Skin to Skin

Chapter 16

Castiel approached the car slowly, oh no, Dean is crying. Castiel felt his anxiety creep up on him, he can handle himself being like this, but Dean? Dean is his anchor, he's the strong one. He saw Dean quickly wipe his tears, acting like nothing happened. It tore Castiel up inside seeing Dean like this.  Castiel opened the car door and Dean looked up at him, his green eyes shining with unshed tears. He climbed into his lap and held Dean in his arms. "I know.." Castiel breathed in the smell of Dean's leather jacket, that lasting smell of whiskey, it smelt like home. Dean cried in his arms, shaking with each destructive sob. "I'm sorry Cassy. I tried to stay strong for you." Dean broke out of Castiel's arms, held him instead, slightly rocking. "I don't want to go, I don't want to leave. Why did a week go by so fast?" Dean cried into his hair and Castiel felt the beginnings of his own tears. He wiped them away, Dean needs an anchor right now and he can't do that if he falls apart too. Castiel looked up at him, kissed him softly. "I love you..." Dean's lips trembled as he kissed him back, those green eyes looked so lost and hopeless. What is going to happen to them?
Dean wiped away his tears, his head throbbing from the crying. It's the first time in years he's cried like that, he never had anything to lose before this. "Come on Cassy, let's go to that festival." Castiel got up and climbed into the passengers seat. He knew neither of them felt like it, that they just wanted to hold each other and not let go, but it isn't healthy. It's not right to dwell on the separation when they still have eachother in this moment. "Look it up on your phone where it's at." Castiel nodded without saying anything, he probably didn't trust his voice yet, Dean's was a little shakey too. "It's in Alvin, about a 40 minute drive." Dean nodded, still wiping a few stray tears. "Okay, buckle up." ~*~
The drive was long, silent, their anxieties and depression hanging in the air between them. Dean held Castiel's hand the entire time, briefly glancing at Castiel who was just staring out the passenger window. It was late afternoon, the sun set painting beautiful oranges and reds across the clouds, the light shining in Castiel's hair. He looked like an angel. Dean followed the signs in town that led to the festival, when he got there it was bigger than he expected. A few rides, vendors, games, and surrounding it was the beautiful sunset. If they both hadn't been so depressed this would have been an ideal date. "Cassy?" Castiel looked at him, his blue eyes shining with tears. "Please don't cry anymore, please." Dean cupped his face and kissed him. "Let's enjoy this, it looks fun." Castiel flashed him a weak smile and kissed him back. "Okay."
Castiel tried to focus on the games, the food, the rides, but he couldn't. It felt like he was just going through the motions no matter how hard he tried to enjoy himself. "Cassy?" Dean grabbed his hand, dragging him out of his thoughts. "I know it hurts, but we have each other right now." Dean kissed him, lifting him up a little with a hand on his lower back. Castiel smiled weakly, trying to will this anvil of depression away. "Okay, let's get on another ride or something." Dean smiled, it touched his eyes a little and Castiel almost cried. "Ferris wheel?" He nodded okay and followed Dean to the ferris wheel, trailing behind him, hand in his.
~*~
Let's take a picture." Dean pulled out his phone and held it out in front of them. "I want to always remember this. I want to see us when I'm on ship." Castiel nodded and did one of his usual silly faces, Dean his usual stoic, seriousness. Dean kissed him, laced a hand through Castiel's hair as the ferris wheel took off. "I'll be back, I promise. We still have tonight and tomorrow, so spend it with me." Castiel watched Dean's green eyes, they were full of so much pain. "Okay." He said quietly. After the ferris wheel Dean won him a stuffed puppy at a game. Castiel watched all the people passing by, so happy, so unlike him. He squeezed the stuffed animal, clinging to it like he could will it to be Dean once he's left. "You want some food? I can smell some bomb ass chili fries." ~*~ Dean was trying so hard to keep it together watching Castiel teetering on the edge of breaking down. He had this permanent lead weight in his stomach, he felt like screaming, crying, throwing anything, something, but he didn't. Dean smiled, joked, tried to cheer up Castiel, he wanted the man to smile before he left. Wanted to hear Castiel's carefree laughter. Dean rubbed his arms while he waited in line, anxiety ebbing like a strong current inside of him. Castiel stood by his side, a hand in his jacket like a kid in need of a security blanket. He flashed a smile at him, planted a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you." "I love you too."
Dean ate his fries, he was actually pretty hungry, while Castiel only picked at his. "Cassy you need to eat. We haven't had anything all day." Castiel dropped his fork and held the puppy in his lap. "I can't eat, I feel sick to my stomach."Dean knew it was his anxiety because he felt the same way. "Why do you call me Cassy?" Dean looked up from his food, "Hm?" "Why do you call me Cassy?" Dean shrugged a little, feeling like he was about to step into their first and only argument. "It suits you I think. I like how it sounds, how you look at me when I call you Cassy." Castiel nodded, liking the answer. Dean had been calling him that all week, why does it bother him now? "Does it bother you?" Castiel shook his head, he ate a little bit of his fries. "No, I was just curious." They finished their fries and threw away the plates. "Let's go back to your dorm, so we can have some privacy." ~*~
They walked through the hallway of the dorm building, Castiel fiddled with the key to open his door, vision blurry from tears. He couldn't get a handle of his emotions. Finally the door opened and Castiel stumbled in, not realizing had been leaning against it. Dean shut the door behind them and sat down in the computer chair, pulling Castiel into his lap. They sat like that in the dark for ten, fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. At one point Castiel thought Dean fell asleep until he heard him sniffle, he must of thought Castiel was asleep as well. He didn't move, he let Dean have a sense of privacy with his emotions. This was hard, loving someone was much harder than Castiel realized it would be.