Skin to Skin

Chapter 18

One day, today, is the last time he'll see Dean for half a year. Castiel watched Dean sleeping peacefully, mouth slack, bangs sticking up oddly, one arm above him and the other wrapped around Castiel. His eyes stung as tears worked their way down his face, Castiel repressed the need to sob, to rock himself and retreat into his mind where Dean would never have to leave him. Green eyes blinked open at him, immediately reciprocating the pain he felt. "Come here, Cassy." Dean pulled Castiel ontop of him, he straddled Dean's lap, resting his head on his chest while Dean held him. "I don't want you to go." Castiel said between the sobs that shook his entire body. "I can't be here without you, not now." Dean brought Castiel's lips to his, a hand under his chin. "It's only for a few months. I promise I'll be back." Castiel buried his face in Dean's neck, the anxiety of being alone, the depression of losing Dean after spending so little time with him, it was too much. It hurt too fucking much. "I love you.." Dean whispered against his ear. "Let's not get out of bed. I want to stay here, just hold me all day. I want my clothes, my sheets to smell like you." "Okay, we can do that." ~*~
Dean was having a hard time keeping it together, more than anything he wanted to break down like Castiel. Drown himself in whiskey and numb away all the pain.A part of him loves Castiel so much another part of him hates Fergus. If he hadn't drug Dean to the club he never would have seen Castiel, never would have fallen in love. Yet, even though this feels like his heart is getting ripped out of his chest it's the happiest he's been in years. Dean doesn't know what he'll do once their apart, how badly he'll fall apart, but right now, he has to stay strong. Castiel needs him to stay strong."You wanna watch a movie on my phone?"Castiel nodded, his blonde hair tickling Dean's neck. "Netflix or Hulu?" "Netflix."Castiel muttered. Dean scrolled through the different movie genres nothing really sticking out to him. "Do you like classics?Like black and white?"Castiel shrugged, he was connecting the dots with the freckles on Dean's shoulder. "What about wolf man?"Castiel chuckled weakly. "Seriously?" "What? It's a classic?" Dean tapped his screen and the movie started playing. Castiel settled back down beside him, head on his chest. "Dean, this looks awful." Dean rolled his eyes, laughing a little. "It's not even five minutes in. Just wait it gets good." He felt Castiel giggle, it lightened his mood a bit, but not by much. Dean knows they both have this lead weight in their stomach, this need to cling to each other like the other would disappear if they let go. Dean swallowed, that all too familiar lump forming, that painful ache that persists when you hold back tears. He watched Castiel, hardly paying attention to the movie. He wants to remember this, he needs to remember how close they are, what Castiel feels like. Dean's phone rang, interrupting the movie, it was Fergus. "Sorry, Cassy. Give me a minute." Dean answered the phone. "What's up?" "Mate, you need to come back to the hotel and get your shit together for tomorrow." Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm swinging by tomorrow morning to get my stuff." Fergus scoffed. "I guess you're spending what little precious time left you have with princess Cassy? Fine mate, but tomorrow its going to be like a bandaid. Quick and painful." Fergus hung up and Dean stared at his phone, his friends words ringing in his mind. "What he say Dean?" Dean shook his head and switched the movie back on. "Nothing, he's just being a dick. Let's watch the movie."
When the movie reached the half way point Dean paused it and Castiel sat up, he rubbed his stomach. He was feeling really hungry but he didn't want to go anywhere, he debated ignoring it. "Are you hungry beautiful?" Castiel shook his head, he didn't want Dean to leave, he didn't want to leave. Castiel's goal was to stay as close as possible to Dean all day. "You need to eat Cassy.." Dean's green eyes held so much emotion all at once, it was so hard to keep eye contact with him when he looked at Castiel like that. Like he was his everything because he didn't deserve it. The things he's done, the people he let himself be around, the life he used to live. Dean deserves someone so much better than him. "What's wrong?" Castiel laughed half-heartedly, "That's an awfully long list. You want the director's cut version?" Dean frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. "Castiel.." Castiel immediately felt guilty, he shouldn't have snapped at Dean like that. It isn't his fault he's a piece of shit. "I'm sorry." He kissed the other man's full lips, the warmth and softness of them eased his anxiety some. "I-I just feel like you shouldn't look at me like I'm your everything... I'm not worth it.." Castiel rubbed his arms, looking away from Dean. He heard Dean make a choking noise, he glanced over and he was crying. "Don't you ever say that. I will beat you senseless, do you understand me? You're worth so much more than I am able to give you. You're the most kind and caring person I have ever met Castiel, you are so beautiful." Dean grabbed his hair, making Castiel look at him. "Don't you ever say that to me again."
Castiel gasped at the sudden hair pulling, it hurt, but mostly it was from shock. "I-I'm sorry." Dean let go of his hair and got out of the bed, paced the small dorm room. Castiel watched the stronger man slowly unravel in front of him. Dean never talks about how he feels, what's on his mind, Castiel doesnt know what to do in order to comfort him. "Dean?" Those green eyes flashed at him and they were full of pain, fear. Dean looked like a scared animal trying to run away from a predator. Castiel got up and hug Dean from behind, stopping his rapidly increasing pacing. Dean turned around in his arms and hugged Castiel. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." Castiel kissed his bare chest, "You didn't hurt me...it just scared me a little." Dean nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, tears still flowing. "Dean, you didn't hurt me." Dean chuckled, it was a very self-loathing and depressing laugh. "You need me to be strong. Does this look strong to you!?" Dean threw the phone he didn't realize he was still holding. "Dean, you're scaring me." Dean let go of Castiel and started putting his clothes on, he threw Castiel's clothes at him. "I need some fresh air, come with me." Castiel nodded. This side of Dean was new, unnerving. Castiel didn't know whether or not it was a good thing Dean was finally expressing his emotions, they seemed to be rather destructive.Castiel rubbed his scalp, it was kind of sore but it didn't hurt much, maybe this is why Dean keeps everything inside. Castiel grabbed the key to his dorm and waited by the door for Dean. "Let's go." Dean walked pass him, stopping to give him a kiss first, and opened the door.