"I don't love you Tyler, nor will I." Josh whispered that into my ear. No, that's not true. I clutched onto his jacket. He won't look at me, why won't he look at me? I grabbed his hand, "no, that's not true." My voice cracked at the thought of this. He yanked his hand from me. "Yes, it is." He said before walking out. No. Please no. I started pacing my room, tears filling my eyes. I couldn't think straight. I'm clutching onto my chair, holding myself up with it. This isn't happening. I begin sobbing, holding my arms against my chest. I looked at the mirror, seeing myself only disgusted me. I screamed at my reflection. This can't be happening. My eyelids felt heavy against my eyes, my tears were flowing out. My voice was cracking every time I tried to talk. My entire world was crashing down in front of me. I sat down in my chair, staring at my hands. They started shaking and twitching. I am so scared this is true, this is my nightmare. I felt my heart sinking to the bottom of my body, my chest felt heavy with every breath I took. I started gasping for breath in between sobs. I am physically feeling pain, Josh left me. He has left me standing here looking stupid and broken hearted. This can't be the end, I won't let it be. I turned back to my reflection, what I seen wasn't what I'm supposed to see. I didn't see myself, I seen something else. Something I can't describe but it terrified me. I needed Josh. The demons are coming back and I'm scared.
I can't sit here and let them drown me, not this time. I jumped up, running to Josh's room. Tears flowed down my face with each step. I stopped mid-run. "What if he doesn't love me?" I asked. I wanted to turn around but something forced me not to. I need to see him, and if he can look me in the eyes and tell me it's over then. Well. Then it'll be over. I rushed to his door, I twisted the knob which was locked. So I knocked. No response. "Josh." I said into the door. "Please Josh." I knocked harder. Still no response. Josh can't ignore me, not now. I ran back to my room and grabbed the key to my door in hopes it'd work his. It did. I unlocked the door, walking in I seen something that will forever scar me. Josh. He was on the couch, arm gushing blood. His pale body barely breathing. I ran over to him, taking my shirt off and wrapping it around his arm. "Josh," I moved his face. He was so cold. "Help!" I started shouting, "help! Please!" I was holding my shirt against his arm crying out. "Someone help! Josh please, Josh wake up. Josh!" I kept shouting, I even started slapping him. I don't know how long I was screaming or how long I was there all I know is my throat started getting scratchy and someone was pulling me off. "No!" I screamed running back at him. "The emt needs room." Whoever had grabbed me, held me in a bear hug. I fell to the ground crying. "This can't be happening." I buried my face into my hands. "This is my fault. I'm losing Josh. Please Josh. Fight." I was still shouting as the emt worked on him. "We have a pulse." I heard them say, it felt so distant because my heart was pounding in my ears. The person near hugging me squeezed me tighter, "they have a pulse Tyler. Let them do their job." My tears were no longer in liquid form, just silent sobs. The emts took Josh out on a gurney, I wasn't allowed to ride with them in case they lost his pulse, they needed room to move around. "This is my fault." I pulled myself out of the tight grip. I buried my face into my knees, rocking back and fourth. "I did this. I hurt him and I made him do this. I should be in that gurney, not him. He doesn't deserve this." I felt tears form in my eyes. This isn't happening.
I love you Josh, fight for me please. It's us against them.
Sorry about these being so sad. I'm speaking from experience. Except Josh is my brother and I am Tyler. Stay alive frens. It's worth it.
1 year strong and still fighting.
