Chloe's World

I realize everything

I sat in the waiting room of the hospital. My nerves were at an all time high. My heart was beating out of my chest.

Josh sat to my right. Sky sat to my left. She had been checked out by the doctors. She was going to be ok. They both held my hand.

It was ridiculous. Why did I need comforting? I wasn't the one who was in surgery. I wasn't the one who was on the verge of death. I was the problem to everything. I was the cause of this all.

Everything had happened so fast. Derrick had been arrested. He was going to jail. Mason was now going to live with his uncle. Apparently, Tyler had told the police that Mason had nothing to do with anything.

And I didn't have the heart to rat on Mason. Even if he had done horrible things, I still loved him.

And Tyler had been stabbed. Now he was in a critical surgery.

I felt terribly guilty. If I hadn't gotten involved with Mason, Tyler would not have gotten stabbed. Tyler was hurt because he had protected me. He had saved my life.

Now all I could do for him was wait.

God, I was so useless.

If Tyler died, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That would be another death on my hands. I wouldn't be able to handle myself. The burden would truly crush me.

When Ned came up to us in his surgery outfit, we all got to our feet. We continued to hold each others hands.

When I saw the smile on Ned's face, I started to cry. I collapsed to my knees and cried. I cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

Tyler was going to be ok.

When I saw Tyler lying in his hospital bed, I had the urge to cry again.

But I kept it together. I couldn't keep being a cry baby. I needed to be brave.

Ned had explained to me that Tyler was going to be asleep for at least a day. I liked that idea. It would give Tyler a day of peace. It would give me one last day with Tyler before he hated me forever.

I was the last one to see him. Tyler's parents saw him. Then Josh. Then Miranda, who had refused to sit with me. Then Sky. Now me.

I get why I was last on the list.

I took a seat next to this bedside. It hurt me to look at him like this. Tubes were up his nose. Needles were pinned to his arm. His eyes were shut. He was so pale.

I sat there for a moment and just stared at him. I thought about every great moment we had shared together.

Then I took his hand. And I started to speak.

"I know you can't hear me," I whispered. My voice was hollow. "But I need to tell you some things."

I paused. Then continued. "I don't know where to start. I've messed up. I guess I can start with that. I suck. You know that. I think everybody knows that."

I paused again. This time to swallow the tears. "I've made so many mistakes. But I think the biggest mistake was letting you go."

I started to cry. But I kept talking. "Tyler, I love you too. I love you so much. I know now that you are the one for me. I know that now. And I wished I had realized that earlier."

I let out a few shaky breaths. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. "Tyler, I love you. You make me a better person. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me want to be good."

I took Tyler's face into my hands. I wished his eyes were open. Blinking away the tears, I said my final words. "Mason might be my moon. But you are my sun. And I can't live without my sun."
And I couldn't say anything else. There was nothing else to say.

So I just held Tyler's hand. I squeezed it hard. And I started to cry some more.

I was so busy crying that I didn't even realize when Robin had walked in. And I didn't even care that she had heard everything that I had just said.