Skin to Skin

Chapter 41

"Don't make me promise that. I can't promise that." Dean looked into those blue eyes, he saw his whole world and the knowledge he hurt him was just too much. "H-how can you say that to me?" Castiel's hand fell and he stepped back from Dean, holding himself. "Are you telling me you'll try again?" Dean climbed out of the tub, albeit was very painful and walked over to Castiel. His hand hovered over the other man's shoulder and instead he rested his head there. "No, that's not what I'm saying." Dean bit his lips and continued, talking against Castiel's neck. "I'm saying I can't live with myself knowing I hurt you." Castiel quickly wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and Dean tried to break free but he couldn't. "Dean I don't care, okay? I don't care if you hurt me, if you yell at me and tell me you hate me." Castiel shook his head and clung to Dean. "You are my everything Dean...I can't lose my everything." Dean sighed and hesitantly wrapped his arms around the other man. Their relationship is far beyond normal. They are so codependent and unstable, it's the definition of an unhealthy relationship. Dean rested his cheek on the other man's head and sighed. What has he done to this beautiful soul? If he never went to the club then Castiel wouldn't be falling apart in his arms, wouldn't be dangerously attached to him. "I love you Castiel.." The smaller man looked up at him with frantic blue eyes and Dean kissed him, he needed to erase that fear, that helplessness. "I'm sorry...I.shouldn't have said the things I did." Castiel kept crying, gradually beginning to hyperventilate. "Breath baby.." "I c-can't live without you Dean. Pl-please don't leave me." Castiel sobbed, his whole body shaking in Dean's arms and Dean held him as tight as he could with his ribs. "I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry."
Dean held the other man till his breathing evened out, until his own heartbeat was at normal pace. He sighed and kissed Castiel's forehead, breathing in the scent that was pure Cassy. "I'm sorry.." Castiel nodded and hiccuped a bit before replying. "I don't like this...I don't like what we've become." It hurt Dean's heart to hear the truth even though he thought it himself moments ago. "Then what do we do?" Castiel kept his face buried in Dean's chest and whispered. "I don't know.." Dean fought back his own tears, his own panic. He's destroyed them, his anger, his panic, his insecurities has destroyed what they were. "Cassy..." He choked out, his voice shaking with unshed tears. "I'm not going anywhere Dean. I promised you that and I mean it." Dean nodded not sure how he hasn't pushed Castiel to his limit, to the point where he's had enough. "I love you Castiel." Dean buried his face in Castiel's neck again and let his own sobs break through. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm broken." Dean felt so unworthy of this devotion, of this loyalty. He felt himself spiralling back into the thought process of just giving up, that everyone would be happier if he wasn't here. "Dean everyone is broken..it's up to you whether it's in control." "How? How do I stop myself when I don't know I'm doing it?" Castiel made Dean give him eye contact with his hands on either side of his face. "I will help you, just let me in."
Those green eyes looked back at him and Castiel could see the exhaustion, the pain and he pecked him on the lips. "Let's just nap, okay? Sleep away these emotions for right now?" Dean nodded and gradually released Castiel from his strong hold. He shed his clothing and Dean looked him over, watching his every move. "Come on, baby." Castiel crawled into the bed in his underwear and held a hand out for Dean. Dean sighed and dropped his many layers of clothing onto the floor before joining him. Castiel immediately felt tension release from his muscles with the warmth of Dean against him. He settled himself in the crook of Dean's arm, head on his firm chest and hand draped across his stomach. Castiel always sought comfort in touch, it always grounded him to reality and with Dean it was like a drug. Dean pulled Castiel closer against him, wrapping one of Castiel's legs around his and holding the hand on his stomach with his free one. "We'll be okay..." Dean said into the stillness and Castiel tried so hard to believe that. He wanted so badly to believe that everything will be fine. "I hope so..." Castiel buried his face and fought back the reoccurring sobs. They just calmed down, Castiel can't bring them back to that point again. "Cassy..." Castiel swallowed loudly, the pain of unshed tears in his throat. "Yes?" Dean sighed and in a rush of words answered him. "I won't go anywhere either, I promise." A few tears squeezed out Castiel's eyes, he couldn't hold them back. "You promise?" He felt Dean nod. "I promise." Castiel traced his finger on Dean's skin, outlining the scars, the freckles. Skin to skin he told himself, skin to skin. It'll be alright as long as he has Dean.