Skin to Skin

Chapter 35

Dean stood in the hallway and stared at the door after Castiel shut it in his face. He could hear the smaller man crying on the other side of it and he felt like jumping off a bridge. "Cassy..."Dean touched the door and let his hand drop, he fucked up, he fucked up so badly. He walked along the side of the road, looking for the nearest bar so he could drown out all this bleh. All this self-loathing, self-destructive anger that he couldn't control. Dean walked into a bar that had dim lights, hardwood floors, and empty booths. He settled at the bar and tapped for two shots of the cheapest liqour. With each quick swig he felt the anger melt away but the guilt, the pain simmered right below the surface. Dean needed to be punished.. everytime he closed his eyes he saw Castiel on the floor, looking up at him in terror. He saw Sam as a little kid covered in bruises and crying uncontrollably. Dean shook his head and took another shot, shaking away the persistent memories. He surveyed the dimly lit bar for the biggest, drunk man he could find. Dean's lip twitched in anticipation when he saw a drunk biker in the corner of the room, ordered one more shot and approached the man. "Fuck you." He slurred. "Excuse me?" Dean smirked, "You heard me fatty, I said Fuck you." Dean poked the man's chest and he looked at Dean with wild eyes. He grabbed the back of Dean's head and brought his nose down on his leather clad knee. Dean stumbled from the pain and the biker took the opportunity to punch Dean repetitively in the gut, causing him to go in a coughing fit. Dean straightened himself up and laughed at the bigger man. "That all you got tubs?" "You got a death wish boy?!" The man punched Dean square in the jaw and he bit down on his tongue from the force. He swished the blood around in his mouth and spat it in the man's face, smiling at him with a bloody grin. "Come on, you can do better." The man kicked Dean in the chest, sending him against the wall and he collapsed in a broken heap. Fuck this really hurts, he can barely breath through what he can only assume is broken ribs. "Go kid.." Dean looked up at the merciful biker. "No.. you're not done." "Get the fuck out."
The biker picked Dean up and threw him out of the bar. He laid face down in the gravel for a few minutes, unable to move because of the pain in his sides. Dean slowly brought himself to his feet and spat out some of the remaining blood. He deserved this, he needed this to happen. Dean stumbled down the side of the road, the random headlights blinding his rapidly swelling eyes. When he got back to Castiel's dorm he hesitated before knocking on the door. Did Castiel want him back? He has no idea what time it is or how long he's been gone. He sighed and winced in pain, clutching his right side. He knocked on the door and Castiel quickly opened it, his eyes red rimmed and swollen from crying. "I'm sorry i made you lea-" Castiel stopped mid sentence at the sight of Dean and immediately began crying. "Oh my god what happened?! Dean what did you do?" Castiel pulled Dean inside and led him to eh bathroom. He pulled out a first aid kit and Dean caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Fuck he looks like Death. "Dean what happened?!" Castiel shouted in his face, panic and worry filling his blue eyes. "Not nothing I didn't deserve." Dean slurred. "Dean you didn't hurt me. Oh my god." Castiel cleaned the blood off his swollen face and sobbed when he lifted Dean's shirt to reveal his badly bruised ribs. "Dean.." Castiel held him and sobbed. He didn't understand why Castiel was crying, he deserved this pain and so much more. "Don't cry..." Castiel kissed his swollen lips. "Please never do this again. I promise I'll never make you leave again just don't do this." Dean shook his head and looked into those blue eyes. "I don't deserve someone as beautiful as you." Castiel kissed Dean and held him, ignoring his winces of pain. "You, we are stronger than this Dean. I love you so much baby please. Please never leave me, please don't talk like this." Dean nodded, he would never leave Castiel. This man is his anchor, his world, if he lost him he would lose himself.
~*~
Castiel cried while cleaning up Dean, his anxiety at his peaking point, this fear that Dean might do something drastic nauseating. Dean watched him with swollen, blood shot eyes. He looked numb, empty. Maybe he was? Castiel was having trouble keeping himself together, keeping the thoughts of Dean hurting himself because of him at bay. "Dean.." "hmm?" "Do you really think you deserve this?" Dean smiled weakly, a meek effort to play off his feelings. "Yea...because I do." Castiel swallowed the urge to cry, Dean might actually open up to him tonight. "What happened Dean? Tell me, I promise I won't think of you any differently." Dean sighed heavily and clutched his side. "My father found out Sam liked boys...how I don't know...he was only 10." Dean looked like he saw something that wasn't there, like he was seeing what happened in from of him. "My dad told me I needed to teach Sam a lesson... if I didn't he would beat me again and I would lose the privilege to eat." Dean sobbed a bit and swallowed it before continuing. Castiel was on the verge of telling Dean to stop, he didn't know if he could listen to this, if he could watch Dean completely fall apart in front of him. "So I did it...god help me I did it Cassy. I was so scared of getting hurt again, of not eating anymore. I did everything my father told me to." Dean hugged himself and sobbed, rocking back n forth. "I told Sammy to cover his head so I wouldn't hurt him too bad but I used the belt my father gave me. I did it till he told me to stop." Dean started hyperventilating and Castiel held Dean as tight as he could without hurting him. He petted Dean's hair and kissed his head. Castiel didn't know what to say to make Dean feel better, to help him forgive himself. He needs to hear it from Sam but Castiel doesn't know if Sam is willing to talk about it. Dean's sobs kept getting stronger as he muttered I'm sorry over and over again under his breath. "It's okay...it's okay Dean. I still love you." They sat like that for what seemed hours until Dean's sobs became calmer, until his breathing evened out. "Cassy?" "Yes?" "Thank you.." Castiel kissed Dean and rested his forehead against his. "I will always be here."