I knew I hurt Tyler when I hurt myself. But it felt so good to me, I felt so much better as I watched blood drip out of my body. Cutting is such a relief to me and I wish it wasn't. I've tried so many times to stop but the scars on my hips remind me of all the bad things I've done to myself and others. I held tightly onto that little shred of hope I had, it gets thinner and thinner as days go by and I can't put into words how badly I feel inside. But with Tyler, it's like all of that just goes away, just for a little bit and then I'm sucked back into reality. I realize how useless I am to everyone around me, all I do right is play the drums. How can someone love me ? Someone so broken and screwed up in the head ? I have scars layering my body, they aren't beautiful. They're things that show that you lost your battle that day, and that's what makes it worse. Losing your battle. I look back at my scars and regret every single one of them, they look so ugly on my body. But when I'm putting them on my body, I don't think of how disappointed I'll make myself. I think of the pain that fades away with every slice I make into my skin. The voices quiet down and the darkness gets light. Just a slight sliver, and that's what makes me cut more. I want to see that bright light, I want to know what the bright light is. I kept seeing it and I felt so drawn to it. It kept leaving me alone in the darkness and that's my life. Everyone leaves, causing the darkness to suck me up like a hair in a drain.
I'm empty inside, this isn't real. Im just a skeleton going through life as a human. I don't feel alive, my words get jumbled as I try to speak. Try to explain for once how I feel, but only noise comes out when I part my lips.
Tyler kept blaming himself for this, for this darkness overwhelming me, but it's not his fault. It's my own, I let it in and now I can't get it to leave me alone now. "Tyler." I said as gentle as I could. "This is not your fault." Was all that came out from between my chapped lips. I seen Tyler standing there, head in hands. Puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes. He was losing his balance and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, I was paralyzed in my own body. Tyler fell, "Tyler!" My throat burned as I screamed out his name. My head was pounding, my eyes were leaking warm liquids again.
Doctors rushed in, and they were screaming something but I couldn't understand. Everything was so loud in my head, I couldn't wrap my mind around everything happening. "Is he going to be okay?" I asked unknowingly, only to get no response from anyone. "Is he okay?" I said it just above a whisper, which cause eyes to turn to me. "He'll be fine. Get some rest." The sweet blonde nurse said to me, but I couldn't rest. I couldn't relax, not while this was happening. Tyler has been here no stop and I can't leave him now. "What happened?" I asked the sweet blonde nurse when they took Tyler out of my room. She looked at me with a concerned face, she glanced at my hand. Which I was digging my nails into, causing blood to come out. "You have to calm down." She whispered to me as she pulled my fist opened. My throat burned and my head ached so terribly. "What happened ?!" I was screaming now. "You need to calm down." She repeated as she walked back from me. My hand was bloody from my nails, my arm ached more as I squeezed my fist tighter. "What happened?!" I repeated with more anger than sadness now. My head was spinning and I was holding on by a shred now. "Tell me." I whispered, loosening my fist. "I promise he'll be okay." She finally said. "He was dehydrated. His blood pressure was low. They just needed to get him checked out. Please calm down." Finally she answered my question. I nodded in approval and she soon walked out. Causing me to be alone with my dark thoughts and no Tyler. Tyler.
