unlovable

part 2

"how are you feeling?" jordan asks, handing me a glass of water.
"i'm fine." i give her a weak smile and take a sip.
the cold water soothes my throat, it seems like talking is pretty much pointless lately.
"i have to go to work, will you be okay alone?" she questions, rubbing my leg.
"yep." i set my glass down.
she nods, "call me if you need anything. love you."
she kisses my head & leaves.
i sink back into my bed & pull out my phone.
"i'm home. thank you for everything."
i click send & close my eyes.
why the fuck is everything such a mess.
i run my fingers through my hair.
my phone vibrates.
"of course, anytime."
i immediately groan and roll over. of course? anytime? what bullshit. that's not what you say to someone when you leave them.
another vibration.
i grab my phone from my vanity.
"how are you?"
well, that's a new question that he never really asks. why? because he doesn't care about me anymore.
i take a deep breathe as my fingers hover over the keyboard.
do it, vanessa.
"um.. can you come over?"
i hit send and lock my phone.
i need him- i need to talk to him.
the vibration rumbles my bed.
"be over in 10."

----

i'm alone & listening to twenty one pilots. it plays softly from my tv. my breathing increases rapidly when i hear my apartment buzzer.
i walk into the hallway, tiptoeing on the carpet.
when i open the door, i don't expect for him to look that good, but he does.
his hair looks so great. the sides are short, the top lays long. he's wearing a navy blue sweatshirt & jeans that fit his form so perfectly. he's wearing white converse. he has his keys in his hand, he twists them around between his fingers. he is taller than me, which is what made us fit so perfectly. his beautiful eyes search mine, as if they're looking for answers within me.
i snap out of my trance.
"come in." i mumble, smiling.
i feel him follow behind me into my apartment.
my cat runs to him quickly. she hasn't seen him in a while & she's excited. she always loved him.
"hi, twilight." he says, bending over and running his hand along her back.
i stare at him in awe.
you can't love him. you can't love him. he doesn't love you. don't even try.
i shake my head & walk to my room.
"so, you okay?" he asks, walking behind me.
i sit down on the edge of my bed.
i see him standing before me & i feel my eyes begin to fill with tears.
"p-please, forget that you hate me. forget that you don't want me.. please, just hold me.." i cry out.
he rushes to me quickly and puts his arms around me.
every sense i have relaxes under his touch.
i feel myself start crying and i don't know how to stop.
"hey, shh.. it's okay. you're gonna be okay." he runs his hands up and down my back like he always used to.
i take deep breathes and feel the tension leave my body.
"i'm sor-"
"don't apologize." he says in my ear.
he lifts me a bit and lays me down with him. he doesn't let go of our hug.
i bury my head in his chest.
he takes the blanket with one of his hands and pulls it over us.
i feel him release our hug and look down to me.
he places his thumbs under my eyes and slowly drags them, clearing the fallen tears.
"you're so beautiful." he whispers, staring into my eyes.
my heart breaks once again in my chest.
don't lie to me.
he places his hands on the sides of my head and pushes my hair back.
next thing i know, he's leaning down and putting his lips against mine.
my body goes into shock, i'm not processing what's happening.
then, i melt into it. i begin to mold my lips with his.
vanessa. he's not yours.
i disconnect our lips. he looks at me in confusion.
"i'm so confused. i thought you didn't want me anymore." i place my head in my hands.
i feel him move, he grabs my hands and pulls them from my face.
he pulls me closer.
"are you sure?" i ask.
he hums in response, placing his left hand along my jaw, and using his thumb to trace my bottom lip.
i get on top of him, straddling his lap.
he grins & connects our lips again.
his hands move down to my waist and his fingers play with the bottom of my shirt.
i continue to kiss him, running my hands through his hair. he slides his hands under my shirt. my breathing hitches.
my body temperature is hot, his hands are cool against my skin.
i disconnect our lips for a moment to pull off my panic! at the disco t-shirt & drop it to the floor.
"holy-" he says, eyes scanning over my body.
i giggle & roll my eyes, reconnecting our lips.
my hands slide to his torso, he already gets the idea.
he disconnects our lips for another moment to take off his sweatshirt, and then his t-shirt. we sit up more.
i smirk and my lips press to the center of his chest, i drag my lips upwards to the base of his neck.
i hear a small moan escape his lips.
i kiss him again. he smiles against my lips.
he then flips me over so he's on top.
he places his fingers in my hair & kisses my cheek, his lips then travel lower to my neck.
he sucks slightly & runs his fingers through my hair, tugging lightly.
i feel everything in my body tremble, a whispery moan emits from my mouth.
he's so good to me.
his lips travel down lower. his fingers leave my hair and trace my upper chest. the pads of his fingers slowly trace the top of my lace bra. more goosebumps.
"oh my gosh, babe." i whisper.
he places his hands around my neck and reconnects our lips. this time, it's more slow.
his lips taste like sugar, his kiss is like silk.
we disconnect & catch our breathe.
"what is this?" i ask, quietly.
"i don't know." he says, looking into my eyes.
my eyes shut in disappointment.
i sigh & bend over, picking up my shirt from the floor.
i pull it over my head and adjust it along my waist.
i walk to my closet & take off my sweatpants.
"oh-" i hear him.
i ignore him.
i grab a pair of shorts from the upper shelf. i know he can see my body, i don't care.
why not show him what he's missing?
i slide the shorts up my legs, and to my waist.
his eyes are locked on me.
i adjust the left side my long brunette hair.
"hey, listen.. thank you.. but if you don't want me then why did that happen?" i ask.
he lays on his side in silence, shirtless.
i bite my lip at the sight, old me would pounce on top of him right now.
he lays his head back on my pillow.
"what did i do?" i whine in frustration.
silence.
"why don't you want me?"
silence.
"why can't you be with me? i love you.." i plead, running my hands along his arms.
he stares out my window.
it's silent for a moment but then he sighs, "i'll call you later, okay?"
i feel my jaw drop a bit. are you serious?
"caleb..." i beg.
he puts his shirt back on, and grabs his sweatshirt.
he starts to walk out of the room, but then stops.
he looks as though as he's thinking, then he turns around and walks towards me.
he leans over and kisses my forehead, and then leaves my room. then the room returns to what it was.

me, alone with twenty one pilots playing softly.