Skin to Skin

Chapter 19

Dean practically drug Castiel down the sidewalk by his hand because he was walking so fast. "Dean, slow down." Dean suddenly stopped walking and Castiel ran into him. "S-sorry." Dean faced Castiel, he looked like he was struggling with his words. He kept parting his lips, his jaw clenching, his green eyes wild as he looked around them. "Dean, are you having a panic attack?" Castiel stepped closer, reaching his hand out to Dean, wanting to comfort his obviously disturbed lover. "Maybe. I don't know." He ran his fingers through short hair, "I can't breath. The thought of leaving you and you thinking you're not worthy." Dean chewed on his bottom lip and focused his eyes on Castiel. "I'm sorry I said that Dean. It's my own insecurities. I love you." Castiel would say anything at this point for Dean to go back to his calm collected self.  Castiel felt like he yet again screwed up their time together with his own problems. Dean did that same self-loathing chuckle. "Don't worry about it." He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Let's take a walk."
The sky was gradually getting darker and Dean felt the first few drops of rain on his face. He was having trouble breathing, his chest felt unbelievably tight and it made his anxiety even worse. Dean felt like shit about earlier because now everytime he moved Castiel would flinch. In that moment he hated himself more than anything, he saw himself turning into his father, a man with no control of his rage. "Cassy?" Castiel glanced at him, not holding eye contact, Dean felt it like a stab to his heart. "Please look at me. I'm okay now...I'm sorry about earlier." Castiel frowned and grabbed Dean's shoulder, keeping him from walking. "I'm not angry Dean, I'm not even sacred. I'm worried." Castiel traced Dean's bottom lip with his finger. "I've never seen you act like that." Dean sighed. "Yea, well, I'm scared." He grabbed Castiel's hands in his. "You gotta understand Cassy, I've never felt this way about someone before." Castiel gave Dean a slow, lingering kiss and the sky seemed to just open above them and it began pouring. Dean chuckled. "How romantic, a kiss in the rain."
They ran back to the dorm to escape the rain and Castiel took off the wet shirt clinging to him. He heard Dean gasp and he quicky turned around, thinking something was wrong. "What happened?' Dean spun Castiel around, tracing the scar on his side with his fingertips. "I guess the lighting was never right..." Castiel shrugged his shoulders and brushed Dean's hand away. "It's nothing, just a childhood accident." A tightness around Dean's eyes made it apparent that he didn't believe Castiel. "It's a story for another day." Castiel bent over to get some dry clothes and felt a bit faint. "I really need some food." Dean nodded, he searched the floor for the phone he threw earlier. "I'll order some pizza." ~*~
The day went by too fast for Dean. Soon the sun was already setting, marking their last day and night together. He wanted to show Castiel how he felt, how scared he was, how it felt like a piece of him was getting left behind, but he was afraid to. After earlier, he was terrified of showing his true feelings now, he didn't want to hurt Castiel again. The smaller man looked at him, a faint smile on his lips as he ate a slice of cold pizza. "I love you beautiful." Castiel leaned over and kissed him with a mouth full of pizza. "I love you too." Castiel climbed into Dean's lap. "You want to finish the movie?" "Sure." Dean pressed the Netflix icon on his phone and skimmed until he found Wolfman. Castiel settled into Dean's arms, watching the movie intently. Dean just as before didn't watch the movie, but Castiel instead. He wasn't prepared to say goodbye tomorrow morning. To kiss Castiel one last time, hold him one last time, to look into those beautiful blue eyes like the whole world was in them...one last time.For all intents and purposes Castiel tried to focus on the movie, but he couldn't. Anxiety and tension was coming off Dean in waves, it was putting Castiel on edge. He couldn't get comfortable, he couldn't settle into Dean's arms like he usually does. Castiel kept fidgeting, kept trying to get comfortable and finally Dean paused the movie. "What's up?" Castiel climbed out of Dean's lap and frowned, hugging himself. "I can feel it. How upset you still are." Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm not upset about earlier still. I'm just thinking about tomorrow. Please watch the movie with me." Castiel eyed Dean, wary about what he was keeping from him. "Tell me how you feel. I told you how I feel, I tell you all the time." Dean frowned, anger briefly crossing his face before it settled on being exhausted. "I can't Cassy. I can't.... talk about how I feel. I don't want to argue, not tonight. Please don't pry at this, just accept that I'm worried and sad about tomorrow like you are." Castiel wanted to yell at him, to beg him to express some of the pain he feels about leaving. It didn't make any sense why he was picking an argument now of all times but he couldn't stop himself. "Dean, please." The bigger man stood up, not quite angry, but he wasn't happy. "I said no Castiel. I can't talk about it." Dean walked away, running his fingers through his hair. "Why are you doing this? I'm trying so hard to stay calm, to be happy for you but you won't stop picking at it." Castiel looked at the ground, he knew Dean was right, he's acting childish. "I'm sorry." Dean closed the distance between them, "It's okay, but don't make me beg. I can't deal with my emotions, these emotions." Castiel nodded, looked into those emerald green eyes. "Okay.." He whispered. Dean kissed him, held him in his arms. "What do you want to do for the rest of the the night?" Castiel felt like shit. Why does he constantly ruin moments? It's like hes looking for the bad in things. "I don't know. You want to get some alcohol?" Dean shrugged and nodded his head. "Okay. Let's go to the store."