Skin to Skin

Chapter 30

The next day when they woke up Dean had the immediate need to cry. He could feel it in his eyes, his throat, his chest. Last night when he fell asleep he was so happy, he felt so at peace and now it's like that picture of being okay is shattered at his feet. Dean sat up on the corner of the bed. He didn't want to wake Castiel up with this. He didn't want his lover to see his attempt to be in vein. Dean picked his jeans up off the floor and dug through the pockets for his medicine. Maybe this will help, he doesn't have to take it all the time, just every now and again. Dean popped open the bottle and poured two or three into his palm, he's not going to take that many, he was just looking at it. Dean sighed, he never wanted to be one of those people who have to rely on medication to be happy, it made him feel weak, but he was so emotionally spent. He didn't want to hurt Castiel in one of his fits of rage. Dean came so close to it yesterday, he wouldn't be able to keep living if he did. "Dean?" He jumped, he hadn't realized Castiel had woken up, he's been doing that often, zoning out of reality. "Are you okay?" "Y-yea I'm fine." He threw his head back and swallowed one of the pills dry. "I'll be fine." Castiel wrapped himself around one of Dean's arms, he looked down and realized Castiel was crying. "Baby what's wrong?" Dean faced Castiel and held him in his arms, letting Castiel cry into his bare chest. "I'm worried about you Dean. You really scared me yesterday...it was like you were a different person." Dean kissed the top of Castiel's head. "It won't happen again, I promise." Castiel shook his head. "Don't make promises like that, you don't know if it'll happen again or not." Dean's throat tightened and he felt like he was drowning in his anxiety. "Are you scared of me..." Castiel held his breath and Dean choked on a few tears that escaped. "Baby, I'll never hurt you." Castiel nodded, he kissed one of the arms wrapped around him."I know you won't hurt me..I'm scared you'll leave.  I'm scared you'll hate yourself so much you'll think I don't want or need you." Dean was having trouble keeping it together so he decided to change subjects. "We should go out today."
"We should do something today." Castiel nodded and fetched his phone to call someone. "Hey! You wanna hang out today?" Dean looked at him in confusion and he giggled. "Yea, he's back. No everything is great. Well it'll take awhile anyway so it'll be way after your class ends." Castiel started getting dressed and faked a serious tone. "I know what you did and thank you " Castiel hung up the phone and smiled at Dean. "We're going to go hang out with Sam today." "You and Sam are friends?" Castiel threw Dean his clothes and kissed him. "Yea, we hung out some when you were gone. He's pretty nice." Dean nodded, he couldn't help the feeling of suspicion that seeped its way under his skin, apparently it was in his eyes because Castiel sighed. "Seriously? It's your brother Dean." Dean shrugged his jacket on and grabbed the rental car keys. "Anxiety doesn't always make sense, ya know." Dean snapped back. He sighed and kissed Castiel. "I'm sorry, I'm trying." Castiel pursed his lips while he combed his hair with his thin fingers. "It's fine, I get it, I was just shocked cause it's your brother." Dean nodded, swallowing away the persistent feeling of jealousy that was eating at him. "Alright, you ready?" Castiel started scrolling through his phone and Dean sighed, exasperated. "Hold on, I have to pull up GPS. You're brother doesn't live in Dallas anymore.He moved to the far side of Alvin." Dean did a double take, Sam left home? He wondered why this time. "When did he move?" "Like two months ago. He wouldn't tell me why but I figured it was because of your father." Dean nodded. That makes sense, his father and Sam always fought like water and oil. "Alright, I'm ready."
The drive took about 40 minutes, much better than the old 4 hours. When they got to Sam's, Dean saw it was a tiny apartment and for a brief moment wondered if his brother could stand up straight when walking in. Dean sighed, his brother and him haven't had much interaction in the past three years. They used to be very close until he left for the Navy but then they just drifted apart. Dean got out of the car, Castiel following behind. The anxiety was back again, gnawing at his chest, his stomach. He wanted to run away, he wanted to escape, but he knows he can't hide from his past forever and Sam is part of that past. Dean knocked on the door, his heart in his throat. Castiel laced his fingers with Dean's, squeezing them reassuringly. "It's okay, Dean." Sam opened the door and Dean's breathing hitched, Sammy was a grown man now. He backed stepped and Castiel put hand at his lower back to stop him. "It's okay." Sam waited patiently, waited for Dean to sort through everything racing in his mind. "Hey, Dean." Dean almost cried, God he feels like shit. How can Sam even look at him like that after he left him with their father? "S-sam." "Come inside, I have beer." ~*~
Castiel watched the hundreds of emotions flying across Dean's face. It was painful but he knew Dean needed to face this. Castiel already talked to Sam, he now knows a part of why Dean hates himself. He feels he threw Sam to the wolves and escaped, scratch free. Sam has forgiven him, in fact he forgave him years ago, but Castiel still doesn't know what their father did. Not even Sam would open up about that.
Castiel tugged at Dean's hand, tried to pull him inside and the man stumbled a little bit. Castiel's eyes tightened, it looks like Dean has disassociated himself and he sighed. "Does this happen alot?" Castiel shook his head, just holding Dean. "No, only since he got back." Sam nodded, he looked like he wanted to say something about it but didn't. "You wanna beer?" "Yes, please." Dean blinked at Castiel. "I'm sorry..." Castiel knew Dean was apologising for multiple things, things he didn't know about, things he might never know about.
Dean was drowning, drowning in all of his emotions, he couldn't seem to break free and felt like he would suffocate. "Dean?" Dean looked at Castiel, then his brother, it was slightly darker outside. What happened? Dean was laying down on the couch, Sam and Castiel were playing poker. "What happened?" He sat up, his back hurt from laying in an odd position. Sam blinked at him, shock, worry, and confusion in those puppy dog eyes. "You don't remember?" Dean shook his head and frowned. The last thing he remembered was Sam opening the door. "No, I don't remember anything." Castiel put his cards down and walked over to him. He crouched down in front of Dean. "Do you feel okay?" Dean nodded, "My heads a bit fuzzy but I'm okay." Dean changed the subject from him, he wasn't going to dwell on this startling new symptom of not remembering things. "Get me a beer and let me join you both." Sam smirked and stood up, heading to the kitchen. "Yea, I can whip your ass now.  Don't try any funny shit." Dean chuckled, he missed that, his brother joking with him. He walked over to the table and sat down. Took the guys cards and dealt new hands. He needs to do something to forget what just happened, to take his mind off the fact he just completely lost contact with reality. Castiel sat in a chair adjacent to him, watching him closely. "I'm fine." Castiel didn't look away, he just kept looking at him and it made him fidget because he was uncomfortable. "Stop looking at me like that." Castiel sighed, leaned over the table and kissed Dean, soft, slowly. Sam cleared his throat as he walked back into the living room. "I really don't want to see that." Dean broke away from the kiss and looked at the cards in hands. "Sorry." Guilt ate at his throat, he shouldn't do that in front of Sam, he knows he shouldn't ~*~
Castiel watched the sudden change in Dean, the sudden submissiveness and it unnerved him. What the hell. Sam didn't look malicious, he didn't use a tone of voice, if anything it sounded like he was joking. Castiel sighed. He guesses he'll never know.