i arrive at my apartment i feel how i immediatly relax a bit. Finally alone again. Finally by myself. I put on my pyjama and burry my face in the shirt. Tobias shirt. I nearly start crying again. I stumble over to the window and open it. Somehow i sometimes feel like i am closer to him when i lean here. On this window. The window we stood at together and looked at shooting stars. Aparently my mother was wrong. My mother... I haven't seen her since... since when? Since visiting day last year? I think so. She didn't show up on the last one. It was just one of the things that made me even sader. At that point tobias was only gone for a week and i couldn't even think of him or only his name without feeling my heart break again.
Today i don't feel his presence though. Today i just feel insanly alone. As if i would be alone in the world. I feel tears behind my eyes again but i blink them away. I don't want to cry now. Not now. I just rest my head in my hands. This is all to much for me. I could just jump. It would end all my pain. All my longing for peace. All my wishes could cane true. But i can't do that. I have friends. Christina, Will, Uriah, Marlene, Zeke, Shauna and Jonas. And Tobias. I am not sure whether he would even care anymore but if he ever told me the truth about what he felt for me i guess he would. And although he cheated on me and although he hurt me like no one else ever before i still care for him and what he feels and so i lean back again and now - against all my resolutions - i cry. And i feel weak because of that and i feel stupid because of that. But i can't change how much i still miss Tobias.