Skin to Skin

Chapter 31

Castiel watched Dean closely, how he interacted with his younger brother. On more than one account he apologized, he backed down, he just retreated with in himself. He couldn't bear seeing Dean like this, it hurt him in ways he didn't know was possible. The next time Sam got up Castiel excused him and Dean outside.
Castiel shut the front door behind him and faced Dean. "Dean what's going on with you?" The bigger man just smiled, putting up a mask. "Nothing baby, I'm having fun." Castiel could see right through it. He leaned into kiss Dean and he looked around before kissing him back. "That's exactly what I mean. You keep checking if he's around before showing any affection towards me." Castiel hugged himself, rubbed his arms for comfort. "You've always been open about us but now it's like you're scared." Castiel could feel his anxiety ebbing back in forth, threatening  to tip him over board. Dean's green eyes just darted around, they didn't land on any particular thing and it hurt that Dean wouldn't look at him. He grabbed Dean and pressed him against the brick wall, kissed his full lips and Dean tensed up under him. "Cassy.." "Please tell me Dean." Dean sighed, he bit his lip and looked the other way. "When my father found out I asked my uncle what being gay means he lost it, okay?" Dean choked up a little, obviously trying not to cry. "I can't talk about this here, later at home alright?"
Dean tried to nudge Castiel off him, he couldn't let Sam see this and Dean didn't know how to explain why to Castiel. "Just not here, okay?" Castiel kissed him again, brushing away a stray tear he didn't know fell. The front door opened, "Guys I made some fo-" Sam looked angry, confused and just went back inside. "Dean, why doesn't he like seeing us close? You do realize that's weird?" Dean walked away from Castiel to the side of the apartment building and Castiel followed him. "I really didn't want to talk about this here." Dean sighed, "Like I said when my father found out, he lost it. He beat me in front of my brother...basically using me as an example of what would happen." Dean choked back tears and rocked slightly on the balls of his feet, he thought he was over this. "Sammy was, or is I don't know anymore, gay when we were teenagers. Our father found out, " he looked up at Castiel he couldn't do this, he couldn't talk about it. He just wished his lover could read his mind so he wouldn't keep drowning in his anxiety. "Dean?" Apparently Dean hadn't said anything for a few minutes, just held himself and rocked. "Sorry." Dean swallowed loudly and looked at his feet. "My father made me beat my brother Cassy, my baby brother. Made me..." Dean couldn't say it, he refused to and would not do it. "Don't say it, Dean." Castiel held him and he did his best to not break down, maybe another day he could talk about it more but not when Sam is just inside. "He forgives you." Dean pulled away from Castiel's arms. "What?" Castiel nodded, "He didn't tell me about what, but he's told me he forgives you."
Dean wiped the drying tears off his face and hugged Castiel. "I love you beautiful." He kissed his pouty lips, letting himself go for just a brief moment in the warmth of his mouth. Castiel slipped a hand under Dean's jacket and pressed it into the small of his back, the heat radiated off the other man's body and Dean moaned into his mouth. He tore himself away from the feverish kiss and sighed. "Let's go back inside. Sam said he made some food " Castiel nodded and adjusted himself, apparently the kiss hadn't only affected Dean.
When they went back inside Sam was sitting on the couch watching TV, drinking a glass of bourbon and looked like he had been crying as well. Either Dean needed to man up and ask his brother if he's okay or they'll do the Winchester thing and pretend nothing is wrong. Dean cleared his throat and Sam startled a little but quickly composed himself. "Hey, sorry I got upset at you guys." Dean wanted to hug his brother, Sam will never be normal or be able to be himself because of him. "Nah, it's okay you have nothing to apologize about." Sam stood up, easily towering over Dean and Castiel and made a gesture toward the kitchen. "Food? It's nothing extravagant but it'll feed you." Dean nodded, in response to the offer and in acknowledgement that for now things will be left unsaid. "Sure man, you know I'm always hungry. This one though," He pointed at Castiel, "eats like a bird." Castiel giggled, compared to Dean he eats like a bird but in reality he eats quite a lot. "Okay, food it is then."
~*~
Castiel followed Dean and Sam into the kitchen, it smelled wonderful whatever his brother made. Although, everything smells wonderful since they mostly ate frozen food and ramen. The kitchen was roomy, tall kitchen table, tall chairs and tall counters. Probably to compensate for Sam's height.
