unlovable

part 8

[vanessa's pov]
it's amazing what a week will do for you.
someone who used to supposedly love you can turn sour in .2 seconds. how is that a thing?
it hurts like a bitch don't get me wrong, but you find things to numb the pain.
you don't forget anything, it's more of just accepting it. i will always love caleb, i still do.
that doesn't change a single thing, though.
however, it's not the end of the world, my life is not over.. maturity is something that's dear to me. i could be level 100 petty & say shit that will make me feel good in the moment, but what good does that do?
i know that i did everything i could, i know where i stand. it isn't my fault. i still am hurt on the inside, i think a part of me will always miss him.. what we had.. because out of the many relationships i've had, this was a rare find.
lately, we haven't talked at all-- except for the times he messages me one or two word responses.
if he wants to treat me like that, fine, but you can't expect me to want to talk to you if it's a conversation you could have with your mom.
i fix my hair & open snapchat. i hold my thumb down on my face and watch as the grid pops up. i slide to my favorite filter and turn the front flash on.
i purse my lips a bit & lip-sync to "sorry" by beyoncé that plays through my speaker.
as soon as i finish recording the video, i post it to my story.
i lock my phone & get out of bed, i've been journaling most of the day. i don't have a lot of school work to do (being home-schooled isn't too bad). i walk to my computer which is plugged into my tv and open youtube.

starboy - the weeknd (official music video)

i click on the thumbnail and turn my tv's volume up. my computer is connected to my tv, allowing my music to be much louder.
i spin around my room to the beat, it's so fantastic.
i love what the video stands for.. the new him kills his old self in the beginning. he reveals that he has gotten a haircut & changed his style a bit. he then begins to smash/destroy all of the awards he has received with a neon pink cross. he dances around on the broken glass. he's symbolizing so many things in this video, it has such a deep meaning.
he's re-creating himself, becoming a better him, someone he wants to be.
he even goes through his old clothes/outfits and then throws a lit lighter into the closet, burning all of the old clothing.
he then walks past the luxurious cars with a black cat by his side.
as he drives, the cat turns into a black panther and remains in the passenger seat.
you see the cross laying on top of the shattered glass & broken furniture.
he then drives away.
he left the old pieces of him behind, he said goodbye to the old him.
the video ends with him turning around a corner and disappearing, symbolizing him moving forward.
i think it's such a clever idea, besides the video looking amazing.. the song is catchy as hell.
i have it on repeat all the time & never get sick of it.
all of a sudden, the buzzer to my apartment goes off. i turn down my music & open my apartment door, and then tiptoe into the hallway. i look through the small glass window to see who buzzed, and it's cody.
i fix my hair and then open the door for him.
"hi!" i laugh.
"hey, did i catch you at a bad time?" he asks, worry on his face.
i grin, "no, not at all! come in."
he follows behind me inside.
my cat immediately jumps off the couch and runs to him. cody smiles and bends down to pet her.
he looks up at me, "what's her name?"
"twilight." i answer, watching the way she purrs and leans into him.
he smiles again, "she's so cute."
i nod & walk near the kitchen.
"do you want anything to drink?" i call out.
"nah, i'm good. thank you." his voice is suddenly close. i can feel him breathing, the warmth gives me goosebumps.
"y-yeah no problem." i stutter, walking to my room. he follows behind me to my room.
i realize the weeknd is still playing, except now it has changed to "losers".
he sits on my bed with me & looks around.
"wow, that's a lot of pictures." he laughs.
my eyes scan over the wall, "yeah.. i put a picture up for everything that means something to me. whether it's someone who has helped me, a colour that makes me feel good, a song lyric that made me feel better..."
i feel his eyes on me so i get out of bed and walk to my shelf, grabbing my polaroid camera.
i join him again on the bed and hold up the camera.
he adjusts his body to fit behind me & wraps his arms around my shoulders.
we both become still, so i click the photo button.
the camera flashes & i remove the printed photo.
he keeps his arms around me, "i think i blinked. can we take one more?"
"yeah, of course."
i position myself again and place my finger on the shutter button.
i feel his hands leave the end of my shoulder and move to my face. he moves his hands to my face and i look at him.
he checks my eyes for any sign of rejection, and then he slowly presses his lips against mine.
i lean into the kiss and press the button. the flash lights up my closed eyelids.
i drop my camera onto the bed as he pulls me on top of him. he holds my waist tightly, keeping a grip on me. i love it.
his lips are so soft.
he tastes like cherries, and it's so damn good.
i run my fingers through his long hair.
my tongue runs across his lip ring. i feel him smile.
it's definitely new for me since everything was different from caleb, but he doesn't want me anymore so why should i feel bad about forgetting that i want him?
we slow down the kiss & he slides his hands up and down my back slowly.
after we pull apart, we catch our breathe.
i rest my hands on his jaw, which is sharp as hell.
he's so beautiful. i see the passion behind those crystal blue eyes. the way he looks at me makes my heart flutter. i feel good.

caleb wants to "move on" and downgrade?

okay, sweetie. have fun with that.

i'm going to have some fun too... maybe this isn't so bad after all.