Skin to Skin

Chapter 40

Castiel sat in the passengers seat, watching Dean drive incredibly fast, his fingers kneading the steering wheel. "Dean.." Castiel clung to the passenger door and his seat belt when Dean abruptly stopped at the stop sign by his dorm. "Yes?" Castiel heard the tension, the misdirected anger in Dean's voice so he just made himself appear as small as possible. Maybe then Dean wouldn't lash out at him. He held his sides, kept his head down, he didn't want to see the anger in those beautiful green eyes. Dean pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. They sat in silence for a few seconds then Dean got out of the car and when he saw Castiel didn't get out he turned around. "Come on, Cassy." Castiel shook his head and locked the car doors. "Castiel what are you doing?" Castiel flinched at his full name and risked a glance at Dean. He could see the anger right under the surface, Dean was looking, waiting for something to snap at and he wasn't going inside with him like that. "No..." Dean stopped what he was doing and his voice lowered. "What do you mean no?" Castiel got up and sat on the middle console, getting away from the door in case Dean tried to hit it. "I'm not going in with you while you're like this." Dean scoffed and let out a laugh that was very...nerve wracking. Castiel could sense how close the other man was to a melt down and he really didn't want to be in the line of fire for it. "You're not sitting in the car by yourself Castiel. Get out." Dean jiggled the car handle violently and he sifted through his pockets for the keys. Castiel showed Dean he had the keys in his hand and Dean's face dropped. "Are you really that scared of me?" Castiel shook his head, his anxiety clawing at his throat, tears threatening to squeeze out of his eyes. In truth yes, he's terrified of Dean when he's like this but he's not going to tell him that. He didn't want the other man to do something drastic again. "N-no I'm scared of your anger..." Dean blinked at his reflection in the window and stumbled back. "I-I'm sorry.." He sat on the curb of the sidewalk and Castiel watched the other man slowly come down from his anger.Castiel eased off the center console and peered out the window but he didn't get out. He wasn't going to risk getting out yet. Dean had is head in his hands, slouched over sitting on the curb. It broke Castiel's heart to see Dean like this, he loves him more than anything but he can't trust Dean's anger. Dean's already broke a bottle by him, pushed him, continuously grabs his wrist. He doesn't know if Dean is getting better or steadily getting worse and it's terrifying. Dean stood up and walked over to the car and Castiel eased away from the door again. "I'm calm...I promise." Castiel unlocked the door but kept his hand hovering over the lock. "Cassy please baby." Castiel sighed heavily, feeling like he might regret this, and opened the car door. Castiel eased out of the car and Dean went to grab his wrist to pull him closer. "Stop, I need to show you something." Dean paused, "What?" Castiel rolled up the sleeve of his jacket, then his shirt, revealing his wrist. It was covered in bruises, slightly swollen and red. "This is from you, Dean." The other man fell apart in front of him, tears immediately coming to his eyes. "Baby..I.. I'm sorry. I don't even.." "You don't even realize you do it?" Castiel looked into Dean's broken green eyes. "That's why I never say anything...but you keep doing it, even when you say your sorry." Dean stuttered, talked incoherently through the rapidly falling tears. "I... what.. I don't know..." Castiel held Dean in his arms. "I'm not going anywhere.." Dean tore from Castiel's grasp and walked to the dorm, Castiel ran after him. Not trusting Dean by himself, terrified he might do something. "Go away Cassy." Dean shut himself in the bathroom and Castiel banged on the lock door. He's too small to bust it open. He looked around frantically for some thing to pick the lock. "Don't you fucking do anything Dean!!" Castiel sobbed while throwing stuff off his desk looking for a pen or a paper clip, anything small enough to pick with. Dean didn't answer him and he became more frantic. He found a paper clip and straightened it out. "Don't you dare try to leave me Dean! I'll never forgive you, do you understand me!?"Castiel's hands shook as he tried to pick the lock, his vision blurry from the tears. He couldn't pick it, he couldn't get the fucking door open. "Dean!" He banged on the door, his heart also beating at his ribcage. He can't lose Dean, not now, not ever, he can't live without him. "Please Dean!" He heard movement from in the bathroom and he held his breath, listening for the other man. "I'm no better than him..." He heard Dean muttered. "Stop Dean! You're nothing like your father. Please let me in baby!" Castiel's eye stung with his tears, he could barely see anything, let alone hear anything. "I hurt you...why are you here? I fucking hurt you Castiel! Are you stupid?" Castiel twisted the door knob violently, ramming his shoulder into the door and hurting himself in the process. "If loving you and staying with you makes me stupid fine! I'm okay with being stupid as long as I have you!" He kept ramming his shoulder into the door, he felt the impact rapidly bruising him but he ignored it. He heard something fall, maybe plastic? Then he remembered Dean has his pills. Castiel stepped back and ran into the door, it finally giving way. He tackled Dean and knocked the pills out of his hand. "Get off me!" Dean pushed Castiel off him and he quicky scrambled to his feet and punched Dean as hard as he could, knocking the man backwards and he fell into the tub. "You. Are. Not. Leaving me." Dean wiped the blood of his mouth and looked up at Castiel. They sat in silence for a moment before Castiel climbed into the tub with Dean. Dean watched him in shock, disbelief that Castiel actually hit him. "I love you Dean Winchester. I can't live without you.." Dean swallowed and nodded his head. "Okay..."
Dean felt like his world was crashing down around him. He was becoming the person he hates the most, the man who hurts the one he's supposed to protect. Castiel reached a hand down towards him to help him out of the tub but he didn't grab it. He stayed crumpled in a painful heap, his legs hanging awkwardly over the side, one arm stuck behind him and the other he used to keep himself partially up. "Leave me alone.." Castiel was still sobbing at Dean's attempt to swallow a fistful of pills. He deserved it, he needed it to happen. Over the years he's done nothing but hurt people for no reason and now he's hurting the one person he should never lay a hand on. "Dean, please." He sighed and looked into those beautiful blue eyes. Dean couldn't take seeing him in so much pain, it was eating him alive. "Why do you love me so much.." Castiel dropped down to his knees at the side of the tub and held himself while he sobbed. "Stop acting like this. Stop acting like your some evil person who doesn't deserve love." Dean repositioned himself because his ribs were sending painful stabs to his side. "I've done things Cassy, I've hurt people. I've hurt you." Castiel's blue eyes met his, they were so bright at this moment, so wild with pain. It took Dean's breath away and he had to break the eye contact, it was too intense. "You are my oxygen, you are my world. Dean Winchester you are being selfish." Dean turned his head in shock. "Wh-what?" "You heard me. You're being selfish. You think that just because your in pain you have the right to just throw in the towel? Where does that leave me? Leave your brother? It leaves us in just as much pain as you." Castiel's voice gradually got louder, stronger and his tears flowed faster. "You have no right to just leave me alone in this world. Not after making me fall in love with you." Dean didn't know what to feel, he was shocked, hurt, he wanted to lash back but he couldn't. Castiel was right... just like every other time in his life he was only thinking about himself and his inability to cope. "I...I don't know what to say." Castiel grabbed his chin and forced him to make eye contact. "Promise you'll never do this again."