Castiel struggled to get in one of the chairs, his feet dangled a foot from the ground and he saw Dean laughed at him. "You look cute like that." Castiel made a fake mad face. "Be quiet, you're only a few inches taller than me."
Castiel ate his food in silence, watching Dean and Sam giving side glances at each other, the tension palpable. He doesn't know the name of the dish but it was delicious, broccoli, sausage and white rice. Castiel wanted seconds but didn't want to seem rude, so he sat at the table with his hands in his lap. Dean cleared his throat, "This is good Sam. Where did you learn to cook?" Apparently Dean was going to try to break the tension with small talk, which he is awful at. Castiel felt like he should rescue Dean but it was almost amusing, just almost. "Yea, uh thanks. One of my ex's taught me." Sam seemed to pause, like he was struggling to find the right word, "they were Polish." Castiel noticed the second Sam took to not use a pronoun, maybe he still did like men? Castiel sighed, it has to be a genetic thing for them to not acknowledge their emotions. Dean talked with a mouthful of food and Castiel gave him a disapproving look. "Well, I like it. You did a good job." Castiel has never experienced something so awkward, so fake. A part of him wondered if this is just how Sam and Dean are around each other but that couldn't be, brothers don't act like this. Brothers don't repetitively apologize to each other, they don't give side glances that suggest they want to say something but can't. Castiel sighed these two are more like strangers and not because of Sam, because of Dean. He just won't open up, he won't talk to his brother when Sam is more than willing. Sam finished his plate around the same time Dean finished his, they all got up and helped Sam clear off the table. Sam walked them to the front door, it was pretty late already and they should get home. "It was good seeing you, Sam." Castiel gave the giant a hug and Dean tensed, no doubt jealousy probably eating at him. "Look, you guys should stop by more. It wouldn't be so awkward then." Dean nodded and patted his brothers shoulder. "It was...nice seeing you Sammy."
The ride home wasn't any less awkward and Castiel couldn't stand it anymore. He glanced over at Dean, passing headlights flashing across his face occasionally. "Okay, talk to me. I can't handle all this silence." Dean white knuckled the steering wheel, obviously struggling through some type of emotion. "I can't be around him Cassy. It hurts too much." Castiel frowned and leaned over the center console, holding Dean's arm. "Dean, it'll never go away if you don't open up. You know that, right?" Dean sighed, up close Castiel could now see the tears Dean was trying to restrain. "How could he forgive me? After what I did..it just doesn't make sense." Castiel felt like he was suffocating, did Dean really feel like he wasn't worthy of forgiveness? Of love? "Dean, you were a kid. How could you have stopped your father? Stood up to him?" "I could have tried....but I didn't." Castiel could see Dean was close to breaking down and knew he needed to drive instead. "Pull over Dean. I'll drive" Dean nodded and pulled over on the side of the road. He sat there for a minute, breathing slowly. "I should have taken a beating instead of giving one to Sam." Dean looked at Castiel, green eyes full of despair, searching for something similar to forgiveness. "How could I betray him like that?"
Castiel drove the rest of the way home. Dean was too emotional, too tired. He leaned his head against the passenger window, watching the shadows race by them as they rode in the darkness. Castiel said Sam forgave him but he didn't see it, he saw the same broken face on his brothers he saw on his own in the mirror. Dean held himself, letting the anxiety, the depression, the guilt tear through him. This wasn't something he'd ever forgive himself for. How could he? Dean closed his eyes and saw little Sam under him, covering his face with his arms because Dean told him to. Bruises forming on his brothers ribs, those tiny arms. Dean sobbed, clung to the jacket on his arms. He could never tell Castiel how badly he beat Sam, how badly he wanted to stand up to their father but he couldn't. Dean didn't want another beating, he didn't want to go days without eating again. He thought about himself before Sam and he hates himself for it. "Dean?" Dean wiped his face, "Yes?" "When we get home we're going to take a hot shower and cuddle, okay? Just forget about everything." Dean nodded, silently thanked his angel that he wasn't going to pry tonight. "I love you Cassy." Castiel reached over and grabbed Dean's hand, placing a kiss on his knuckles. "I love you, too. It's going to be okay. You're strong." Dean teared up again, he doesn't feel strong. He hasn't felt strong in a long time.